Not Going Anywhere
by mikiiip
Summary: The prom night from hell happened. Ashley went to Europe and never called. It is December of the following school year, and Spencer has moved on...or has she?
1. Ashley, Ashley, Ashley Avery?

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

This is my first SON/TV series Fanfic, so please comment with anything! Thoughts, criticisms, advice, whatever. Thanks!

Chapter 1- Ashley, Ashley, Ashley…Avery?

The sun dances across her bronze face, illuminating the reddish highlights in that curly mess of brown hair that hangs perfectly around her flawlessly sculpted cheekbones. Her thin lips are pressed into a line, but not out of stress, I don't think. It almost looks as if she's stifling a smile. Of course, it would be inappropriate to smile now, in this intense moment of defining oneself. At least that's what my mind tells me, as it, too, fights to suppress a smile. Why do I want to smile? I just told my best friend that I like girls. We're walking along the beach in a deafening silence. This is huge. No laughing matter. Before I can stop it escaping my lips, one of my biggest questions pierces the quiet,

"How do you know if you're gay?" Silence. It threatens to shatter my eardrums.

"How do you know if you're straight?" She finally replies, momentarily unleashing that quivering hint of a smile. She quickly subdues it once more, but my eyes aren't on her perfect face for once; they are on her hand. I want so badly to hold it – to just touch it. Should I? What will she do? Shakily, I reach for it.

We touch. There is a jolt of something. The world around us has changed. Now we are in her bedroom. Her hand is in mine, gently pulling me towards the bed. She wants me like I want her. The suspense is rising. My stomach is soaring. Our faces draw nearer, and her lips graze mine so softly. She smiles freely now. I feel myself smiling too. Without much thought, I close the distance between our faces once more, and this time when our lips meet, there is movement, intensity. I take her lower lip in mine and I savor it for a moment. I'm hers. She's mine.

There's another jolt, and we're not in her bedroom anymore. We're at prom. An ominous and nauseated sensation replaces the flitting butterflies that were in my stomach just moments ago. I know what's going to happen. Why can't I stop it?

"Just decide!" I hear myself scream, but I do not feel connected to my mouth. My mind is elsewhere, and my vision blackens around the edges. Betrayal. Fear. Foreboding. Tragedy. Why are these words running through my head?

A shot sounds, overwhelming my senses. First a pop, then silence. The jolt happens again, but I barely feel it this time. Now I'm in my room. I'm alone. I want to look around – has anything changed? A searing pain tears through my chest and mind. Loss. What's going on? I try to avert my gaze, but I cannot. My eyes are locked on my phone. _Ring_ I mentally command. _Please, ring._ Where is she? Why won't she call? There is still no sound.

A final jolt- but this one is less… jolty. It was smoother, softer: like the gentle pull of a hand versus the jerk of an arm. I feel a breath cross my face. She's back. She wants me back. My eyes are closed and I can envision her face. The familiar visage that became the center of my world, forever.

"Ash…" I exhaled.

"What?" Laughed a voice: a nice voice, but a different one. It wasn't laced with velvet. My eyes shot open, and at first were shocked at the sight of auburn all around me. Seeing my expression, she took her hand and swept her long hair back over her shoulder. Avery. Oh god, had I just said 'Ash'? Oh god, she was going to kill me.

My eyes met hers, and I knew I was wrong. "What did you say?" She laughed again, seeing the shocked look on my face.

"I said Gosh. As in, gosh, what time is it?" I lied. I had to. If she knew I was still dreaming about Ashley it would kill her. I stared up into her innocent doe eyes, feeling quite like a deer in the headlights myself.

"Almost 11 am", she smiled sweetly. She then quickly closed her eyes and scrunched up her nose in that endearing way and pecked my unsuspecting mouth quickly before removing herself from her position of straddling me. I watched her as she turned from me and stood, shaking her scarlet head of hair as she raised herself. I admired the curve of her body – her tiny waist, descending so gracefully into beautiful hips. Seconds later, she slipped her robe over that eerily attractive pale skin. She turned one of her big brown eyes to me and caught my lust filled gaze. "Well, its cold! Unless I crawl back in bed and you want to be my space heater then --"

"I can't" I interrupted. Her sprightly face sank a little, "but don't tempt me! I really need to get my day started. I have to work in 25 minutes!" I said, eyeing the clock which read 11:05. She was 5 minutes off.

I stood up and began wrestling wrinkled jeans onto my legs. Today's outfit consisted of my floor's contents, I decided, because I knew that going into my closet would start an entirely new problem. I was extremely indecisive about outfit choice ever since Ashley came into my life – crap. I was thinking about Ashley again. I racked my brain for other thoughts or images. Something. Anything. Cabbage. Ballerinas. The Titanic.

Avery's fingers began to trace my shoulders and the back of my neck, sending euphoric chills up my spine. Avery. She was great. She really was. She was so into me, and was so good to me. So why was the only face on my mind not hers?


	2. Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

This is my first SON/TV series Fanfic, so please comment with anything! Thoughts, criticisms, advice, whatever. Thanks!

Chapter 2 – Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

"I'd like a small choka mocha…. decaffeinated, and no whipped cream", screeched another of the customer voices that scratched at the walls of my brain like a cheese grater. _Hold it together, Spence_, I told myself. _Just another hour_.

"I'm sorry, we don't carry any 'choka mocha'. Our drink options are on the menu that you can find right behind me" I gestured lazily towards the wall behind me, on which an enormous menu was written in gigantic letters that a blind person couldn't miss. Okay, maybe a blind person could miss it. "And also, for future reference, the drink size you are referring to is tall. They come in tall, grande, and venti." I said in a voice as sweet as I could muster.

"Well, my friend told me you have choka mochas. But since you refuse to comply, I suppose I'll make do with a Java Chip Frappuccino. Tall." The woman said indignantly.

"Tall Java Chip Frap!" I called over my shoulder to the employee making the drinks. "That'll be $3.25" She pulled a fifty out of her wallet and slid it across the table top. I looked at her for a moment before acting. I had to give her change for a fifty? Seriously?

I ran my fingers through the money in my hand one more time, checking that I was returning the correct amount.

"Here's your change, have a nice day" I said half-heartedly. I was hit with a tiny pang of remorse that I was acting out on my bad mood, but today just couldn't seem any longer.

I was clearing the register when the next customer came up. "What can I get for you, today?" I asked in my routine way, without looking up.

"Hmmm… well I think I'll take a Spencer" chimed a familiar voice. Its funny how quickly one's spirits can fly. My eyes shot up and beheld her shining face, that contagious smile sparkling in its perfect way.

"Well that will cost you one hour", I laughed. "My shift doesn't end until 5:30"

"Nonsense", She replied quickly. "Sydney!" She called confidently. Sydney was Avery's older sister. She also happened to be the manager of this Starbucks. How she lasted long enough to climb that Starbucks employment ladder, I'll never know. I'd only been working here for about 6 months and I wasn't too keen on my future here. Sydney, though, seemed to live for this place. It was her pride and joy- and she made that clear on those frequent nights when she would stay after hours to make each table sparkle.

"Baby Avery, what a pleasant surprise" Sydney mumbled sarcastically. "I suppose you've come to steal my best employee?" Avery was now making a pouting face. Her lower lip jutted out subtly, ever so slightly quivering. Her eyes grew wide, and I swear she conjured up a thin sheet of tears. How anyone could resist those big begging brown eyes, I'd never figure out. "Fine" Sydney sighed. "See ya, Spence"

I smiled, and within 10 seconds I was peeled from my apron and yanked out the door by a dancing pixie. A gust of fresh air filled my lungs, and simultaneously elated my mood.

"Where are we go – " before I could finish, there was a push, and my head met concrete. My back against the wall, I exclaimed, "Hey! What was that about – " but once again, I was cut off. This time though, it was her lips that interrupted me, moving with mine softly. I quickly forgot the increasingly dull pain in the back of my head. One of my hands tangled itself in her fiery hair, each lock becoming tightly coiled around my dancing fingers. I loved kisses that caught me off guard. I could feel my body gaining strength, warming up. With each passing moment the little ember that glowed inside of me burned brighter. My other arm made its way around her back, inviting her closer – she didn't object. Our torsos met: not a gap of air existed, but it was still not close enough. I needed her closer to me.

Passion burned inside of me. We moved in a rolling motion along the wall, taking turns with our backs against it, until we were behind the coffee shop, and beyond and reach of public eyes. My stomach was twisted into a series of tight knots that only tightened with each catch of my breath. Why did she not feel close enough? It was like a crazy thirst ripping at my lungs. A small voice in the back of my mind questioned my intensity, but the thirst drowned it out. Our lips broke apart. I guided her cheek next to mine and held her there for a moment, feeling her unrelenting breath cascade down my shoulder. I loved the sound of her breathing. I could hear her voice in it. I kissed her ear, her cheekbone, gradually moving down until my tongue played along her collarbone. Her quickening breath was all the ammo I needed. The hand on her back slid down over her ass onto her thigh. My fingertips teased her, just barely skimming the surface of her skin. She was trembling, her breathing caught and stopped.

"Spencer", she exhaled breathlessly. "We've gotta go." My body was still pressed against hers, my eyes still on her neck. I sighed, turning and pressing my cheek to her chest and resting there a moment. The thirst still existed, but it was quieter now; quieted to a growl from a roar. The rational part of my mind began to seep back in through the cracks. Why was I so intense? Not that Avery wasn't hot, she was. But usually I was the gentle one. "Not that this isn't great… it is" She laughed, probably as surprised as I was at my passion. "And I want to pick up where we left off, but I told your mom that we'd meet her and your dad for dinner tonight"

All thought and feeling was arrested momentarily.

"What?" I replied incredulously, still trying to catch my breath. My mind slowly processed this. My parents. Paula and Arthur Carlin. Dinner. My _Girlfriend. _"I thought we talked about this. The less they know –" She interrupted me.

"The happier they are. I know, Spence. But we've been dating for almost 6 months, and I'd really like for them to know me better. I know they like me Spencer." She pleaded.

"Yes, and I'd like to keep it that way!" I replied. So far Paula and Arthur had taken a liking to Avery. Arthur came as no surprise, but Paula was still acclimating herself to the idea that her daughter was gay; in her defense, she was trying very hard. I knew that the best way to keep her happy was to keep my relationships out of her face. In addition to this rational thought process, a sharp memory poked violently in the back of my mind: a certain brunette being ripped from my arms by her hair then shoved out the door. The hateful leer that shot from my mom's tear filled eyes. The dysfunctional relationship that had existed between her and Ashley ever since.

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to banish the thoughts from my mind. Back to the present, I thought. I opened my eyes and took in the girl standing before me. Her face was nearly blank except for the eyes. They were waiting. They even looked… the littlest bit hurt. "I'm sorry, Avery." I said quietly. "I'm just so used to having to hide everything. The thought of sitting there with them at dinner caught me a little off guard. How did you go about planning this?" Her eyes lit up again, to my relief.

"Well I've been thinking about it for a while, but only decided to act on it last night. When we were getting ready to go out last night I decided to go downstairs and ask. I told you I was getting a drink because I knew if I asked you about it you would say no." She said, searching my face for a response.

"You know me too well" I smiled, looking down at my feet.

"Well, they said they'd be happy to have dinner with us. Your mom even seemed happy that I asked, she's been wanting to go try that new restaurant on Melrose – The Bonefish House, I think its called?" My mind registered the place. Fancy. "Anyway, I said we'd meet them there at quarter of 6, they wanted to do an early dinner" She finished. My eyes were still locked on my feet. Silence fell between us. Awaiting an answer, she took her index finger and gingerly lifted my chin. My eyes met hers.

"Well, I guess we had better get going, then" I offered a weak smile, still unsure of this plan. She took it as a bright green light.

"Thank you thank you thank you for being okay with this, Spence, I'll make it worth your while" She sang excitedly, taking me into a tight hug. The thirst burned again for a moment, but the dampening situation kept it quiet. She pulled away, smiling, and laced her fingers into mine, pulling me gently away from the building.

We arrived home a few minutes later, few words having transpired between us on the walk home. The silence didn't seem to bother either of us, she was smiling and humming contentedly, and my mind was buzzing with thought. The thought of tonight unnerved me, but I knew how much it meant to her. She was a very "official" type of girl. Everything had to be out in the open, which, after Ashley I didn't mind so much. Half of the time with Ashley, I had no idea where we stood. With Avery, I knew how she felt about me.

I prayed my mother would be kind. I envisioned the worst: her posing questions to put Avery on the spot, looking at me with scrutinizing eyes as if asking why I even bother. Well, I didn't bother. Not after everything with Ashley crashed and burned. If nothing else, Ashley taught me that love is fleeting. I shouldn't have wasted my energy over making my parents like her. It wasn't as if we were going to last. I guess you can say, that when Ashley left, so did my faith in love. I was terrified for the day when Avery would bring out that 4-letter word. The word that I wouldn't be able to return.

These thoughts bounced around in my mind as I prepared myself for dinner. We didn't have much time, so I decided to just let Avery have the shower; my hair wasn't all that dirty. Besides, I probably needed all the time I could get to choose my outfit.

Time flew by, and before I knew it we were heading out the door. Given that it was such a nice place, I dressed myself in a form fitting open shouldered black dress, with open toe heels. I curled my hair with the flat iron, a procedure I had mastered after watching it many times on youtube, so it hung in loose blonde curls. Avery wore an empire waisted brown and off-white patterned dress, clinging snugly to her breasts and then falling loosely over her torso. I wasn't going to lie, it made her breasts look really good. On her feet were a pair of brown flat boots that cut off mid-calf. If I do say so, we looked pretty hot. Whether this would help our case with the parents, only time would tell.

We arrived just after they had, and we were seated within moments, thanks to Avery's reservation. My father looked sincerely pleased to see both of us, hugging both Avery and myself, planting kisses atop both of our heads. My mother took me into a hug, and then did the same with Avery, perhaps exaggerating it a tad by embracing her for too long. I knew my mom was trying. She caught me looking at her and smiled sweetly, her blue eyes revealing her ever so slight discomfort, but also sincerity simultaneously.

Once we had placed an order for drinks the questions began, but they were not as accusatory or jaded as I had preconceived. They first asked us about school, which lead to conversation about basketball and the cheerleading team (which Avery was on).

"…And I was prepared to catch her, but she wasn't spinning correctly. If I had kept my arms out, I would have had a foot to my arm. She insists I let her fall on purpose" Avery laughed about fellow cheerleader and King High Bitch, Madison. "Though I think her grudge is becoming a little over the top – it wasn't even a rally. It was a practice. Nobody even saw it happen" Avery finished, smiling sweetly.

"That Madison always was a drama queen, remember when Glen dated her?" My dad asked, looking between my mom and me.

"Oh god, don't remind me" I whined, rolling my eyes sarcastically. I meant it though – those times were an emotional rollercoaster for me that I wasn't sure I wanted to relive. I associated that time period with finding my first love, coming out to my parents, and being at war with my mom.

"Clay always saw through her though, and always lit into him for having such a nasty girlfriend" My mom laughed. I felt a little sting inside my chest. She was smiling, but saw a flicker of the somber mom underneath. We all sat there in silence for a moment, in I guess what was out of respect for Clay. It had been 7 months, but we tried to talk about him as casually as possible, even though we all knew that it secretly burned us inside.

"Didn't you two meet at his wake?" my mom mused, halfway changing the subject. I looked from her to Avery, who glanced at me quickly with her mouth half open, ready to speak.

"Yeah, we did" She gently slid her fingers into mine and squeezed my hand under the table. "I knew I had to introduce myself, I mean Clay was so inspiring to be around, I just had to know his family" Avery had been in nearly all of Clay's classes, so she had gotten to know him quite well prior to ever meeting my family. I had heard about her in passing, but I never thought she'd be part of my life, much less my girlfriend.

When I met Avery she had just put a white rose onto Clay's casket. Her bright auburn hair is what caught my eye. She then came to stand beside me, and after wiping her tears, introduced herself. Only part of my mind stored away that encounter's memory, because the other part was paralyzed with hurt that my current girlfriend wasn't there with me. Avery and I got to talking at the party afterward, though, and we hit it off from there. I honestly believe that we became close so quickly because in the month that passed, I was so desperate for a shoulder to cry on. The shoulder I had always thought I could cry on wasn't even on this continent, let alone available for my tears.

When Ashley returned I was so blinded by my anger, by my hurt that she wasn't there for me, I sent her away. To him, I guess. In what seemed like moments, she had glommed onto Aiden, confirming the suspicions I had during our relationship. She'd been with him ever since, as far as I knew. I tried to block her from my mind.

I clung even tighter to Avery, even more in need of someone to keep me busy, to hold onto.

This brought my mind back to the hand that was currently in mine.

"…and Sydney desperately needed an employee, and I thought, who better for the job?" Avery said, clearly having advanced the conversation while I took a stroll down memory lane. I caught my father looking at me out of the corner of my eye. His concerned eyes searched my face. "You okay?" He mouthed subtly. He could always tell when something was wrong. I nodded my head once, lying to quell his concern. I don't think he bought it, but he looked back to Avery, I guess tuning back into her story.

"And thank god for you" my mom chimed quickly. Wow, I was impressed. My mom was doing very well. "Spence really needed a job" she paused, "and a friend" Thanks, mom. Why don't we just throw more salt in the wound?

Avery squeezed my hand again.

The rest of the conversations followed very smoothly, and the food was delicious. I made a mental note to come back here sometime without my parents. As we left, my dad and mom hugged both Avery and I, and my mom squeezed my shoulder, throwing me a smile before she left. Was that… approval?

Once they were gone and Avery and I were in the car, a squeal of delight nearly shattered my eardrums.

"That went so well!" Avery cried, barely able to contain herself. "I think they really like me! Do you think so?"

"Yeah!" I said with forced enthusiasm. She could hear it.

"Is something wrong?" She asked, her ecstatic face falling a little.

"No, no nothing. I'm just tired – I stressed so much about that dinner" I smiled at her. She flashed a huge one right back.

"Secretly, me too" She said quietly. "But I knew that if you knew, then we definitely wouldn't go through with it", I smiled.

"Once again, you know me too well" I looked into her dancing brown eyes, which now swam in the glint of moonlight. She drew in close and gently kissed me before settling herself back in her seat and turning on the car. On the ride home I caught her breaking a smile as she hummed, and I comforted myself with the fact that she was happy.

Everything had gone better than I could have imagined. My parents practically loved her. _Paula_ liked her. The fears I had earlier today were washed away. Why, though, wasn't I feeling ecstatic? Why wasn't I internally leaping? Why was I fighting tears, while my girlfriend was fighting a smile?


	3. Well, There She Is

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Hey everyone, so this is the third chapter, and probably my least favorite so far. Some parts of it are so shallow in writing… maybe I'm just being to harsh on myself. Let me know what you think! And thanks for the comments thus far!

Chapter 3 – There She Is

If I told you that she wasn't in my dreams again that night, I'd be lying. Her perfect glowing face haunted me each time I closed my eyes. I tried to replace her face with the image of Avery, but it just wouldn't stick. It would always just go back to Ashley.

I turned over to face my nightstand from on top of which bright red numbers told me that it was 3:35 AM. I internally groaned. I swear to God, that clock read 3: 32 twenty minutes ago. Each part of my body tingled, afraid to sleep because I would inevitably dream of her, and further open the wound that gaped internally. I could vaguely feel Avery's warm breath on my back, rhythmically brushing me with warm air. I envied the apparent soundness of her sleep. The sureness that she felt in herself. The contentment and confidence she had in me.

Morning came way too soon. I normally appreciated the melodic chirps of the early birds, but today I wished that I were armed with a bb gun. The rays of sun that peeked through the trees and filtered in through my windows appeared in splotches of light along the floor. They were unwelcome in this comfortable and uniform darkness. Soon though, the light seemed to overtake the dark, and I had no choice but to accept the new day, regardless of how unprepared I was to face it.

I tried to rise from the bed without waking Avery. For some reason the thought of saying good morning to her as if nothing was wrong made my stomach roll with nausea. It was inevitable though, wasn't it? I mean, unless I knew exactly what was wrong everything WAS normal…right?

Unfortunately I didn't have much time to think it over. My sneaky plan failed, and I felt a soft hand gently grab my wrist as I pushed myself up, beckoning a hymn from the mattress springs. Damn old bed.

"Morning, Spence" She said mid yawn, eyes still closed, stretching each of her limbs except her hand, which was still clasped around my wrist.

"Morning" I uttered quickly and quietly, as I slipped my arm away from her and got up. I didn't look at her as I made my way across the room toward my closet. I flipped idly through my clothes on their hangers, my mind not really on the task of selecting Monday's outfit, but I had to look occupied.

A pair of arms wrapped themselves lovingly around my waist, and I felt a chin rest on my shoulder. I closed my eyes, lost in my own whirlpool of unfathomable emotion.

"So we never did get to finish what we started outside of the Starbucks yesterday," I could feel her words rather than hear them. She spoke so softly that more audible than her words was the tickle of her breath warming my ear. "Can I expect to witness part 2 anytime soon?" I laughed uncomfortably, moving out of her caress to the other side of my closet where I pretended to be preoccupied with clothes. I hoped that she didn't catch my lack of answer. "Something wrong, Spence?" She asked sweetly, and for the first time since getting up I looked at her. It was as if her caring doe eyes could extend a hand that forced its way down my throat, located my heart, and squeezed it until it bled. My somewhat baseless guilt intensified hugely, and I could feel my cheeks getting red. I shook my head dismissively and turned away so that she couldn't see my face,

"Yeah, fine." I uttered unconvincingly. "I, uh, forgot to do the physics homework so I wanted to get to school early so that I could finish it" I lied. Why did I just lie like that?

"Okay" she mumbled, clearly not buying it, but pressing no further. She knew I was bothered, and was giving me my space. I couldn't understand why these small little qualities couldn't make me love her. Everything in my mind told me that I should cling to this girl with every muscle in my body. She was amazing. My gut wasn't quite as sure.

We continued to get dressed and ready in silence. It took me about a half hour to even select an outfit, but I finally settled on a long and baggy white shirt, a black belt around my waist, black leggings, and black wedges. My mom attempted to shove food in our mouths as we headed out the door, but I resisted, wanting as little opportunity as possible for conversation. All I wanted right now was to be alone with my thoughts, and as much as Avery tried to back off when I was upset, just her presence there aggravated me. Wondering why it aggravated me aggravated me further.

There was little conversation on the drive over besides discussing some plans for after school.

"So I should probably head home after school for a bit to let my family know that I'm still alive and haven't grown any extra limbs in the hundred years its been since they've seen me" Avery smiled. I could feel her probing eyes on me, burning a hole in the side of my face. I smiled half-heartedly, hoping that she'd just take that and be happy with it. My peripheral vision caught her smile flickering, just for a moment. She knew something was up. "So maybe we can just confirm later plans via text message?"

"Sounds good." I said lamely. Why did I need to be so difficult right now? "Want me to drop you off at the bio-lab? I know you've got that first" I said, trying to redeem myself a little. Her smile was back, probably touched at the fact that I knew her schedule by heart.

"Yeah sure, thank you. The walk across campus can be so irritating during first period with all of the human traffic." She laughed lightly, and I tried to as well.

We finally pulled up in front of the bio-lab and she clicked her seatbelt off. For a moment she just sat there, her mouth hanging partially open as if she were about to say something. I turned my head and looked at her expectantly. Her eyes lingered on mine for a moment, and then she blinked and she closed her mouth. "Thanks, Spence. I'll see you at lunch" She said finally. She gave me a quick kiss, then got out of the car with her ten-ton backpack, and strode through the big glass doors.

I had until lunch to be alone. Avery and I shared very few classes – she had been in the gifted programs since she could practically walk, so she was a year ahead of me in nearly every subject, though she was my age. For once, I thanked God for that. I needed time to set my thoughts in order.

Once I had parked, I grabbed my backpack and swung it over my shoulder, taking a deep breath. _Relax_, I commanded myself. I strode towards the big brick building with little confidence in my step. I lazily greeted the passing familiar faces with weak smiles, my mind too distant to even formulate a hello, or to wave.

My first few classes passed in a similar idleness, my mind miles away from where it should be. The weird part was, Avery wasn't consuming my thoughts. It was as if a blankness had taken over me; a complete inability to think about _anything._ I may as well have been in a deep sleep.

Only one class was left until lunch, and I began to grow panicked that I hadn't come to any kind of conclusion about my guilty feelings. I was going to see Avery in 45 minutes, and I was going to be the same distant girl that I was this morning. I was stung with guilt – she didn't deserve that at all. To make matters worse, this last class before lunch was Calculus, my least favorite. Math had never been my forte, and seemed even less interesting when taught by Mr. Smeath, the most dislikable man on the school's faculty.

The lesson droned on, and I paid less attention than I normally did. The numbers and symbols on the board were about as familiar to me as hieroglyphics, and Mr. Smeath's voice was just an unpleasant drone acting as the soundtrack to my still jumbled thoughts.

Why couldn't I feel confident that Avery was good for me? Everyone else seemed to think she was perfect: My mom, my dad, her parents, her sister, my brother…. Everyone that mattered. Could they see something I couldn't? Could I see something _they_ couldn't? Why did I feel guilty when she looked at me? Why did I feel as if I wasn't good enough for her? It was like I didn't have enough to offer her. But what was it that she wanted? What wasn't she getting from me? All she wanted was my heart, right? And I gave her that… right?

And suddenly it hit me. I didn't have a whole heart to give. It was smashed into pieces a while ago, and I hadn't found them all yet.

I think my subconscious already knew that I was trying to love with an already broken heart, so in the end it wasn't a huge surprise, but where did I go from here? What should I do? Should I tell her?

"Miss Carlin" sneered an unpleasant voice. "As much as I enjoy you sitting there like a gaping idiot, I nominate you to do the next problem." A maniacal smile twisted his ugly balding features, his lips curling back into a snarl. Seeing the look of confusion on my face, he was pleased.

"Mr. Smeath, I'm really sorry but I'm not sure I'm following today. Maybe someone else can do the problem?" I asked as sweetly as possible. My blood was beginning to boil, though, at the fact that he was trying to make me look stupid. I hated looking stupid.

"No, I think you should do it" was all he replied. The ugly smile still plagued his face, and now he stepped back, gesturing towards the board.

"I really think someone else should do it, with all due respect, Sir" I spat, sarcasm dripping over the last words. This was not what I needed right now. I was stressed enough, I was not in the mood to go and display to the class how much I cared about calculus.

"Mr. Smeath, I can – " Began a guy who sat a few seats over from me, but he was interrupted.

"No, Brendan. Spencer will do this one" I couldn't understand the joy that Mr. Smeath took in seeing people uncomfortable.

"No she won't" I muttered under my breath. Not quietly enough.

"Oh, she won't? Well tell her that she can do it or spend the afternoon in detention." The snarl widened. I didn't know it was possible. I could see each of his yellowing teeth in that toothy grin, and I wanted nothing more than just to kick them all in.

"She said she'll take the latter" I replied quickly, hot with fury. The back of my mind squealed, but I was too mad to listen to it.

"So be it. Detention for Miss Spencer Carlin"

Those were words that I never thought I'd hear. It hadn't quite registered yet, but by the time the bell rang at the end of class, reality had begun to seep into my quickly cooling brain. I was going to detention. Spencer, the honor roll, straight A, never had a detention in her life student, had detention.

I moved idly through the halls and made my way to the cafeteria, a mixture of shock and anger twisting my mind. How could he do this? I just didn't want to put a problem on the board! Was that such a big deal?

My mind was quieted for a moment when I saw Avery waving me over to one of the tables, two trays of food already before her. I hadn't thought about her in at least 15 minutes, and for a moment I found the silver lining of my situation. I had something to talk about to fill the guilty silence.

I filled her in on all the details, except for the fact that she was the reason I couldn't pay attention, and she took them in quietly, listening intently with those big doe eyes. I ranted on, including throwing in less than flattering physical descriptions to bash the man who had given me my sentence.

"Well, I had Mr. Smeath last year, and I agree that he's an asshole, but you should really just tiptoe around him. He's not worth arguing with, cause whether we like it or not, he's got the power." I sputtered in reply, but I kind of knew she was right. "And listen, I have to go home anyway, so why don't you just use that time to get your homework done?" I agreed to it.

We chatted casually for the rest of lunch about Mr. Smeath, allowing my anger to vent itself in form of insults. The bell rang and it was time to depart for our final few classes. She planted a kiss on my cheek and made her way down the hall, opposite the direction I was going.

The next three classes passed very quickly in a kind of blur, as I grew more and more nervous about everything that surrounded this detention. What would my mom think? Would my dad be unhappy with me? Would this give Glen a right to make fun of me? I thought of the types of kids who ordinarily went to detention and I shuddered. Would everyone think I was like them?

The hour was upon me before I knew it, and I slowly made my way to the room where my imprisonment would take place, making sure to pick up all of my books as sluggishly as possible from my locker. Even with those delays, I reached those doors too fast. I took a breath and closed my eyes as I walked through them, reminding myself that this would be over soon, and maybe it wouldn't show up on my record.

I opened my eyes, and sorely wished that I hadn't. My breath caught so suddenly that it sent a quick wave of pain throughout my shocked lungs. What I saw sent my stomach rolling in nausea, my head reeling in stupor. I felt for a moment like I would pass out, but consciousness clung to me like a burden, forcing me to witness this scene and not be so privileged as to look away.

Each of her legs were on opposite sides of his as she straddled him in that tiny desk chair. Each of her hands ran through his dark hair, teasing it and twisting it around her fingers. His hands were placed on each of her thighs, his thumbs moving in little circles across her denim jeans. Her hair hung in those loose brown curls that I remembered so well; the very ones that I used to push gingerly out of her face so that I could see her brown-amber eyes. A tiny smile played at her lips; the very ones that used to dance with mine in memories that seemed like perfect dreams, too far from this dismal reality to be considered real.

I couldn't tell you how long I stood there, just staring at the people before me. I could feel each of my fingers and then my entire hands numbing, my forehead tingly with some feeling that I hadn't felt in a while. My stomach felt as though someone's hand had closed around it and was squeezing it tighter and tighter by the moment. All of time seemed to stand still, and I was frozen where I stood. All was still and lifeless, except for my broken heart, which pounded erratically in my chest at an impossibly loud volume.

"Spencer Carlin?" I heard a distant adult voice say. It was probably belonging to the teacher who would monitor this detention, but I couldn't look up. I nodded slowly, hoping that this satisfied the muffled voice, so far from what was important right now. No sooner had the voice said my name, in one instant, I watched everything change. Her body, moments ago so fluid and relaxed became rigid. Her hands stopped and removed themselves from his hair. The smile that had been playing at her lips had been subdued, and her perfect head turned and faced me with a look that could be described as blank and confused. Her eyes met mine, and I could feel them searching for some kind of answer. I knew Aiden was looking too, but I couldn't have cared less. Her eyes were on mine, for the first time in months, and it was intoxicating. They held me there, and I prayed that she would soon look away and let me go so that I could gasp for the breath that my lungs were lacking. If it was even possible, everything had become even stiller. Even my fragmented and weakening heart had been arrested.

"Spencer?" A cold gust of air rushed into my lungs and sent me breathing once more. I wished that I could have made myself look calm, but I knew that my breathing was uneven, choppy, and worst of all, loud. I was practically panting. I barely heard the whisper that escaped her lips, but my eyes were focused on them so intently that I could read my name when it was said. I had for so long wanted to see my name on those perfect lips. To hear it sung in her velvety voice, but now it had an adverse effect on me. It was like a stab to my lungs, my stomach, every other organ and part. Nearly blinded my the pain, the endless memories flickering through my mind like still frames, I turned and made my way towards the door, praying that my feet would guide me there on their own, for my mind was too far away to offer any kind of help.


	4. Nowhere to Run

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Hi everyone! Two updates in one day! I feel accomplished. This one was easy to write, but it's a little short I think. It doesn't really matter, I only wanted to get once scene into it anyway. Anyhow, please continue to comment and let me know what you think – you guys give me inspiration! I was so glad to get some positive feedback on the last chapter, especially with how bad I felt it was. This one I consider kind of ehhh, but I'll leave the judging up to you. Hope you like this one!

Chapter 4 – Nowhere to Run

"Where do you think you're going, Miss?" The teacher asserted, just before I could make my desperate escape. "I don't know if I was under the same impression as you, but I thought you actually had to stay in detention." She laughed, trying to alleviate the tension, I suppose. Could see feel it too, or was it just me who felt like gravity's power had been increased ten times over?

"Is there any way I can just make this up tomorrow?" I asked in a weak voice, not turning around. The thought of staying here for another minute was almost as pleasurable as eating my own ear.

"I'm sorry, dear, but I'm afraid you've got to stay", She said, sounding genuinely sorry. She could sound as sorry as she wanted – she was still on my shit list. She was the one binding me to this emotional ambush that I'd so mindlessly walked into. I turned around after a few seconds, determinedly not looking in the direction of the still shell shocked couple in the little desk. I begged my body to shut down, just to pass out for a little while, so that I didn't have to endure this, but alas, like much of my life at the moment, I didn't get what I wanted.

I sat down in the desk at the opposite back corner of the room and put my head down into my arms, finally allowing some secret tears to slip through. This was the lion's den, and I was the sole human corpse who might still be identifiable if you could put together the limbs in each of the lions' mouths.

I thought about pulling out my homework to try and avert my mind, but that would involve moving. I left my head in my arms, feeling too weak to do much else.

Was she still watching me? She was probably already wrapped in Aiden once more – she had proved before that she didn't care for my feelings, so why was now any different? She was probably just surprised to see me, and now that the moment had passed, she had moved on…right? My question was answered before I was ready for it.

I heard the patting of flip-flops against the tiled floor – just about the only sound attempting to fill this deafening silence. They grew closer and then stopped momentarily, taking a seat in the desk in front of mine. I heard the legs of the chair grate across the floor, so I knew someone now occupied the seat. I prayed that just maybe it was some random person who had just arrived, but the faint but painfully familiar aroma of vanilla did not ease my suspicions. I could hear her shallow breath, almost picturing her face as she searched for the words. I pictured that cute way she furrowed her eyebrows when she was thinking hard, the tight line her lips pressed into. A new sheet of tears filled my eyes and I felt my back rise abruptly with a quick breath. I prayed that she hadn't noticed. I guess she did, because she was moved enough to speak.

"Spencer…" She exhaled. "I… I don't… It's… It's been so long" She stuttered nervously. Well, at least she was having trouble, too. "I… You… You haven't returned my calls in months…" I refused to look up and give her the visual satisfaction of knowing how broken I really was. I hoped that she was at least a little bit broken. That she felt even one-ninth the pain I felt everyday. I hoped that at least once her mind had flickered to me while she was making love to Aiden, like mine did when I was with Avery. I hoped that the memories of us together haunted her; that she wished that she could go back to that prom night and change everything. I hoped that her stomach ached at the thought of what we used to have and lost. I hoped that she never knew love, that she was cursed by the very same thing as I was, and would be forever unable to love who she wanted to love. I hoped that the memory of her telling me that she loved me stung her. That the bitter dishonesty behind each of her words reverberated in her brain, reminding her of the heartless shell of a person that she was. I hoped that she knew that she was the bane of my existence; That I hated her very presence on this earth.

"Spencer" she whispered again, her voice faltering slightly. That was all it took. That one little break in her velvety voice, and I knew that not one of my prior thoughts was true. As much as I wanted to hate her, to wish all of my horrible ailments on her, I couldn't. I still loved her as much as I did before that prom night spiraled down. My love for her was as real and as present as the oxygen in my lungs, as much a part of me as the weak heart fluttering in my chest. I wanted her to be happy, even if it meant I was miserable. At this thought I finally let myself cry. My back rose and fell with those shaky gasps, and my face and arms became wet with tears. I was sure that she could see, and I didn't care anymore. She was the reason I couldn't be happy with Avery. My poor, poor Avery. The sobs came a little harder now, my grieving for lost love now accompanied by guilty tears.

I suddenly felt contact: the tiniest sensation tickling the roots of my hair. A finger gently pushed one of my hanging blonde locks over my shoulder. At this realization, I sat bolt upright, my misery now candid for the world to see. And by the world, of course I meant Ashley, as she was my world.

"You do _not_ get to touch me" I spat breathlessly, as if she'd just kicked me in the stomach. She drew her hand back quickly, looking slightly hurt, but I didn't care. "Not after all of this" I finished, my eyes making intimidating contact with hers. I saw her eyes flicker, faltering under my undying gaze. I hoped she was uncomfortable.

"Spencer, can we talk about this?" She pleaded

"No" I replied dismissively, my voice thick with the tears that were about to overflow.

"Spence, come on" She said, and my heart shuddered and thought briefly about giving out just then when she called me by my nickname. I gasped, trying to recover as if I'd been punched.

"Ashley, I can't do this right now." I tried to say, my voice becoming less and less coherent by the moment.

"You'll never want to do this, but we have to!" She yelled shrilly. If we hadn't had the entire detention as an audience before, we did now.

"Leave me alone, Ashley" I said slowly, trying to articulate each syllable through my relentless tears.

"Spencer –"

"Just leave!" I squealed, my voice finally giving into the tear filled sobs that had been longing to escape my chest. I dropped my head into my arms once more, and let my tears fall freely. She knew the effect she had on me now… well, she was closer to knowing. Closer to the very idea that my world revolved around her existence.

"Fine Spencer" She said, exasperated. I heard her rise from the little desk before me, and her flip flops stomped back up the aisle. I lifted my head, unable to keep myself from watching her departure. When she arrived at the front, she sank into the desk beside Aiden's, perhaps a little too hard. She landed with a bang, and for a moment I felt a wave of pity for her unsuspecting tailbone. She crossed her arms over her chest, clearly frustrated. Aiden extended a hand to place on her shoulder, but she swatted it away angrily.

Knowing that this room would be the death of me, I hastily stood and grabbed my book bag, swinging it onto my back. I shuffled up to the front of the room, to the desk where the teacher sat. I passed Ashley's row, and I could feel her eyes burning a hole in my head. I placed each of my hands on either side of the teachers desk, and mentally commanded her attention. She looked up from her papers, and stared at me with a questioning leer.

"Please." I said in a way that was somehow calm, while allowing every ounce of the despair I felt to seep into the word. I was begging. I was in a tiny room that was filling fast with water. The air was growing thin.

Her mouth hung open for a moment, her eyes at first full of apology. I saw her looking through the glass wall of tears into my own eyes, which cried the same pleas of help. She closed both her eyes and her mouth.

"Okay" She said finally, not opening her eyes. "Smeath finds out, and I will skin you alive", She said jokingly, I suppose hoping to bring out a smile. Her efforts earned her the crack of a smile, though fake it was. I nodded my head in appreciation, and made my way towards the door, sure that my escape was imminent. My lungs quivered excitedly at the prospect of fresh air. My heart was relieved that it was about to be allowed to slow. A foot was across the threshold when that velvety voice found my ears.

"I just want you to know," My breathing had stopped entirely. "That you can run away from me all that you want. You can say whatever verbal jabs you can think of to try and hurt me, to back me off. You can tell me to stay away all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. I made the mistake of not catching you sooner, but now… all I can do now is tell you I'm not going anywhere"

I closed my eyes and took a breath, allowing my careful steps to resume. I allowed myself out of the room, and made my way down the hall in a daze.

I knew very well the truth in her words. Even if she did not physically live up to that promise, I knew that she would be present to me; in my thoughts, my wishes, my fantasies, and my dreams. I wiped the tears from my eyes and stepped with a little more confidence now. I knew that upon reflection, today would change everything. It would explain everything. For now though, I just admired the sunlight seeping through the windows, splashing light onto each classroom door. The very softest smile played at my lips, and though my tear ridden mind began to question its own sanity, my gut knew exactly why.


	5. The Little Voice Eavesdropping

Not Going Anywhere

Chapter 5 - The Little Voice / Eavesdropping

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on SoN

Okay, so I initially planned this chapter to have two little chapters in it, with completely different plot lines. Well, one went as planned, and one ended up really long. So this is pretty much just two in one. Not sure how i feel about this update yet, but i look forward to your feedback.

Chapter 5 – The Little Voice

I had been staring at the ceiling for so long that I would swear that there were holes forming. My body remained perfectly still and unmoving as I lay there on my back with my arms folded across my stomach. I could feel myself taking on a statue like form. My mind, contrary to my physical self, buzzed so much with life that it was as if a rave was taking place on the inside of my skull.

There were no more tears, but in their place came the deluge of thoughts that I knew were coming. The ones I'd been fighting for so long. I knew that I needed a long time to think – all of tonight at the very least. An entire night, devoted the uninterrupted thoughts I would allow to take hold of me.

My peripheral vision caught the red numbers on the clock, reading 6:03 pm. 6:03, and the night to myself. One part of me felt overjoyed to have so much time for just me, but another part feared the damage my uncensored mind might do to me.

There was suddenly a knock at the door. "Come in" I said softly, praying that this did not foreshadow what was supposed to be tonight's solitude.

"Hey, Spence. Feeling any better?" My dad asked concernedly. The corners of his cyan eyes wrinkled in that way that made him look all the more compassionate.

"A little, thanks." I said quietly, trying ever so slightly to make myself sound sick. I had to play the part, didn't I? "I think I just need a night of rest, I'm just exhausted" I finished to my dad, who nodded slowly, understandingly.

"I bet Avery was bummed out that you didn't feel well, huh? I haven't seen you without her in a while" My dad laughed, not even faintly knowing how much his words pertained to my "illness".

"Yeah, she was bummed, but she understood. Plus, more time with her family wasn't necessarily a bad thing. We'll see each other at school tomorrow" I finished, reflecting on our phone conversation. Avery couldn't understand why the teacher would just let me out of detention, but I avoided answering and she eventually dropped it. I could hear the concern in her voice when I told her that I didn't feel well. I didn't feel good about lying to her, but hopefully I'd be saving her feelings a little.

"Okay well let me know if you need anything" My dad said quietly before turning and leaving the room.

And the sweet melody of silence rang once more. _Okay, time to process_, I thought to myself. As much as it pained me to do so, I knew I needed to relive the memories from today – revisit that repulsing scene that would surely replay in perfect 20-20 hindsight vision. I winced and bit my lip, knowing I'd have to suck it up if I wanted to get anywhere with myself tonight.

It didn't take long for my mind to reach the part that made me want to vomit. Ashley and Aiden. The way she was sitting on him…. The way she was smiling… The way her eyes caressed him. As I stood in her wake that prom night and begged her, like a pathetic lowlife to choose me, I had no idea that the inner catastrophe I felt was nothing to the pain I'd know today. It was more than jealousy that I felt. It was that nameless emotion where, in the span of a moment, you wish you were dead rather than feeling what you're feeling. You wish that you had never existed, rather than to feel that blade poking you right where it hurts. You wish that you could just rip your own heart out and spit roast it right in front of her, so that she can see what she's done to you. That should have been me, between those legs, receiving that smile, being embraced in that warm stare. All of those things should have been mine. She promised them to me when she fed me that L word. That word that everyone's so crazy about, but in the vast majority of cases ends up being just an empty word. That was all it was, and for the longest time I blamed her that it wasn't true or real, when really it was my fault. I was naïve enough to believe it could be, right? Sure, Ashley put the dagger into my hands, but the gaping hole in my chest was surely my doing. I should have known better. I should have seen the signs.

I should have expected her to be wrapped in Aiden. I should have expected not to expect anything of her – she left me after all.

My mind switched tracks then to the other person in this sick mess. Someone who made my skin crawl, and my darkest memories come to life. His face stood out in my mind as the catalyst – the one who started it all. The rational part of my mind in the very back tried to get a word in – tried to convince the rest of my mind that it wasn't really his fault, that Ashley and I would have fallen apart regardless. The rest of my brain figuratively dropped and punted the rational part. I did blame him. And though I tried not to, his face still hung in my mind as a beacon of all things evil.

The worst part of all was the look on his face. The fact that it was _him_ beneath her loving gaze. It was the fact that _his_ hands were on her, working those little circles with his little thumbs, sitting there with his little penis… (okay… I admit, too far)

The next thought hit me like a big yellow school bus. I witnessed all of that. I faced the horror of seeing my ex – my _world_, with someone else. The face I'd dreamed about, the one that induced nostalgia, happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, bliss, and misery with the bat of an eyelash.

That face had the nerve to ask me to talk to her. To be reasonable. After I'd witnessed it all but sucking face with that bastard. She even had the nerve to tell me that she wasn't going anywhere. _She_ wasn't going anywhere? All she'd done since I'd met her was _go_ everywhere! How could she expect me to trust her? Did she expect a welcome back with open arms- or open legs, for that matter? The thoughts in my head bounced furiously off the walls, clashing with one another and creating a tiny war.

The thing that bothered me most, ever so secretly, was that tiny, miniscule, infinitismal, minute voice that whispered from underneath the others; The one that said what the others were afraid to hear. It was just a whisper now, but I knew it would grow into a murmur, then into a mumble, then eventually into a battle cry. I still loved her. I would _always_ love her.

That voice – that wise, and omniscient little voice – knew that it was only a matter of time before she knew too.

Images of her face flickered through my brain – some of them from memories, some from fantasies, some even from that horrible scene that I wanted eradicated from my head. They danced in my mind, repeating themselves over and over. I can't remember exactly where they ended, but I know for certain that Ashley did not leave me as I slipped out of consciousness.

(Chapter 5 Part II – Eavesdropping)

Consciousness came slowly, like it always does after you've had an amazing sleep. When I finally opened my eyes, I caught the clock: 9 am.

9 am?! School had started already! Half an hour ago! I flipped open my phone, wondering whether the alarm had ever gone off. 2 Texts: one from my dad regarding the leftover grilled chicken that was left over for me, and one from Avery. _Avery_. My poor Avery, who I had barely thought of before having so carelessly drifted to sleep last night. So much for an entire night to think. Her text, sent just 25 minutes ago, inquired about my whereabouts. '**hugely overslept. See you at lunch**" I typed quickly, sure that I must have misspelled something in my haste. I hurriedly rose and wiped my eyes, which were still heavy lidded, which I supposed was from the excess crying the day before. I pulled on the nearest clothes I could find, mixing and matching the already used articles on my floor.

Within minutes I was out the door and in the car, half a bagel hanging out of my mouth. There was probably cream cheese all over my cheek now – awesome. I tried to wipe it off as I threw the car in reverse and sped off to school.

I walked through the parking lot stiffly, feeling anxious about my tardiness. If a hall monitor or anyone saw me come in at this time, my perfect attendance record would be shot to hell. Worse yet, I'd get another detention for sure. I quickened my pace further, part of me knowing that it would make no difference whether or not I saved a few seconds.

My hand gently pulled the door handle while I said a prayer that it wouldn't creak. Much to my happiness, it didn't make a peep and I proceeded up the stairs as if walking on glass shards. I tiptoed down the hall as quickly as possible, envisioning my destination: English class. I silently thanked God that I had Mrs. Nolan's English class first – she liked me more than enough to wave away my lateness. If it had been Mr. Smeath's class… well I may as well be on my way to detention now.

The door was in my view – the sight of the familiar chipped blue paint had never made me happier. My steps came a little faster now, and though my feet became a little louder, I didn't care – I was so close. Nearly at a jog, I reached for the doorhandle –

"Miss, do you have a bathroom pass?" chirped an unfamiliar voice. I froze, my back stiffening noticeably. My hand was frozen on the door handle, my mind debating whether or not just to burst into the classroom and make a scene.

"I…um… No, I don't" I said quietly, stupidly hoping that if he didn't hear me, he'd forget that I was here. Fail.

"Well I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to give you a detention, then." He said, as my mind wailed in response. No, no no! I screamed internally. I could _not_ have another detention. For all the normal reasons, with one added reason, as of yesterday. One big brown eyed, feathery haired, chiseled abed reason. I finally turned to face my opponent, rolling my eyes sarcastically. Between myself and the eyes that stared back at me existed a thick wall of glass, magnifying his eyes at least 3 times their normal size. His pointy little teeth hid beneath braces. Every square inch of his unfortunate face was covered in acne – the kind where it hurt to even look. For a moment I considered sliding him a $5 dollar bill when taking my detention slip.

An idea suddenly dawned on me. I wasn't proud of what I was about to try, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

"What's your name?" I said softly, drawing awfully close to a whisper. I forced my eyes to rove fondly over his scrawny body, drawing them back expectantly to his magnified eyes, which now held clear signs of confusion and discomfort.

"Erm… Earl" He responded uncomfortably, shifting his weight slightly. He lifted one of his legs and adjusted a sock.

"Why haven't I seen you around before?" I said flirtatiously, perhaps trying a bit too hard. I took a step toward him, hoping that the nearness in proximity would quicken this encounter.

"I've been around" He said, swallowing hard afterward. His eyes would meet mine for a moment and then avert uncomfortably. I almost felt bad. Almost.

"Weird, I don't remember ever having seen – oh!" Feeling desperate, I staged a clumsy fall – right into his arms. I could feel his bones in his embrace. His musty smell mixed with that of eggo waffles made me want to vomit in my mouth.

His eyes met mine for a moment as I stayed perfectly immobile in his arms. I tried to morph what I was sure was an expression of disgust into an expression of adoration. I probably disgraced the name of actors everywhere. If this kid bought this, he had bigger problems than his skin. Unrelenting now, his eyes bore into mine, and he wouldn't move.

I couldn't believe what I was about to do. Oh my god, ew. _Think straight, Spence. Think straight_, I told myself. My mind laughed heartily – not even being straight would make Earl more attractive. I closed my eyes and moved my face closer to his. So close that I could feel his breath (yes, definitely eggo waffles I smelled, by the way) on my face. _Here we go_, I said to myself, shutting my eyes a little tighter, trying with all my might to imagine Avery on the other side.

Our lips had almost met when he fled out from underneath me. I fell to the floor with a bang, and took a moment to internally whine about the bruise that would form on my hip before looking back up at the little nerd – who I pitied slightly less as my hip throbbed a little more.

"I'm sorry…. I… I have a girlfriend" He mumbled quickly, turning on his heel and walking quickly in the other direction. I was so taken aback by this confession that I almost forgot to be euphoric that my mouth never touched his.

The euphoria died as quickly as it had arrived. "And here's your detention slip" I heard from around the corner. Not a moment later, his figure approached me and put a slip in my hand.

The rest of the day passed in somewhat of a blur – probably because I was busy sulking about _another_ detention, despite my futile attempts at flirting. I wasn't going to lie, it hurt my ego a little bit, to be turned down by someone like him. That wasn't even the worst part though – the worst was the knowledge that I'd probably see Ashley again today. The worst was seeing Avery at lunch and acting like everything was okay, even when I knew she knew it wasn't. The worst was having to wonder what was going to happen, if I'd somehow reveal that I still loved Ashley. What would Avery do? What would _Ashley_ do?

I banished the thought from my mind, telling myself that it would never happen. Ashley would never find out. She couldn't.

The end of the day came, despite my anxiety and trepidation. I gathered my books slowly once more, hoping to kill as much time as possible. When I arrived, and I finally opened my eyes, I was overwhelmed by what I saw. I knew I shouldn't have been so taken aback, but seeing Ashley, so close to me, so real, was more than I could take. For so long she had been but a figment of my imagination – an icon of my past, existing only in my memory. When I saw her, it was like I felt the old Spencer flaring up inside. An old Spencer that I didn't even realize I'd temporarily lost.

Don't get the wrong idea, though. While all of these things happened in my mind my stomach clenched and then dropped. My forehead began to burn, and I felt beads of sweat forming. My nervousness sent adrenaline through my body, causing my knees to shake. The blood pumped violently through my veins, and I feared they'd explode. My eyes, which felt as if they were protruding from my skull, flickered madly as I took in the scene before me.

There she was. Ashley Davies, in all her heart-wrenching glory. Unlike yesterday, today I found her sitting on an inanimate object. I quickly noted that, as much as I never thought it possible, at this moment I was jealous of a chair. Her perfect legs were crossed neatly beneath the desk, one of her feet bobbing lightly, probably to the beat of the song I could vaguely hear emerging from her blaring ipod ear pieces. Half of her hair was up today, only the back allowing those perfect brown curls to fall freely. Her eyes were fixed intently on her desk, a pen in her hand suggesting that she was working on something. Her cheekbones, oh so perfect, were –

Wait. Hold the phone. _Ashley Davies_ was working on something? I knew it had been a long time, but I never thought I'd see the day that Ashley did homework. Almost too weirded out by that fact, I let my eyes wander for a moment, until I came across the other object of my nightmares.

Aiden sat in a slouched posture on the other side of the room. In fact, he was probably as far from Ashley as one could be. He gloomily stared down at what I guessed was some homework assignment. Something was definitely wrong with him, but I didn't really care enough to think much more on him – he was definitely still on my shit list.

"Spencer Carlin here" I said, somewhat surprised at the confidence that rang in my voice. I guess that seeing Aiden upset empowered me. That sounds so awful, but I really think that's what it was.

Today's proctor looked up and nodded, proceeding to scribble something on his paper – probably checking me off the list of delinquents to have arrived.

I looked over and noticed Ashley was looking at me – her brown eyes full of confusion. I stared back at her for a moment, unsmiling, before nodding at her in acknowledgement. I felt that my gesture of a nod was almost more than she deserved right now. She nodded back, allowing her eyelids to linger closed for a moment. I might have just imagined it, but I could have sworn I saw a smile playing at the corners of her lips.

I walked to the back of the room and took a seat between where Ashley and Aiden sat in the front – I wanted to be able to keep an eye on both of them. I pulled out my math books and began to do some work absent mindedly, periodically looking up and surveying the two people who had haunted me so much these past many months.

About an hour had passed – only a half hour to go – and still no tears. Today was exceeding my expectations. While it still hurt me to look at her, knowing that she wasn't mine (and worse, that she didn't deserve to be), I supposed it was a little easier now since the initial shock of seeing her had worn off. Having Aiden far away from her surely didn't hurt. I was certain that he was thinking about her, though, because I would watch him occasionally look up and throw her a sideways glance. A gesture that repeatedly went unreturned. Each time he allowed his head to fall back down, looking each time a little more dejected. If asked about the enormous urge to smile that took over my facial muscles when this happened, I will deny it.

The teacher finally looked up from his papers and dismissed us. I'd been counting down for the last 5 minutes. While I was happy that I was stronger than I thought, I didn't want to face Ashley quite yet. I packed my things a few minutes early in preparation, knowing that the moment that I was free, I'd be out the door. And I was. I don't think 10 seconds had elapsed. I scurried out of the room, not looking back to see whether or not her eyes followed me.

As I walked down the hall, I tried to avert my mind from the girl sitting in the room that grew farther behind me with each step. Homework. What did I still have to do? I thought over each of my subjects. It occurred to me suddenly that I needed my French binder, which was currently in my locker. I groaned for a moment, then turned down the hall, then turned the corner into the locker area. Deciding to lighten my load, I put all of my finished work back in my locker. Maybe this detention thing wasn't so bad after all– I had made a large dent in tonight's workload, and that was _with_ the distraction of Ashley. I internally laughed at myself – appreciating detention. Psh, next I was going to be asking Glen to read me the list of girls who "wanted to go out with him". I gently closed my locker door after making sure that the inside was neat, and for a moment, I was at peace.

Like most of those moments in my life, it was short lived.

"Would you stop avoiding me?" I heard a voice pierce the silence. A clatter of footsteps. They were getting closer.

"I'm not avoiding you", a velvety voice said dismissively. Instantaneously, my moment of peace had been destroyed. There she was, yet again, wrecking any form of calmness that I would ever feel.

The footsteps became louder. They were definitely coming this way. What was I going to do? I couldn't walk out; they'd surely see me. What on earth could I do? I was running out of time. Instinct kicked in, and I did what any threatened being does. I hid. From behind the opened door, I listened to the footsteps finally crossing the threshold. I couldn't help myself, I peeked too, making sure that none of me was exposed where they could see.

Aiden tailed her closely, his pace picking up until his hand was gripping her shoulder. He forcefully turned her around and put her up against a locker, and I felt a burning desire to kick his nuts. I hated the fact that he could touch her at all, let alone like that.

"Please talk to me", he pleaded. Okay, the desire to kick him in the nuts lessened a tad. In his voice I could hear the quiet desperation. The longing for her. The worry that he might lose her. I knew that vocal break all too well – I'd heard it surface in my own voice too many times.

It occurred to me in that very moment. I was not the only one who loved her. I mean, I'd technically known since the prom night, but I'd never truly acknowledged it. He longed for her the same way I did. He fell for those very same brown eyes, staring out from beneath those brown curls. This in no way took Aiden off of my shit list, but I finally understood it on a deeper level, and it was kind of consoling.

After a long silence, she finally responded.

"Okay" she sighed, "I'm avoiding you a little"

"Why?" He asked, the hurt not even masked in his voice.

"Aiden, don't even pretend you don't know why" She said quietly, looking down at her feet. It was clear that she didn't want to have this conversation.

The silence that followed was eerie. I could feel my chest contracting, begging for air as I held my breath. The suspense killed me. That silence may as well have been an explosion – the nothingness that flooded my ears all but shattered my eardrums. I feared that I might actually go mad waiting for someone to speak. Thankfully, he finally spoke.

"It's her. It's always been her, hasn't it?" She nodded slowly, still not looking at him. Though his stature didn't show it, I knew he was crumbling inside. "I think I've always known." He continued. She finally looked up at him, with eyes covered in a blanket of tears. "Its just that… well you've been doing so well. And yesterday… We came so close, Ash. It was almost like it was before you met her. It felt right." He knew what the answer would be. It was clear that he knew he was defeated, but it didn't stop the begging in his voice.

"I know", she said so quietly that I could barely hear her. "But it was one time. And she walked in, Aiden. She walked right back into my life. It was a sign. A sign that you and me, we can't." It clearly pained her to say this. She knew that he loved her. Sure, Ashley was the girl who was known to stomp on hearts, but that doesn't mean she enjoyed it.

Aiden nodded understandingly.

"So what do you do now?" He asked curiously.

"I don't really know" She responded. "Something. Anything that will show her I meant what I said. I have to fix what I've ruined" Silence.

Me. She was talking about _me. _She had to fix what she'd ruined. She ruined _me._

"So what do _we_ do now?" He finally inquired. She paused and closed her eyes.

"I need you to give me some space. I'm so sorry Aiden." She said. "You know what she saw yesterday. If you were her, would you want to see me with you?"

After a long pause, Aiden shook his head. "Just some space for a little while… until I can at least talk to her without having her run away from me."

"I get it", he finally sighed. "But I want you to be careful, Ash. I've seen very well what this girl has done to you. I don't want you where you were a few months ago –" She interrupted him,

"Aiden, you and I both know this entire mess is my fault. I know that I seem so much better now, but Aiden, this is like a band-aid. Who knows how long it would have lasted. Nothing is ever going to change for me until I change it. I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to think that I could just move on. " She finished, pain surfacing in her voice for the first time. Aiden nodded.

"Please, just be careful" He added one more time. Pleading with her.

"I'll try. But I'm going to have to risk it if I want any hope of ever getting her back"

"I'll see you…sort of… tomorrow. Remember that just because I'm more distant doesn't mean I don't care" Aiden said definitively, giving her a squeeze on the shoulder. Ashley nodded finally, not saying a word.

With that, I pulled my head back so that I couldn't see anything. I heard footsteps leaving, but my mind didn't really register what was happening. Never in my life had I been in the presence of so many emotions. Part of me screamed with joy. She wanted me. Part of me growled angrily. She thought she could have me back. After all she'd done to me – after all I'd been through. For god's sake, I was in a relationship! Another part of me was frustrated at my contradicting feelings. A very very small part of me pitied Aiden. Most of all though, confusion dominated, as my mind swarmed with questions.

What the hell did he mean, 'what _I'd _done to _her_?' How on earth had I done anything to her? What did he mean, she's doing so much better? When was she doing worse? _What _was she doing worse?

My thoughts were interrupted by a small hiccup. I froze, realizing that I wasn't alone. I slowly peeked enough of my head out to see who was in my company, but upon first glance, I could find no one. Had I imagined it? No! There it was again, accompanied this time by a little gasp for air. Upon scanning the room again, I finally caught something. Curled up in a little ball in the corner, was none other than the brown haired beauty that consumed all of my thoughts. There she was, weeping, crumbling. In that instant, I wanted nothing more than to go over and embrace her. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head, and tell her everything was going to be alright. I wanted to rock back and forth with her until she fell asleep in my caress. I nearly acted on this impulse, until something else occurred in my mind. A very similar image: the crumbling girl, the tears, the pain. Nobody was there to comfort me. Nobody pulled me in tight, kissed my head and consoled me. Well, not like that exactly. But I did have someone. Someone whose fiery head had just made a re entrance to my mind like an encore performance on a stage. My Avery.

With these, and many other thoughts buzzing through my mind, I waited until Ashley left. I couldn't tell you how long it was. It might have been minutes, maybe hours. Finally, though, she left – making sure to wipe the tears from her face beforehand.

I waited there for a few minutes in my solitude. The silence that hung around me now was more of a comfort than a burden. Attempting to clear my thoughts, I finally rose and stepped around and out the door. Tomorrow would be an interesting day, that was to be relied upon.


	6. Meet Me in the Gym

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Okay guys, here's chapter 6. Sorry its short. I'm also kinda mad cause its my least favorite so far, but whatever. I'll try to get the next up as quickly as possible, but I cant' make really soon promises, cause my life is a little hectic. I'll do my best though

Oh and by the way, there was a mistake in chapter 5. Ashley and Aiden hooked up more than once. It was a very recent thing, but yes, it did happen more than just the one time Spencer walks in.

Chapter 6 – Meet Me in the Gym

_So far so good_, I told myself, as I shuffled down the hall towards the cafeteria. After last nights events, I expected today to be something out of a soap opera. Sure, they didn't know I was listening to them yesterday, but seeing as my life had been filled to the brim with drama the last few days, I didn't quite know what to expect. Much to my relief, though, things seemed almost… normal.

Well, except for the fact that Ashley's face was now a constant presence in my mind; And that the sound of her weeping seemed to reverberate in my ears, accompanied by the lurch of my stomach. And of course there were those questions that danced obnoxiously through my mind. What was wrong with her? Why did Aiden think I had anything to do with whatever it was? And then there was the question I stifled – the one that I knew I wasn't ready to think about – She still loves me. What does that mean? Do I do anything about it? Does she expect me to, after all she's put me through?

I shuddered, growing more nauseous at the excessive stressful thought. Well, I guess I revise my earlier statement. Things were, by no means, normal. I guess what I meant to say was, good thing I haven't gotten detention today, or better yet, seen the girl who torments me so. _Out of sight, out of mind_ I said to myself, knowing it was wishful thinking. Wishing Ashley out of my thoughts now was like wishing spots on a zebra.

Avery was waiting at our table for me, two lunch trays waiting as they always were. Mmmm, Sushi Wednesdays. Before sitting down I leaned across the table and gave her a brief kiss. She smiled weakly, attempting to put up a façade. She knew something was up with me, and it was hurting her too. It killed me to see that look in her big brown eyes – the one that tried to appear happy, but revealed worry and anxiety beneath. The rest of her fake happy facial expression might have fooled me had it not been for those expressive eyes peering out from beneath perfect brows.

"Sushi Wednesdays" She said quietly, seeing the flicker of excitement on my face when I looked at our trays. "I got you your California roll and poked out the crab for you, like you always do" She smiled, having no idea what she was doing to me. Her kind and personal gesture triggered the flare of guilt that had been threatening to explode all day. My stomach felt like it had just dropped onto the hard concrete ground. My forehead began to burn. My heart felt like it had just been twisted and wrung like a wet towel. Avery had been nothing but kind to me, and here I was…. Doing what? It suddenly struck me that I hadn't done anything that was actually wrong. I had barely talked to Ashley, let alone touched her or anything else. Both the faces of Avery and Ashley taunted me, seeming to battle one another for dominant presence in my mind. It occurred to me that my guilt probably stemmed from the fact that Avery _wasn't_ the only face on my mind. Avery deserved my whole mind. My whole heart. I wanted to give them to her so badly. For that instant, I loathed Ashley Davies for stealing what should belong to Avery. That small rational voice though, piped up once again, chiming in that they were not stolen, but given away. I smacked that little voice down – hating Ashley was easier than loving her, despite what an untrue substitute sentiment it was.

"Thanks", I said, trying to come back to the present. I sat down and picked up my first piece of sushi. We ate in silence for a few minutes. I wondered what she was thinking about – I obviously had enough to consume my mind with, but I couldn't help but wonder what went on behind those eyes. She looked very pensive. Every time I looked up at her, I would swear that she looked down. Was she studying me or something? My answer came soon enough.

"So, do you want to tell me what's been eating you these last couple days?"

She had finally asked. I knew she was going to eventually, but I didn't quite prepare for it. My mind, which for the last few days had not ceased to race, suddenly became blank. What do I say to her? For a moment I debated telling her everything. Coming clean. Maybe omitting the part about me still loving Ashley. Ugh, but that was the entire problem. Even the mention of Ashley would probably worry Avery – she knew what Ashley did to me. She had to pick up the pieces, after all. So what do I say?

I gaped at her for a moment, my mouth hanging open in a stupid stare. She looked at me expectantly. I was preparing myself to tell a lie, concocting a scheme in my head, when suddenly Glen rushed up to our table.

"Spencer, I have a note for you." He panted. Had he just run over here? Beads of sweat clung to his face. He shoved it hastily into my hand on the table.

"Who is it from?" I asked, my eyes focused intently on his.

"Aiden… I was a little surprised. Haven't heard of you two talking in a while. You holding out on me, Spence? Straightening out?" He said it jokingly, but it didn't stop me puking in my mouth.

"Jesus Glen, don't even joke about that. Ew." Okay, time to process. Aiden? Why would he be sending me a note? He's just about the last person I wanted to hear from. "Did you read it?" I asked Glen quickly.

"Naturally" He flashed me a toothy smile. "Thought you two might be meeting under the bleachers or something" He said teasingly. Gross. I looked at Avery and rolled my eyes. For once she looked almost… annoyed. Seeing her expression, I grabbed her hand and squeezed it lightly. She offered me a lame smile that her eyes didn't follow at all, but I'd take it.

"Thanks, Glen" I said sarcastically. "You may go"

"YES, DRILL SARGEANT!" He replied loudly, saluting me. I would have laughed at the Forrest Gump quote if not for the curious circumstances. I wanted desperately to know what was inside this letter, but I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted Avery to know. I had to get out of here.

"Avery, I just remembered that I've got to do my… uh… lab report. Aiden is my partner. Can we continue our conversation later?" It frightened me how easily these lies escaped my lips.

She nodded, her eyes falling. My guilt stung once more, as I prepared to leave her alone again, but I needed to know what was inside this letter. The suspense built quickly in my chest, pressing hard against my ribcage. I gathered up my things, throwing my sushi back in the box to eat later. Sushi can't be wasted. I looked up at Avery once more before leaving. My eyes met the top of her auburn head, glowing in the sunlight. I hated that I couldn't see her face. Taking my hand, I gently pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, then lifted her chin. I leaned in slowly and kissed her forehead, lingering for a moment. She looked up at me with tired eyes and the corners of her lips turned up weakly.

"I'll text you after school" I said, hoping to reassure her. She nodded again, looking unconvinced. "I mean it. I want to talk about this later." I lied. But it had the effect I hoped it would.

"Okay, okay! Go!" She laughed lightly, probably more out of frustration than anything, but I'd pretend it was genuine.

"Bye!" I called over my shoulder as a raced down the corridor. My feet were moving faster than my brain. When I was finally in private, I unfolded the note, written messily on loose leaf paper.

'**Please meet me in the gym during lunch. I know I'm probably the last person you want to see, but I'm begging you. Please come' **

What? Why on earth did Aiden want to see me in the gym? I swear this week was getting weirder and weirder. So much for a drama free day. Should I go? My curiosity chomped at the bit, but the grudge holding part of me questioned. It wasn't like I owed him anything. He's the one who started all of this. If he didn't exist I wouldn't know any of this madness. I was perfectly justified in simply not going. I turned on my heel and walked down the hall, destination unknown.

"I didn't think you'd actually come" he said, sounding relieved as the gym door closed behind me.

"Neither did I" I said, honestly confused at why I'd come at all. He stood in the middle of the gym, as if trying to be theatrical in some way. "So, do you want to tell me why I'm here?" I said, not even trying to keep the coldness out of my voice.

"Uh, yeah" He said, sounding a little uncertain. There was silence for a few moments. "Well, it's not really my place to tell you this, but Ashley still has feelings for you". Each word escaped his lips more slowly than the next, seeming to become more grueling by the syllable. I tried to look surprised. To be honest I think I looked pretty convincing.

"I thought you two were a thing" I said, pretty sure I was rubbing salt in his wound. A small part of me felt awful for it, but the other, angrier part felt that he deserved it.

"I thought so too, but its clear now that you're the only one" He said finally. I could hear him trying to mask the sadness in his voice. There was a long silence after that statement. For some reason, I didn't feel comfortable making eye contact with him. If I looked him in the eyes I'd probably have to acknowledge that his feelings for her were real – and I certainly didn't want to pity him. I fixed my eyes on my shoes, studying the texture of my shoelaces. We stood in silence for what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a minute.

"Why are you telling me this, Aiden?" I suddenly burst out. I was a little surprised at myself. It wasn't even as if thoughts had been bubbling to the surface and begging to break free. My mind and my mouth seemed to be one, now. My filter was currently defective. He looked almost as surprised.

"Because I need you to be careful with her" He said quietly. Be careful with her? Why was he acting as if Ashley was a porcelain knick-knack? She was a person, and could very well take care of herself. I'd seen it myself.

"What do you mean?" I said, beginning to sound annoyed.

"She's… she's just not quite as indestructible as she looks. She's more fragile than she'll acknowledge right now" Since when had Aiden become the sensitive Dr. Phil?

"Aiden, what I mean is, I don't get what you're telling _me_ this. Ashley and I aren't together. We haven't been for a while. We're not even friends. She's not my responsibility." I said each of the words with a little more fervor, feeling an increasing sting with each one. I longed for what I said not to be true. For the first time, Aiden looked annoyed. He rolled his eyes then stared at me incredulously.

"Spencer, why don't you get it?" He said almost maliciously. If this was his plan on winning me over, he was fighting a losing battle. "I wouldn't be saying this to you at all if I didn't mean it. Do you really think I want to have this conversation with you?" I opened my mouth to speak, but then closed it again. He was right.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, "I'm listening"

"She's yours, Spencer. She's always been yours. She needs you" His words were like a slap across the face. I knew that those words should illuminate a light in my heart that had been out for months, but they had the opposite effect. My heart beat a little slower, and I could feel my face grow cold. Emotion began to bubble up inside of me. It was rising fast.

"Oh… she's mine? Nice to know. Was she mine that whole time she was in Europe? Those days when I called her repeatedly, crying my eyes out? The times when I began calling her cell, knowing there'd be no answer, but calling anyway just so that I could hear her voice on the message? Yeah… she totally felt like she was mine then." I couldn't help it. The words were bursting from me like lava from a volcano. The fact that he could assert so boldly that she 'was mine' was like a mockery of all the tears I had cried. She wasn't mine. She was never mine.

"You know she doesn't deal well with death –" I couldn't help it, I interrupted. How could he be defending her?

"I don't give a shit that she doesn't deal well with death, Aiden! In relationships you step out of your comfort zone. You let down your walls and allow someone to love even your weaknesses. She couldn't do that for me. She never let down her walls. That's how I know she fooled me. Now I can see that it wasn't real." Part of me couldn't believe that these words were really coming out of my mouth. I'd never told these things to anyone. I'd barely even admitted them to myself. Tears were rising. I tried my best to stifle them, but they were hard pressed on making their escape. I could see Aiden's temper rising.

"You don't know what you're talking about" He said coldly, looking away from me finally. A moment ago I'd have been thrilled to break eye contact with him, but now I wanted nothing more than to stare him down.

"Oh I don't? Oh, yes, of course, how could I forget. You knew our relationship better than I did! You were in the _middle_ of it the entire time!" I used the sarcasm like a weapon to hide the hurt that swept over me, like a fresh sheet of icy rain.

"Spencer, stop it! You really don't know! God, if you only knew what you did to her –" I interrupted again. Today was not my most polite day, evidently.

"What _I _did to _her?_ Are you serious? How about what she did to me? Aiden, I don't know if you're aware, but on that prom night, I lost both my brother, and the person that I loved. I lost the very girl my earth revolved around. All I needed was her shoulder to cry on, and she couldn't even give me that. This was the girl that I'd risked everything on. I chose her over my family – on multiple occasions! And as soon as the going gets tough, she's off like a bat out of hell. Do you really want to talk to me about hurt? I could go on all day" The tears were streaming down my cheeks now, and I stood there, suddenly feeling empty in his pitiful gaze. I had poured out all that I had in me. There was some more silence. It filled the holes I'd just emptied.

"I'm sorry Spencer, I didn't mean to imply that you hadn't gone through hell." He said finally. "I just wish you knew what she became without you. Spencer…" He looked as if debating whether to proceed, or run. "she crumbled." Silence.

"Aiden, listen, I-" his turn to interrupt.

"No, Spencer, you listen. I thought that I had lost her. That the world had lost her. You looked into her eyes and there was not a girl there, but a blank page. God, if only you could know"

"Well then why don't you tell me" I said quickly, growing a little annoyed once more, at my ignorance to this story.

"I… I think I've said enough. Anything else should be hers to tell" _What._ After all of that, he wasn't going to elaborate? Fury rose in my chest, conquering the grief that had resided there a minute ago.

"Aiden, make up your mind! You tell me to listen, now you won't speak. What the hell is going – URGHHH" I groaned, being interrupted once more. This time, though, it was the school bell – chiming to signal my departure for my next class. I couldn't believe all that was going on. I caught his eyes one last time and stared into them fixedly. For a moment I thought I might develop spontaneous laser vision with the intensity of my leer.

I then turned on my heel and stomped back towards the gymnasium door, wiping the remnants of tears on my sleeve.

"Just please tell me you'll open your mind to her again" He said to my back. I was half tempted to tell him the truth. To say that it never closed to her. Alas, I did not.

"I can't." I huffed mid step, making sure that my stride didn't break.

"And why not?" He retorted quickly. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him. Luckily my face was hidden in shadow, and he could not see how it was twisted with pain.

"Because I have a girlfriend," I said finally, turning before I could see his reaction. I couldn't bear to watch it. I, myself, was startled by my own words. Just hearing them in the context of this emotional catastrophe rattled my bones. I had a girlfriend. Why was I standing in the middle of an empty gymnasium, pouring my heart out to a guy I loathed, instead of her? My mind raced once more, and for a split second, I mourned the loss of my "normal" day.


	7. The Truth Comes Out

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Chapter 7!!! I hope you guys like it. There were some aspects of it that I really liked, and others that I didn't like quite as much. Anyway, if it seems like Spencer is being bipolar, she is, as I believe is justified given her circumstances. The next chapter should (hopefully) be up soon, cause I only have one plan for it and its not huge, so it shouldn't be a long one. Thank you guys so much for your reviews, they really inspire me. Keep them coming! A Special thanks to the people who consistently give me feedback, like MrsMusgraveTNG, Ashikinz, prissy020304, chunkymonkey3, and Nismofire (who is probably this story's number one cheerleader XD) Without further ado, Chapter 7.

Chapter 7 – The Truth Comes Out… And This Time it's Not Mine

My phone suddenly buzzed, startling me out of the trance that I was in. It was a message from Avery.

'yeah, im still in if u r' the text read. I had asked if she still wanted to hang out tonight. Truth be told, I didn't really feel like seeing her, or anyone for that matter, until my head was cleared, but I felt as if I'd been neglecting Avery the past few days, in more ways than one. I owed her some quality time.

'yeah i am. what do u want to do?' I typed in reply. Sent.

Okay, now what was I thinking about? Oh yes, how could I forget. Ashley. For the last hour and a half since school had let out, I had been thinking about her. Today's conversation with Aiden had aroused my curiosity. It burned in my mind, longing to be quenched. What could possibly have happened to her? It wasn't as if she ever let anyone close enough to her to hurt her – she was virtually invulnerable. Ashley's walls stayed up, no matter what. It wasn't as if _I_ had lowered them… right? She wasn't with me anymore, after all.

Part of my mind knew that I should just try and forget her, once and for all. I had a really great thing going with Avery. I should just immerse myself in her and forget Ashley. She chose to leave. If she still loved me, it was her own fault. I was moving on. _Yeah, that's a good idea_, I told myself.

I sat there in silence for a few moments. Real silence – even the seemingly ever-present mumblings of my mind were quiet. Well, what now? The curiosity ember sparked once more, almost as if reminding me of its presence.

Well, finding out what happened to her wasn't wrong… right? I wasn't going to do anything about it, obviously… since I was moving on and all…. Was it wrong to want to know?

Before I could answer that for myself, my hand sought out my phone and began clicking through my contacts. I scanned through them quickly as if my time was limited. Aiden, no… I didn't feel like speaking to him again, Ashley, obviously not, Avery, no, Bill, did he even know her? Brianna, no…

I got all the way to the K's before I saw something. Kelly, no, Kim, no, Kyla…. _Kyla!_ My finger hit the 'send' button before my mind even had a chance to catch up.

I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, my chest becoming tighter and tighter with each ring. I told myself to calm down and breathe, but to no avail. Voicemail. Ugh, what a let down.

I set my phone down on the table, perhaps too hard. It buzzed loudly, startling me again. I thought it might be yelling at me, but then I realized that I had a text back from Avery.

'hmm… wanna go to the park? I feel like we need some time to talk" My stomach dropped a little lower. A night in the park. How on earth was I going to avoid talking about Ashley? No, we had to do something else. What else could we do? What would my excuse be for not wanting to go to the park? Wouldn't it be my luck that the one time I needed some thoughts my brain went as silent as a graveyard.

_Ugh. Looks like we're going to the park_, I admitted after nearly 5 minutes of staring blankly at my wall.

'sure. meet you there at 6?' I replied finally, feeling anxious and defeated. I was in for it. The reply came almost instantaneously.

'sounds perfect ' .

-

It was 6, and I had already been here for 15 minutes. I had decided at home that I best be on my way rather than sit around my room and stew about what tonight might bring. I didn't really consider the fact that I would instead be sitting on a park bench and stewing all the same.

What was I going to tell her? Should I come up with a story? I immediately replied no internally. I had already lied to Avery more than I cared to think about. I was going to tell her the truth. But how much of the truth? Not all of it, surely. No, telling her that Ashley still loved me would just stir up trouble, wouldn't it?

I tried to relax my mind. I studied the area around me for a few moments. The trees along the horizon painted a black contrast against a darkening pink sky. If I weren't so stressed, I'm sure I'd have admired it more. I averted my gaze to me feet, atop the gray concrete of the path. My eyes, restless and unsure of where to stay, wandered down the walkway, which wound through the trees out to the parking lots. This really was such a random spot, but it was _our_ spot. This was where Avery and I had come countless times to… well, I won't go into details. Obviously during a time when I was less of an emotional yard sale than I was now. I shut my eyes and wished with all of my might that I could just go back to one of those times; back to a time where I knew what I wanted and it was her.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of shifting grass coming from behind me. I turned around quickly, making sure that I wasn't about to come face to face with a serial killer, although if I saw him at this point, it wouldn't matter because it was too late to escape anyway. Luckily the figure in the hooded Hollister sweatshirt bore the stature of a woman. When she let down her hood and shook out her smooth auburn hair, I turned back away from her and closed my eyes, saying a silent prayer that tonight went well.

"Well don't you look sketchy" I said jokingly, still not turning towards her.

"I was getting cold" She replied, allowing herself to fall next to me onto the bench. "I've been here for a while, but I didn't figure you'd be here until 6, so I took a walk off the path" She finished.

"Oh, I've been here for a little over 15 minutes" I replied lamely, knowing that these words were merely buying time, moments. Then there was some silence; a silence that reeked of tension and unsaid words.

"Alright Spence, what's going on?" Avery said finally, almost exhaling. It sounded like it was something she'd been waiting to say.

"Ugh, I don't know" I replied, half truthfully. I knew what was going on, technically, but I didn't know how I felt about it, and that's what mattered, wasn't it?

"Try me" Avery said definitively. "It's not like I've got anywhere to be, or anyone else to see" At this she turned and looked at me, her doe eyes set on mine. I couldn't refuse those eyes. They pried off the hinges of my secrecy, delved into what felt like my soul. I looked away, a little intimidated that just eye contact with her had the power to move me so. I exhaled for a long moment. Here it was.

"I saw Ashley". There. It was out. Part of me longed to see her immediate reaction, but fear kept my eyes on my twiddling fingers. We sat in silence for a few moments, as still as the park around us. Not even the faintest breeze whistled through the leaves. It was almost as if time had stopped.

I didn't realize how cold I was until suddenly, my hand was in hers. Her warmth radiated through me, defrosting me as if I hadn't been warm for a while. I let a cool breath into my lungs, and I allowed my shoulders to drop a little. Well, at least she knew now.

"Did anything happen?" She whispered so quietly I could barely hear her. In my peripheral vision I could see that she wasn't looking at me, but somewhere off in the distance. I abruptly turned to face her, studying what I could see of her profile. Her lower lip was between her teeth, and the corners of her eyes drooped, lacking the smiley crinkle that normally showed.

"You mean…me and her…?" I trailed off. She nodded slowly, and I saw her swallow. "No, no, nothing happened. She tried to talk to me, and it just shook me up a bit" Okay, so I wasn't lying. I just wasn't telling her everything. She turned to face me so quickly that when she stopped our noses nearly touched.

"You mean, you didn't… do anything with her?" She asked, sounding baffled. I shook my head, suddenly aware of how close she was to me. The vanilla scent of her shampoo wafted its way into my nose, and my nerve endings began to tingle.

It was at that moment, that I saw the flicker. That little hint of a smile, pulling at the corners of her lips. The little twinkle that ignited in her big eyes, which blackened simultaneously with the sky.

"I just…. I know how much she meant to you. I expected… I thought, when you said it was Ashley… I just…"

"You thought I would cheat on you?" I said, almost a little hurt that she thought I could do that to her. Had I ever given her a reason not to trust me? Well, aside from me not telling her the entire story. But she didn't know about that.

"I'm sorry, Spence… It's not that… I trust you, it's just… well I haven't been entirely honest with you" Oh god. What was this? I could feel myself staring at her. "My last girlfriend, Courtney… you know I don't like to talk about her. Well, we didn't just 'break up', like I told you we did. We went out for 2 years, and I found out that she'd been cheating on me all along. She was sleeping with some chick named Carmen. I walked in on them when I went to her house to surprise her on her birthday" Her eyes were focused so intently on my own that I couldn't look away if I wanted to. The dark pools in her eyes now glistened underneath what looked like a glassy wall of tears that had been cried too many times over. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm used to being cheated on. I never thought after 2 years that Carmen would cheat on me, but she did. You've never done anything to make me think you would, but once your heart breaks, you become a little more wary of anyone who get remotely close enough to touch it" My own heart thumped with discomfort. Unlike the normal pain it experienced, though, this pain was duller. It was one out of sympathy. I knew what it felt like to be taken by surprise, to have your heart ripped open and stomped on.

"Avery… why didn't you tell me?" I whispered, my eyes still unmoving under the spell of her own. She exhaled and closed her eyes. Her hand, which I noted was still in mine, squeezed just a little tighter.

"I didn't want you to treat me any differently than anyone else. Plus, you had just lost your brother, and your first love. There wasn't room for two broken hearts" At this, tears welled in my own eyes. A wave of emotion flooded my brain; a deluge of feeling drowned everything else. She ignored the gaping hole in her chest. She took me under a broken wing. She _pretended_ to be okay for me, when I clearly couldn't do that for her. I finally looked away from her as the tears cascaded down my reddening cheeks. Instantly her free hand drew in upon my cheekbone, turning me back to face her. Her eyes caught mine again, this time both of us allowing our tears to fall. "Hey" she said, a smile creeping back onto her face. "Don't you cry, you haven't done anything wrong." Her index finger played gently along my jaw-line, tickling my nerves into a frenzy. We had been sitting there for quite a many moments, just exploring each other's faces when she finally spoke again, "And whether you know it or not, you healed me, too". The moment her lips stopped moving, mine were on hers in one swift and passionate motion. One of my hands caressed the back of her head while holding her in an embrace. I took her lower lip between mine and held it there for a few moments. When we broke apart, I leaned into her and she reclined onto the bench. Laying partially alongside her, I allowed my head to rest on her chest.

Her heartbeat became the soundtrack of my night. It pulsed rhythmically, vigorously pumping blood through her veins. For once, my mind was blank and stayed blank. Her heart was the only sound, the only outside force that invigorated my senses. Her wonderful smell cradled me. I lost myself in this brief moment of bliss, comfortably drifting in and out of consciousness.

My phone buzzed violently against my hip, startling me out of the most peaceful sleep I'd known in days. Part of me was tempted to just smash my phone into a rock for having disturbed us, but I knew I'd regret that later. I sat up as quietly as I could, gingerly peeling away my arm that dangled over Avery's waist, so as not to wake her. I wrestled my phone out of my pocket, prepared to make a mental note of the caller ID so that I could add them to my hit list.

'Kyla'. Kyla! My heart leapt for a moment, but my mind quickly reprimanded it. How could I possibly allow Ashley to permeate my mind tonight? After all of this? I angrily shut my phone and prepared to shove it back into my pocket, but I suddenly caught the time on it. 9:37 PM. Crap. I had to get home.

I turned to Avery, and before doing anything, I listened to the sound of her breathing for a few moments. It floated gracefully in and out of her lungs so softly, as if a gentle whisper. I moved my face closer to hers and I kissed her while also brushing a stray auburn lock from her face. She stirred and I knew she was conscious because her breathing had changed, but she didn't open her eyes. I pulled my lingering lips from hers and smiled.

"Avery," I breathed, just an inch from her face. I felt my own breath reflect at me. She smiled, tickled by my air. "We've gotta go." I resented the fact that this night had to end. I felt so comfortable in her caress, so meant to be. I laughed internally, reflecting on how the night began. How could I have been so nervous just hours ago?

Avery finally opened her doe eyes, groaning loudly to announce her dissatisfaction with awakening.

"Jesus, Spencer, I was so comfortable" She said, unable to keep herself from smiling as she stared back up at me. Her face was illuminated with the moonlight that peeked through the trees. Her eyes sparkled with the intensity of the stars above us. "Alright, alright" She mumbled, sitting up just when I'd begun to second-guess our need to leave. We rose together anyway, and ambled slowly down the concrete path towards the parking lot. Her hand wound in mine, we walked in a perfect silence until we reached our cars. Hers came first. Prior to opening the door, she turned back to face me – stunning me one more time with those eyes.

"I had a really great time tonight, Spencer" She said quietly, the corners of her lips not even trying to stifle the smile that broke out across them.

"Me too" I replied lamely, feeling as if those two words weren't nearly sufficient for what I felt tonight.

"I also want you to know" she took a deep breath. "You can talk to her if you need to. Ashley, I mean. If it will help you, I want you to do it."

The mention of Ashley's name burned my eardrums. I made a mental motion to dismiss that she had said anything. Ashley would _not_ ruin the end of this night for me.

Before I had a chance to say anything else, she leaned in and kissed me. When she began to pull away I nearly grabbed her and pulled her back, but I restrained myself.

"goodnight," she breathed into my face, enflaming my nerves once more.

"night," I replied, truly stymied in her warm presence. She climbed into her car and drove away slowly, leaving me with only the moon and the distant sound of crickets.

I would say that the high lasted for about an hour. By the time quarter of eleven had rolled around, it was as if I had sobered up from my sweet intoxication. While I reflected on tonight with the fondest of sentiments, new nerves accompanied them. Ashley stole back into the recesses of my mind, as she always did, and tormented me, finding a way to twist even the loveliest of memories into new fears.

The new knowledge of Avery's real past haunted me. The sympathy pain still seared in my chest, but now an anxiety dominated my lungs, causing my breath to become shallower and faster.

What if I _had_ cheated on her? What would have happened? The thought of hurting her that way caused my head to reel. The idea that anyone could hurt such a beautiful person disturbed me, let alone if it was me that did the hurting. What if I had done to her what Carmen did to her? What Ashley did to me? My mind commanded my breath to slow – any faster and I would be hyperventilating.

I had looked at my missed call from Kyla about 7 times in the last half hour. Even though I'd seen it, I kept hoping that maybe it would just go away and leave me without the temptation of hitting the send button.

Avery deserved my whole mind and my whole heart. She couldn't have them if she had to share with Ashley. I wanted Avery. She had done so much for me, I owed it to her.

This rationale didn't stop the phone from staring at me from my desk. I deliberated on my next move, paralyzed in my own indecision. Inert.


	8. One Phone Call

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Alright everyone, Chapter 8! Sorry it took me so long, my life is a little insane right now, and is going to be for the next week, so I can't promise too much. I'll try to get in either one more big chapter in the next week or two small ones. Again I can't PROMISE. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, I think I feel pretty okay about it. I know its dramatic haha. Please don't comment saying how this was so predictable – I know it was. I set it up to be that way. Anyhow, thanks everyone for your feedback, and keep it coming!

Chapter 8 – One Phone Call

Ring. Silence. Ring.

Each silence that existed between rings seemed increasingly long, allowing more and more time for me to regret pressing the send button. I could just hit end now. I didn't have to do this.

_Yes you do, _My little voice told me. I secretly regarded its truth, but my stomach was suspended as if by a thread. A few more rings and still no answer. Maybe she wasn't going to pick up. Maybe that was a sign that I shouldn't talk to her about this.

"Hello?" The thread my stomach dangled from split. I swear it fell out my butt. "Spencer? You there?" She asked, after a few moments of silence.

"Yep, hey Kyla" I answered finally, my voice trembling slightly. I hoped that she didn't notice.

"Spencer Carlin! Oh God, you have no idea what a relief it is to hear from you! After all that went down with Ash, I " -

"Kyla, can you" - I attempted to interject. Fail.

"- Thought you would never take her back! Oh Spencer, this is the greatest thing. I mean, she doesn't deserve you… at all really, after what she did, but it's still so amazing, Spencer! You're every bit as perfect as she always said you were –"

"Kyla, I really need to explain" -

"And God does she need you. I'm just beside myself with happiness for you two."

"KYLA!" I yelled into the phone, growing a little annoyed. "We're not back together." I said tersely. I regretted the harshness of my tone a bit. She was silent on the other end for a moment.

"Oh. Well… are you at least friends?" She asked, sounding a little deflated.

"No. I'm sorry to disappoint you, Kyla" I spat, a little unsure as to why I was speaking to her this way.

"Well then, why is it that you've called me?" She asked, sounding a little more irritable now.

"Is this a bad time? I can call later –" I said quickly, my fears flaring up in my chest once more. The little voice in my mind pleaded that I just get this over with, but it was drowned out by the noise of my anxiety.

"No, I've been meaning to call you anyway, and I saw that you called me. What's going on?" She asked. Okay, here goes.

"Well, it is about Ashley" –

"Surprise, surprise" She interrupted. I could imagine that she must be smiling smugly.

"Well, for the last so many months, I dropped all contact with her, as you probably know. For the reasons you also already know" I said, hoping that she wouldn't inquire further. I didn't know if I could make it through describing what she did to me tearlessly. After all it wasn't as if she didn't know. To my luck, she didn't ask to hear it again.

"I know", she said after a moment of silence. I could hear the smile fade from her face. Her tone was an understanding one, sympathetic. She wasn't going to press me.

"Well I knew it was only a matter of time before I ran into her again. I just…" I paused, stifling the painful memories. "I didn't expect it to hurt so much"

"She told me what happened, Spencer. As if it wasn't enough that you saw her, you had to see her with" –

"Please don't remind me" I pleaded.

"Sorry. Well, I didn't really expect you to take her back I guess, especially after that, but when I saw you called… I guess I just let my mind go nuts. I'm sorry." She said quietly.

"It's fine. Well, I just don't know what to do about her. I don't know if I can ever forgive her" I blurted, holding back the tears that I knew would surface in my voice if I allowed them out of my eyes.

"Well, it sounds like you've got your mind made up. I think that's reasonable. I told you, she doesn't deserve you"

"That's not even the problem." The words flowed from my mouth like unstoppable vomit. I realized suddenly that I hadn't spoken of these feelings to anyone yet. At this thought my forehead blazed. She waited in silence for me to continue. "I still love her" I said finally – so quietly that I wasn't certain the receiver picked it up. She was noiseless for a few moments, and then I heard her exhale slowly.

"Well Spencer, it sounds like you have some thinking to do. On the bright side, if you decide to get back with her, she's there. And I think she means it, Spence. I've never seen her so set on anything or anyone." I longed for her to shut up more and more with every word. This did not make things easier. She didn't know the whole story yet. It was welling up in my chest, growing like a balloon, "She really loves you" – the balloon exploded. I had to interrupt, I couldn't listen to her say this.

"I have a girlfriend, Kyla." I almost yelled. The tears had made their escape, leaving their trails across my reddening cheeks.

The silence that followed was among the worst I'd ever experienced. Sure, I had told Aiden this, but I hadn't cared what he thought. I walked out before seeing his reaction. Here I sat, waiting for an answer from Kyla, a person, though I didn't talk to her much, whose opinion I cared about. She was a friend. My ears rang, begging for the littlest sound to alleviate the weight of this stifling stillness. Still nothing. "She was there when Ashley wasn't. I was so alone, Kyla. I didn't know what to do. We've been together for more than 6 months. She's amazing. She's all I could ever ask for" I elaborated, hoping this would draw something from her. It did, but it wasn't what I hoped for. In fact, it was the only thing she could have said to make my heart writhe in agony.

"Do you love her?" Each of the words was pronounced so clearly. Enunciated in such perfection that Webster would have been proud. At the registration of these words, my mind shut down for a moment, baffled at where to go from here. This was the question I'd successfully suppressed for days. I couldn't feel my heart beating. For a moment I thought I might be dying. For a split second, the prospect made me happy.

Somewhere in my swirling abyss of a skull, it occurred to me that Kyla was still waiting. _Process_, The small voice commanded. _Please do something. Say something. Anything._

"I… I… It's not that easy to explain" –

"Oh really, it is" Kyla interjected. "It's a yes or no question. You love her, or you don't." I resented her for restricting me so. It was _not_ that easy.

"Kyla, I really can't answer that right now. There is too much going on in my head" –

"Spencer, just answer the goddamn question!"

"Please" I begged. The tears were finally evident in my voice. My throat trembled, shaking more violently than my vocal chords let on, but it was still apparent that I was crying. "Please" I reiterated once more, in a sob heavy whisper. I could hear and was ashamed by the desperation in my voice.

"Okay." Kyla finally conceded, after a few moments of soundlessness.

"This is not even the reason I called you", I sighed, pulling my face from the phone so that I could really let it out. My sobs caught in my chest and my eyes were pressed shut. My face contorted with the ugliness of crying. I allowed myself a few seconds, then pulled it back together. Kyla was waiting patiently. I would have to thank her later for this. "I want to know what's happened to Ashley during these months" I said, surprising myself a little with my effective attempt to keep the quaking from my voice. She exhaled slowly. Very slowly. She was lingering.

"I don't know about this, Spencer…" She said, pausing for another breath. "I knew you were going to ask me. I'm not sure if I should be the one to tell you. It should really be Ashley, it's not really my place" –

"Kyla I am begging you." I pleaded, with a new intensity to my voice. It was growing stronger. "I need this information to decide my next step." I said finally, hoping it would persuade her. She was quiet for another many seconds. I took this as a good sign. At least she was thinking.

"Okay." I know she said it, but I barely heard it over the quick rejoice in my mind. "God, where do I even begin?" My every piece of attention clung to her voice. "I guess I'll start with Prom night. You were there, you know what happened." I said a silent thank you that she spared my grieving heart the details. "She is also fickle and crazy scared of commitment, so you caught her in a bad moment of indecision between you and Aiden. I, personally, don't think she would _ever_ have chosen him. You had every right to be pissed though. I was on your side too, though it certainly didn't help that it was _my _boyfriend that she was considering… but regardless. When everything went down, she was just shell-shocked. You also know that she doesn't deal well with death" I couldn't bite my tongue.

"That is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard." I blurted, regretting it as soon as it was out. "I'm sorry. It's just… Well, I've heard that excuse so many times. It just wasn't about her. It shouldn't have mattered whether _she_ dealt well with death. It was about me, and what I needed. She couldn't see past herself to see that." I couldn't tell you what a relief it was to finally articulate that.

"I know." Kyla continued. "I agree with you. Please don't take this as me standing up for her. What she did to you was so wrong, and I wouldn't think badly of you if you never spoke to her again." I nodded, but realizing that she couldn't see me, I thanked her, then asked her to continue. "Well, she took off. She realized that she was waist deep in commitment, and that terrified her. She ran away like she always did. Unlike any past girlfriends or boyfriends though, she couldn't get away from you. You stayed with her in her every thought and dream. When she came back, she tried to get in touch with you, but you wanted nothing to do with her, for which I also don't blame you. And I told her that. Anyway, when she couldn't get you back, it scared her that you were always on her mind while she couldn't have you. She was unfamiliar with that pain. You were to first and only to break the previously invincible heart of Ashley Davies." At this my breath caught. _I _broke the heart of _Ashley Davies_. She _did_ let down her walls for me. I just never knew. I was the only one she ever let close enough. "She wanted nothing more than to forget you. You had so much power over her and you weren't even around. She felt like she was suffocating. She set out with the intention of finding a new girlfriend, but none of them ever stuck. She reverted back to her old ways of one-night stands. Each one left her a little more hollowed, a little less whole. Christine started freaking out like she used to when Ashley would start bringing random girls home. Ashley didn't even fight back, though. She would just sit there and stare. I think she unintentionally found that to be a weapon, though, because it seemed to bother Christine more than the arguments ever had. Anyhow, there was only a shell of the old Ashley, after a while. Eventually she stopped trying with the other girls altogether. They never compared to you, and each one reminded her of what she didn't have. What she threw away. I think that's when she hit rock bottom. It occurred to her that you were gone by her own very doing. She disposed of you. It took her long enough to realize it, but she did. I think it killed her that she did this to herself, and though she didn't tell me this herself, I think it killed her that she could hurt you. The way she talks about you – I swear you are painted as the most beautiful and pure creature to walk this planet. I think the very notion that she could have caused you to suffer hurt her even more. She stopped talking to me, she stopped talking to Aiden, to anyone. She…" She paused momentarily, taking a shaky breath. "She engaged in some very self destructive behavior that I still don't want to talk about." I heard her voice quiver. This had obviously hurt Kyla, too. "You know that saying, 'we only accept the love we think we deserve?' well I think that's exactly what happened. I think that she just felt so guilty that she didn't feel she deserved anyone's company. She became so alone all the time. I think there came a point when she was more dead than alive."

The words flowed through my mind, but my expression was blank. The information I took in made me shudder internally. Tears brimmed at my eyelids. I couldn't even picture the Ashley she described. It was so unreal to me. The always confident, invulnerable Ashley. That fire that always burned in her eyes, the heat and excitement that had always radiated from her: gone. Everything I loved about her: dead.

I was so consumed with my thoughts that I barely noticed Kyla's breath becoming jagged on the other end. Quick sobs replaced the calm intake of breath that had existed just minutes ago. There was a little sniffle, and then she spoke.

"One week, she wouldn't leave her room or talk to anyone" Kyla's voice wobbled, her words becoming a little less coherent. "I knew that she was drinking. I should have stopped her, I just… I didn't know what to do." Sniff. "If I had just been a better sister. I should have been there, stayed home from school with her and made her talk to me. I guess I just didn't think that… I just didn't" –

"There was nothing you could do, Kyla" I said quietly, suddenly aware to the tears which had returned to my own voice.

"Spencer… She… She chased a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka" At this she became incoherent, her words fading into tearful whimpers. As Kyla cried on her end, I sat on mine, my eyes filled to the brim with tears, but my face struck in a position of disbelief. My gaping mouth was covered by my hand so that an onlooker would not have seen my violently quivering lower lip. Kyla's snivels became increasingly distant as the roaring silence of my head drowned her out. Through the forefront of my mind flickered many images of Ashley's face, all soundless. Images of her laughing, pouting, crying, singing, everything.

That girl almost left the world. That beautiful girl, who danced through my mind relentlessly, her brown curls bouncing with her step. The one whose face became the focus of my every dream: day and night. The one who haunted me. The one who had made me happier than I'd ever been. She almost left us. The one whose touch used to send me into a frenzy. Whose very voice would send the most euphoric of chills up my spine. The one whose whisper tickled my ear, whose kiss took me away from reality. Whose embrace made me feel invincible, whose very existence made my heart somersault through my chest.

Allowing into my mind the very notion of a world without Ashley was like ripping out my heart, slathering it with honey, and throwing it at a beehive. My chest tightened and convulsed for a moment – my lungs forcing painful shallow breaths through my arid throat. A world without Ashley. That was like an atom with no nucleus. An apple with no core. A circle with no center. In one moment of reflection, I realized that I had never known such a quick and startling agony as the one that currently stared me in the face. It was as if all of the oxygen had been brutally vacuumed from my lungs and replaced with peroxide. The ache that coursed through my entire body was so great that all I could do now was sit in awe of it, impressed by its power. By the power Ashley had over me.

Suddenly a ray of light broke through my wall of darkness. A golden strip of light glittered in the surrounding pitch black of my mind. She was still here.

With this epiphany, sound began to float back through my ears, and I could hear Kyla regaining control of her quick breath. About another minute passed before anything punctured the blanket of silence that both caressed and suffocated us.

"I was the one who found her. After she went and got her stomach pumped, Christine sent her to a new therapist every week, convinced that each one was incompetent when Ashley's state wouldn't change. What she didn't get though, was Ashley didn't want to get better. When she came home everyday she'd just go up to her room and lay on her bed." Kyla took a few slow breaths.

"How did she get better?" I asked, desperate to hear of her restoration. The idea of this half dead anti-Ashley haunted me more with each moment I allowed her to linger here. Kyla let out a soft laugh.

"Good, your still there. I was beginning to think I was talking to myself." I smiled, truly grateful that Kyla was expending the energy to tell me all of this. "Well, one day it suddenly hit me, how I'd get through to her. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. I went upstairs to her room one day and sat on her bed. She wouldn't look at me or speak to me, but I knew she was listening. I sat there for a long time, and then I asked her what _you_ would think about this. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she looked at me. It was like your name was a trigger. When she looked at me, her eyes didn't quite look dead. It was the first time I really ever saw a flicker of hope that she could make a comeback." I felt the breaths in my lungs come a little easier now. "Ever since then she has been gradually improving. I think that she remembered what you taught her – that she _can_ live with her baggage. She just needed a reality check that would get through to her. It's been about 3 months since then, and she's doing really really well, almost back to herself. I think she's trying to do right by you, to be honest. Well, except for one thing. She started hooking up with _Aiden _last month, and that really threw me off. It just didn't really make sense – she's always been about you. I still haven't really talked to her about it, but I think it was because she felt bad for him. During all of the time she was sick, she treated him horribly and he stood by her. I guess she felt like she owed something to him. I don't think she knew of any other way to repay him. Again, I might not be correct, but that's just my guess. I know that she felt guilty. As soon as you waltzed back into her life though, she dropped him like a hot potato. You were always the real deal." One thought pushed at the membrane of my mind, poking and scratching until it could be released. I was afraid to hear it come out, but it was necessary, I suppose.

"I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. If I'd just" –

"Stop right there." Kyla interrupted me sternly. "You are _not_ allowed to blame yourself for ANY of this. Ashley brought all of this on herself. She destroyed you when she left you and you don't owe her a thing. Even though she's my sister, and I will always love her, I can admit that she completely did this to herself. It wasn't you at all. This started long before you or I even came into her life. Ashley has been self-destructive since day one. You were like a linchpin holding her together, to be honest. I should be thanking you. When she realized that not only did she lose you by her doing, but she also hurt you, that killed her. With you not being there in addition to that, all of her baggage caught up with her. This type of stunt has been a long time coming. Frankly, you were like the glue that held her binding together. Hell, your name brought her back from what was practically the dead. Thank _YOU_, Spencer. You saved her."

I could feel my cheeks reddening as the blood pooled beneath the surface. I blinked and the final tears escaped. They streaked down my face once more, but this time over a light smile. Could it be possible, what Kyla was saying? I saved her?

The rest of the conversation followed smoothly, Kyla suggesting that I talk to her a bit and see where anything goes. Part of me still froze in reluctance at this suggestion, but for the first time, another part of me surged onward. In addition to the fact that both Kyla and Avery suggested it, I think I knew it was inevitable.

Kyla and I said our goodbyes, and I thanked her profusely for all that she'd done for me tonight. She had moved me from anxious, to devastated, to somewhat… happy. The emotion overwhelmed me, and I knew it wasn't the last I was going to see of any of those emotions. Reality hadn't quite set in yet, and I was sure that I'd experience a little more of what I did today when it finally hit. For now though, I was content. There was also the enormous relief, the thickening of my windpipes so breathing came easily now. I was filled in. I understood. Knowing the story, I could now proceed forward.

After undressing, I curled up in my bed, pulling my down blanket above my bare shoulders to block out the chill. I rested my head against the soft pillow and took a deep breath.

Oh! One more thing I had to do! I reached underneath my pillow and pulled out my phone which I had just plugged in to charge. The clock read 2:05 AM, but I didn't care. I flipped it open and began typing furiously.

'Meet me in the cafeteria tomorrow morning at 8?' It didn't take long to scroll through my contacts to get to Ashley. I was going to see her tomorrow. I was going to talk to her tomorrow. My tired stomach erupted in a shallow storm of butterflies. My anxiety still existed, but it was no longer alone. By its side, hand in hand, was determination.

I set my phone back down under my pillow, and no sooner than it was out of my sight, it buzzed violently.

'See you at 8 ' the text read.

I was going to see Ashley. I still couldn't get used to the fact that this notion was met with emotion besides terror and trepidation. I was going to get to see her and not feel guilty. Avery told me I should. I was going to be able to really talk to her. For the first time since the prom night. Even the mental mention of that horrid night couldn't put a dent in my euphoric spirits. My energy dwindled quietly as my mind soared. Her amber brown eyes were going to be on my blue ones. I would be able to look at those perfect brown curls without feeling that pang of guilt. I was going to be able to admire those cheekbones, that perfect skin, her perfect lips. My consciousness quickly faded, but her face did not. Like it always did, it clung to the spotlight in my mind like an actor on a stage, but tonight I willingly went to see the show.


	9. Calm Before the Storm

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Alright people, Chapter 9. I'm so so sorry it took so long, but you wouldn't believe my life lately. I was on a technology-less retreat almost all of last week, and thanksgiving and other occasions have been taking over my time. I'm gonna try and have the next one up within the next two days, cause now I'm off on thanksgiving break . Anyway, I'm terribly sorry for any mistakes or things that don't seem to make sense in here – I was literally high when I wrote part of it, so hopefully it's okay. I did a quick proofread and it seems coherent, at least. I'll go back over and edit later. Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, but we'll see. Let me know what you guys think! Your feedback means so much to me – its very encouraging.

Chapter 9 – Calm Before the Storm

It was 8:02 and still no sign of her. I'm trying my hardest to look chill, but it's awfully hard when your heart is banging your ribs to pieces, anticipating the center of your _life_ actually coming into your midst. My eyes were fixated intensely on the door, repeatedly going through a cycle of hearing someone coming, then having my hopes fall when it wasn't her. _Breathe_, I command myself. _Its been two minutes. That's not very late._ I tried to calm myself, but there were too many emotions attempting to control me. It was like having 10 dominating personalities in one small, windowless room. Anxiety. Excitement. Fear. Anger. Happiness. Sadness. Betrayal. Nervousness. Desperation. They all screamed at me at the top of their lungs, each moment bringing me closer to some undecided dramatic gesture that I was sure I'd regret later.

I stared down at my twiddling thumbs, wondering what I would do… what I would say when she got here. Would I just say hi and initiate conversation like she hadn't abandoned me those months ago? I wasn't sure I could ignore the gaping black hole she had punched through my chest. Where do I even go from here? Do I tell her that she can't be in my life anymore? My mind quibbled violently with questions, just adding to the symphony of noise blaring discordantly in this cranium of mine.

8:07. Still no Ashley. My heart rate quickened with each passing minute. I could feel my forehead pulsating, beads of sweat clinging to my forehead. I demanded myself to calm down once more. I couldn't bear it if Ashley came down here and saw me in this state.

I looked around at the other kids to try and ease my mind. Different cliques sat at different tables, eating their breakfast over gossip. I overheard them discussing plans for tomorrow night. Thank God tomorrow was Friday. Was this the week from hell or what?

My phone suddenly buzzed in my pocket, shaking me from the only non-Ashley thought I'd had all morning, and bringing me to the first Avery thought of the morning.

'Hey Spence, where are you?' the text read. Do I tell her? I mean she told me I could talk to her.

'Running a little late this morning. See you at lunch' I replied, typing hastily. I lied. Why? Because I didn't want Avery to ask me about it until after I had everything sorted out. If I didn't have a game plan after this meeting, I didn't want her to interrogate me based on an unmade plan. That was somewhat fair… right?

8:11. Where was she? We only had 19 minutes until the start of classes. In hindsight I should have scheduled this at a different time, given us more than just a half hour. There was no way we could discuss all that we needed to in a half hour. Well, unless I just told her I couldn't communicate with her anymore –

And my thoughts were stolen from their rapidly changing focuses so quickly that I think my brain got whiplash. Shuffling into the cafeteria was the girl I'd been waiting for. The center of my world. Her feet patted the floor in quick intervals, the laces of her sneakers tapping the floor and echoing in my suddenly supersonic ears. Her jeans clung flatteringly to her perfect legs. Hugging her upper half was a tight midriff shirt with a vest hanging over her shoulders. One look at her abs caused my breath to catch, but that was nothing compared to what happened when I looked at her face. If that was my breath catching, this time my breath freaking died. It had a heart attack and keeled over. Her amber brown eyes peered out at me from darkened eye makeup. The morning light caught them as she walked toward me, causing them to seem deeper and even more enticing. Her lips were pressed into a line, and her eyebrows were furrowed slightly in what looked like a flustered expression.

"Spencer, I'm so sorry I'm late," she panted, "I…uh… didn't get much sleep last night, so when I finally passed out I totally overslept" It took me a few seconds to register what she had said, I was so flustered by just her presence near me… welcome, for the first time in so long. How was she so cool about all of this? My eyes clung to hers in a distant stare that I couldn't shake. I didn't think I could breathe, let alone speak.

"Its fine." Somehow the words formed. They were dead, though, toneless and seemingly uncaring. I internally laughed at how directly opposite that was to what I actually felt. She didn't look at me as I said this, but began wrestling something out of her bag. My eyes flicked between the concentrated look on her face and her bag. What was she getting out? From between two binders I could see her fingers gripping and pulling at a piece of paper. Back to her face – her eyebrows were furrowed in a way that made my heart skip a beat. I had forgotten how beautiful she was – how the little facial expressions sent me reeling. It suddenly occurred to me that a silence had entered between us unnoticed. Upon realizing, I found it to be thick – suffocating. What do I say? Was she bothered by it as much as I was? The silence was broken with a little ripping sound.

"Shit." She muttered quickly, under her breath. No sooner, the source of the ripping sound was before her on our table: the piece of paper. From what I could see, there existed many scribbles and erasing splotches – obviously something that had been written and edited many times over. "Um, okay, so where should I start?" She asked in a way that I could only assume was rhetoric. She didn't expect an answer, did she? "Good God, what was the point of even doing this if I can't decide what to say?" She exclaimed, frustrated. She yanked at the edges of the crinkled paper and slammed it back down onto the table. "Okay, I" – she stopped abruptly. Her eyes lifted and truly met mine for the first time all morning. They locked together forcefully, binding my body and mind to their current states until something happened to break this paralysis. I was frozen in her gaze, and I think she was in mine – her mouth hung open as if poised to say something, but words weren't arriving. Her amber brown eyes bore unblinking into my own blue ones, searching them for some familiarity, probably provoking in her the bittersweet mental chain of memories that had haunted me for all of these months. "I, uh…" She stammered, trying and failing to collect herself. "I don't know where to start." She whispered, her eyes still holding fast to mine with an eerie intensity. I could feel myself gaping, staring blankly, but frankly, I wasn't sure I could muster the strength for much else. "I'm so sorry, Spencer" She whispered so quietly; I had to strain to hear it. At this my eyes dropped to the table surface. I don't know what it was about hearing her apologize… hearing it from her own velvety voice, but something inside of me shut down. My hands shook slightly, my palms facing up with the backs against the cold table top, which had seemingly just become colder.

A new silence fell between us, but this time it was one of discomfort. I didn't want to look at her.

"How could you have done that to me, Ash?" There it was. I said it lowly, my voice breaking a little. I finally raised my glance again, reuniting with her tantalizing eyes that were now glazed with tears. She was shaking her head back and forth, her lower lip quivering. She looked as if she was fending off sobs. Her hands flew up into her hair, her elbows on the table and it looked as if she wanted to press her head in.

"I don't know, Spence," she whimpered in a whisper, her eyes still intent on my own. "I wish I had a real answer for you, but I don't. Nothing can justify what I did." I thanked God that she didn't whip out the old 'I don't do death well'. I think that I may have just gotten up and walked away. Alas, she did not. She took a few breaths and wiped her face without averting her gaze. Her mouth opened and paused for a moment before speaking, "I'm actually surprised that you're here."

"So am I." I replied after a few seconds of silence. Though I was sure she knew that already, I couldn't help but notice slight recoil, as if hearing it somehow stung her. The pained look on her face caused a welling anxiety in my chest. The desperation in her glossy eyes inexplicably hurt me. I know it shouldn't have – for I had been hurt much worse in this situation - but it did nonetheless. "But here I am" I said quickly, smiling nervously. It was so subtle, but I saw her face light up. Seeing the corners of her lips turn up allowed me to breathe again. For the first time in seemingly an eternity, her eyes came off of mine, as she wiped them dry.

"Here you are." She smiled, wiping the last tear trail from her blushing cheek. My God she was beautiful. In the long silence that followed, the only activity taking place was in our eyes. I searched hers – what was she feeling? Swimming in those brown orbs I could see a mixture of things: happiness, longing, gratitude, sadness, hope. It was only what was behind it all that scared me. Her eyes were slightly distant, slightly empty. It was in that moment that Kyla's story became true for me – I could see it right before my eyes. The emptiness was still there, and it devastated me. This silence had just gone from comfortable to frigid. I had to say something; Take my mind off of this broken girl before me.

"And so are you, as you said you would be" I smiled, reflecting on her promise not to go anywhere, and remembering the unwelcome circumstance in which it transpired. "What is this?" I asked, simultaneously snatching the crinkled paper from beneath her palm.

"Oh, it's nothing, don't," – but it was too late. My eyes were already roving over the weathered page, my curiosity piqued. There existed a myriad of scribbles, some areas poorly erased and still showing an apparition of the words that were once written. Much of the writing was obviously done in haste and illegible to me, but some parts were okay.

'Say sorry first' it said on one line. The next couple were unreadable. 'bash yourself and tell her how you don't deserve her' was the next coherent statement. 'apologize for the way you approached her on Monday – and about Aiden' I cringed upon reading the foul name. Some notes were scribbled and crossed out below that. 'tell her again how sorry you are, and then say what you mean to her. DON'T bring out the L word. It's good enough that she's even listening. Don't scare her off.' I suppressed a smile. The L word was still as real to me as it was to her. If she only knew. 'try to use big words' was the final note that I could read. I laughed internally at that part. I wished so much that I could read the rest, but I wasn't sure that those words were salvageable.

I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks, the smile creeping onto my lips. She had really thought about this. It was so… cute? I looked up and found that her face burned scarlet as a tomato. I quickly handed her paper back to her and wiped the smile off my face. Her head fell and she placed her fists against her temples.

"Don't be embarrassed," I said quietly. "It's sweet." Once more, that defeated smile crept onto her face, and I felt my heart flutter once more.

"Well, even though you've seen it, I'd still like to say it all." She insisted. I wasn't going to stop her.

"Well go ahead, then" I said, smiling. Why was I smiling? I shouldn't be smiling – this was the girl who punched a hole through my chest, remember?

I tried to remind myself of the reasons why I shouldn't be even the littlest bit happy, but those thoughts were gently plucked from my brain as I allowed her scent to penetrate my mind. Her very presence was intoxicating – how I ever got anything done around her, I'll never know. It was as if all of my grievances with her were numbed while she was around me. The back of my mind noted that this probably wasn't healthy, but the happy and frenzied side of my mind ignored the irritating side comments.

"Well," pulling me from my trance, she spoke - looking down at her newly returned tattered paper. "I guess I'll start with why I don't deserve to even talk to you." I could practically know what she was about to say. The weird part was, I wanted to hear it from her, and even though I was going to agree with all of her points, I knew I would still want to be here, sitting in her enthralling wake.

Her eyes seemed to search my face for a moment, as if expecting an answer, maybe permission to omit all of that. Unfortunately for her, I wanted to hear every word. When she received nothing, she continued, "Well, I guess we'll begin with that night." I knew exactly to which she referred. "I hope you know that I never would have chosen him. I was just… confused. And… and just taken off guard. I wish you weren't there to see that moment of deliberation, because if allowed just a second to digest, I would have picked you faster than the blink of an eye. You have no idea how much I wish you knew" – I had to interrupt her.

"Ashley," the smile had faded from my face. "You don't get it at all. I mean, you only get part of it. That's not even what hurt me the most." I said, feeling anger creep up on me. I felt the progress in my mood slipping away. She leered at me from beneath furrowed eyebrows then spoke up.

"I know it's not. Let me finish." She snapped almost angrily. She looked remorseful as quickly as she had piped up. "I'm sorry, it's just that I've been waiting to say this to you for so long. I know that's not all. Its not nearly the worst of it. Its just where I'm starting." My nerves had been temporarily quelled. Man, I was exhibiting the mood swings of a girl with bipolar disorder. My army of emotion was on standby, now, ready to attack at the drop of a hat. I nodded, urging her to continue. "Anyway, I would have picked you without a second thought. When the shooting" – she saw me wince at the word. "When _it_ happened, something snapped in me. All of the drama… it just… got to me. I fled. I was selfish, I was cruel, I was uncaring, and all I did was think about me, and how I was scared. I was scared for Aiden and for Clay, and then once I heard what happened to Clay, I was scared for you. I didn't know how to comfort you, and I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know then that all I needed to be was a shoulder to cry on, a friend. The answer at the time was plane tickets, and to this day I don't know why. It was an awful idea, and all I did the entire time was cry over you. When I came home from that dismal mistake, you wouldn't talk to me, and I completely understood. That didn't make it any easier, though." I saw a flicker of fear in her eyes, probably remembering the way she crumbled. She didn't even know that I knew that side of the story. "I was okay, though," she continued, lying. "After that I just didn't know how to get you to _look_ at me again, let alone talk to me. The worst part was, I knew I didn't deserve it, but I wanted you so badly regardless. And the more I wanted you back, the more sickened I got with myself. I uh…" She swallowed "I had yet another temporary lapse in judgment, when I thought that I was doing you justice by leaving you alone. I got together with Aiden for a little while" – she could see the trace of disgust on my face, despite my attempt to stifle it. "It was just a mistake. It wasn't fair to you, or even to him. It was never going to go anywhere, but I was just so tired of being alone. I also wanted to apologize for that, because the way we encountered on Monday makes my stomach lurch with guilt. You should never have seen that… Hell, that just should never have happened, and I never expect you to forgive me. The instant I saw you though, it was like something switched back on in me that had been dead for a long time. I rationally looked at the somewhat relationship that I was in, and therefore called it off." She paused, breathing. Her eyes roved over my face, searching for some kind of answer or response. I tried my hardest to prevent any emotion from crawling onto my face, but I think I tried too hard and it came out more like a grimace. "I didn't call it off because I expected you to get back together with me. I didn't and I don't expect that. I really just wanted to clear the air – it killed me that there was still this tension between us, and while I'm not sure I can ever make it go away, I wanted you to know how sorry I am, for what it's worth" Her eyes still rested on my face, not having moved since she began talking. It's kind of pathetic, but the first thing I thought to say was,

"And you barely had to look at your paper". I let a small smile onto my lips, and she reflected a similar one, beneath bashfully rosy cheeks. There was a silence that hung between us now, but it was comfortable and full. I basked in her eyes and I don't think I'd felt quite so warm in a long time.

"Well, what do you think?" She finally asked. My forehead began to burn. I didn't know how to answer this for myself, let alone for her. My mind swam with a multitude of thoughts, each one shoving the other down like the drowning passengers of titanic seen at the end of the movie. I prided myself for a moment on the drowning reference, because that was nearly just how I felt.

"I"- I guess it was a blessing in disguise that the morning bell chimed at this very moment, because my lips were groping for words that didn't seem to come. A blessing and a curse, for I wasn't sure I was ready to leave that warm feeling of being before her eyes. Being in her presence was like relapsing into a drug addiction that you'd forgotten you had. The sweet high was all too alluring to walk away from. We sat, staring at one another for at least another minute, as all of the other kids filed out of the cafeteria in some disorganized fashion. They were all headed to class, and I knew I should be going if I didn't want to get a late slip, and thus a potential detention. "I guess I should go", I said, despite the words' cutting edge pushed into my own skin. I didn't want to go. Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked at me incredulously for a moment.

"Seriously?" She nearly whispered. I was a little baffled at how taken aback she looked. "You had only planned on talking to me for a half hour? Jeez, when you told me what time we'd meet I kind of assumed that we'd talk for a bit longer than that." What was she trying to say?

"You mean cut class?" I asked, the words reverberating in my mind. She then gave me a look as if to say 'Duh'. "I can't, I swear if I get another detention I'll die." Sure, a little dramatic, but whatever.

"Oh, I didn't realize that little Spencer Carlin was still a goody two shoes" She teased, a smirk playing at her lips. I felt my face redden.

"A little soon to be teasing me, don't you think? I mean I _just_ agreed to talk to you again." I said quickly. I intended for it to come out in a jocular tone, but it ended up sounding serious, and I think she looked a little stung by it. "Well, for the record, little Spencer Carlin hasn't changed much" I inserted, cutting the tension I'd just caused. The small smile on her face was all the relief I needed.

"Alright then, well, lets go." She said decisively, standing and readying herself to leave.

"Go where?"

"We've done it once, we can do it again." She said, turning around, still not answering my question.

"Done _what?_" I piped up. I could see her roll her eyes playfully, and then she grabbed my wrist. What transpired, I can't exactly explain, but I'll try. It was like an electric current flying from her fingertips up through my arm. It acted as a jumpstart cable to my heart, which began beating erratically and sputtering. The place where her hand was touching mine became warmly numb in a matter of milliseconds. My eyes shot to hers, which held the same wide expression as my own. Without even thinking, I snapped my wrist back to my side, leaving her hand empty and alone. I instinctively touched with my other hand the spot where her hand had just been, all the while maintaining severe eye contact with her. We stood there for a few moments, trying to make sense of that strange contact, and I knew I had to get the ball rolling. "Done what?" I repeated again. She took a moment to recollect herself, blinking hard a few times.

"The beach. Remember that day?" I shut my eyes, as if doing so would barricade the memory from rushing into my mind. I wasn't ready for that one yet. That one memory that I'd replayed dozens of times in dreams – the day that started it all. I wasn't ready to consciously revisit that day, quite yet.

"I can't." I said quietly but firmly, my eyes still shut. I tried to keep the stress off of my face, but I felt my lower lip creeping beneath my top teeth. I guess she saw the seriousness on my face, because she didn't push it.

"Alright," she conceded, "but we can't go to class." She maintained. I opened my eyes again and saw that look – the wild one that I'd so come to miss. The flame had ignited in her eyes, and I knew there was no way I could decline her. That very flame burned bright in me right now, and I would do almost anything to feed it.

"Where to, then?" I saw her face noticeably light up. She flashed a beaming smile at me, and her cheeks burned endearingly.

"How does the baseball field dug-out sound? No one ever goes out there." It couldn't have sounded better if she told me that there were ice cream sundaes waiting for us. I couldn't explain even to myself, the excited surge that occurred in my stomach.

"The dug-out it is." I said definitively, despite my indecision about these circumstances. Ashley's smile persevered, and I guessed that it was a welcome guest on her face; one who hadn't paid a visit in a while. It looked for a moment as if she was thinking of grabbing my hand, but I shoved them into the safety of my pockets. The smile undeterred, she proceeded out of the cafeteria with me nipping at her heels. Her sweet smell encompassed me, and I thought for a moment that I might pass out. It was so familiar and yet so missed; accompanied by a chain of memories that I didn't quite know what to make of.

My mind swirled like the ebb and flow of a current, my often-conflicting thoughts overlapping one another in some strange collage of emotion. I was cutting class. With Ashley Davies. With _my _Ashley. I couldn't decide whether the jolt in my stomach upon the word 'my' was a good or bad thing. Probably bad, considering that she wasn't mine. Part of me knew that I shouldn't even be here talking to her. She really didn't deserve that, much less my smiles. In one way, I felt like I was stepping onto a landmine, throwing myself into harms way. I wondered what Avery would think – would she be angry at me for cutting class to be with her? She _had_ told me to sort things out, so I guess I would fit this under that category. It was a stretch, I knew, but I had to assure myself somehow. Despite everything, my heart's survival instincts telling me to freeze in my tracks, I went on. With each step I felt the increasing inability to turn back. I was too invested… too wrapped up in her. As her grip on my heart tightened like a noose around my neck, I couldn't help but feel… elated.


	10. Calm Before the Storm Part II

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Alrighty, Chapter 10! Yayyyyyy for having made it to 10 chapters! (52 pages [single spaced] on Microsoft word!). This is more a continuation of the last one, as the title indicates. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, but I'm noticing that that seems to be a pattern XD. Anyhow, I hope you like it. I can't say I'm too proud of Spencer in this chapter, or Ashley (but that's nothing new). Anyhow, happy reading!

Chapter 10 – Calm Before the Storm Part II

The morning sun shone through the twisted wire fencing that separated us from the field, illuminating our faces in broken light; black lines crossing our faces symmetrically. The dew droplets that clung to each blade of grass twinkled like grounded stars in this mild mist. All was quiet except for the distant tweeting of a few birds, chanting their songs into the perfect silence of the winter morning. It would have been quite a picture. I would have appreciated it more, were I not immensely distracted by the girl just inches beside me.

We sat side by side in the dug-out for what seemed like an eternity without so much as a word escaping our lips. Sitting here with her was different from sitting across the table from her in the cafeteria. When at the table I could look across into her eyes, study her always-expressive face. I could get an inkling of what she was to say before she said it. I could read the sadness that gripped her, and I could see her sincerity. On this wooden bench, I couldn't take my eyes from my own feet, and then hers, which hung less than a foot away. I became increasingly aware of the space between us: the mere inches separating our bodies. This was the closest I had been to her since she left. My deepest desires longed to pull us closer, to make contact and embrace the jolt that I'd felt on my wrist earlier. The other part of me debated subtly scooting a few inches away from her – perhaps this was too close. It was as if there were electric sparks radiating from her body, the ends just brushing my skin. The static tickle that lingered on my side wouldn't go away, despite my desperate attempts to avert my mind. The feeling scared me, and even the gentle breeze couldn't buffer the effect of her aroma, enveloping me like a deadly gas. She invigorated all of my senses: senses I couldn't even put a name to. I shifted uncomfortably, crossing my legs to try and stifle _another_ excited sense (if you catch my drift).

The chirping of the birds was drowned out of my mind in this silence that surrounded us, reminding me painfully of our solitude and desires, rather than of the aesthetically beautiful beginning of this day that we shared. In the cafeteria we weren't alone. Dozens of witnesses sat nearby, ready to react should I do anything hugely dramatic or rash. They kept me in line. Here, there was no one. No one to stop my hand from tangling in her brown locks, no one to keep my lips from dancing with hers, and no one to maintain this inches distance between us. The blurred mental image of Avery stared down at me with accusing eyes. The thought of her combined with that pathetic force I call self-control were the only defenses I had. Maybe coming out here wasn't such a good idea.

"Spencer," She exhaled, "I'm so happy you're here." My peripheral vision caught her turning her head, looking at me. Was she expecting something? I felt her eyes burning a hole into the side of my face, but I couldn't bring myself to move a muscle. After some seconds, she turned and faced the field once more. "Do you want to say anything?" Even though she asked it quietly, I could hear the anxiety in her voice. I opened my mouth to say something, but words seemed to be on back-order. My lips opened and closed a number of times, and I ended up just breathing unevenly. I wanted to tell her how I felt. How everything inside of me begged me to just touch her, to be closer. I wanted so much to be wrapped up in her arms, to be breathing her breath. I wanted to cover up the pain that still lingered and throbbed in my chest like an open wound. I wanted to tell her that the hurt that she inflicted on me was the worst I'd ever felt, that I still wasn't recovered. I wanted her to know that she didn't just break my heart, but she broke me. The old Spencer left that night. I was but a shell of the girl I once was, the hollowness and emptiness inside causing my exterior walls to thin – to reflect the gaping chaos on the inside. I wanted to tell her how even Avery couldn't fix me – the one person whose love teemed at every edge, so full to the brims that it overflowed from her. Even she couldn't fix me. She was like an ill prescribed drug. Sure, it was a pain killer, but it wasn't the _right _drug. It covered up the symptoms, but didn't kill the sickness. Only one could truly mend me, have any shot at restoring me, and that drug was the very one that numbed the entirety of my being at this very moment. I also wanted her to know that as much as I loved her, I was terrified of her. Terrified of the power she had over me, the complete ability to just destroy and leave the desolation behind her. I wanted her to know how much I resented the fact that I loved her, how if I could, I would banish her every memory from my mind, never to be seen again.

I think the stillness conveyed this to her more than my words ever could. Breaking my thoughts, a quiet sniffle shot through the morning. I turned my head ever so slightly – enough to catch the sparkle of the tears that clung to her eyelashes. In a way, I think she knew what she did to me. She lifted a hand to wipe her eyes, and then went on to stare at her palms. She glared at them with such intensity, as if watching blood drip from them. Beneath furrowed brows, she closed her eyes and bit her lip.

"Please", she whimpered, the end of the word becoming lost in a soft hiccup. "Please say something." She begged.

"I don't know what to say." I said softly, praying that it would at least bring a pause to her crying. In addition to the normal, ever present pain, I could feel my heart being pried open in sympathy. I wondered why I wasn't crying myself – why I hadn't cried all morning. If you had to pick who was more likely to cry between Ashley Davies and Spencer Carlin, most would pick the latter, but this morning my eyes ran dry, and hers poured.

"Anything" she sniffed, wiping her eyes on her own shoulder. I sighed and got ready for what, I didn't know. I opened my mouth, and gently lifted the filter that separated internal and external Spencer.

"You destroyed me, Ash." I blurted. I didn't look up to see a response. "It was like you dug your way into the core of my heart, isolated me from everyone and everything, including my family, and then you exploded like a bomb, leaving me alone with a gaping hole in my chest and a semi functioning heart." I took a breath. I wasn't crying yet, but I was hyperventilating. She was finally hearing this. Hearing me. "I gave up everything for you. My family became dysfunctional, my mom and I loathed one another, and you just held my hand through all of that. Then once I was alone, where you wanted me from the start, you ripped your hand away and left me. I had _no one_, Ash. At first I was just so confused. Then when reality finally hit, I realized that not only did I have a dead brother to grieve, but also the person who had been my entire life." I paused for a moment.

"Spencer, I'm so sorry" – She began, but I interrupted her.

"No, let me finish. There was one huge difference, though, between losing you and losing Clay, and that was choice. Clay didn't choose to leave me." Tears began to well up in my eyes as I began to relive the heart wrenching pain. "Watching anyone you love leave is painful, but watching the one person you thought you couldn't live without just walk away is was the worst. I would never wish it on anyone." I closed my eyes, wincing at the memories. It was as if she took all of the words I had ever said to her, my truest and sincerest inner thoughts, dripping with love, and threw them in the dirt, spat on them and then carelessly rubbed them into the earth with her foot. "Not even you. Once I got over the trauma of losing you, I hated you. My God I hated you to your very core, Ashley." At this, her face met her hands, and out of the corner of my eye I watched her back rise and fall in quick intervals. I was silent for a minute, attempting to collect my thoughts while Ashley cried silently into her hands. She pulled her feet up onto the bench and wrapped her arms around her knees, allowing her face to fall into the crevice between her arms. Her body began to shake violently as the sobs ripped their way through her lungs and into the silence. With my hand, I wiped a tear that had fallen down my cheek, and then I placed it gently on her back, moving my thumb from side to side.

There was an instant reaction. I felt the jolt again, but I didn't pull away – instead I allowed it to take me, and I became warm. I knew she felt it too – her sobs suddenly ceased and I heard a tiny gasp. We stayed there for a moment, not even breathing – the only movement taking place in my thumb, which continued to sway. Eventually her crying resumed, but it was quieter and slower.

"But you know what I hated the most?" I asked after a while. I saw her turn her head slightly, and I caught a glassy, make-up smeared amber-brown eye looking up at me. "I couldn't hate you. I wanted to so much, but I just couldn't." I was tempted to tell her it was because I loved her too much, but I refrained. I didn't know where this encounter would go, if I truly let on the degree to which I still felt for her. "So I just stayed sad. Eventually the anger faded, and I would just stand in awe of how much it could still hurt, as months and months went by." She turned her face back town, and I knew she was trying to regain composure. "You faded from my constant attention, and you became more like a soundtrack to my life – always there buzzing in the background as life went on. I could try to ignore you, but you were always there, just waiting for a vulnerable moment to reappear and bring on the pangs of pain I'd come to know so well." In the back of my mind I was secretly proud of my analogy. I mean, I always drew them up in my thoughts, but I usually didn't actually say them. "You remained that way for a while… until Monday, I guess." I closed my eyes again, knowing I'd have to relive that scene if I wanted to properly get my feelings across. "I had detention, but if I knew what I was going to witness, the fear of detention itself wouldn't have caused me to bat an eyelash. Seeing you… on him, wrapped in him, it brought all of those painful memories screeching to the surface. It had been months since I'd even _seen_ you, and now here you were, and here _he_ was." I felt another tear cascade down my cheek. "I freaked out and ran. I didn't know what else to do. A few days later, after much thought," and Aiden encounters, and girlfriend sob stories, and Kyla phone calls, I wanted to say, "Here I am. I don't really know why, and I don't really know if it's smart, but I guess I can attribute it to the fact that I can't hate you, no matter how hard I try." I took a breath. "So I'm here, for what it's worth."

We were both silent for a moment, both of us allowing my words to sink in. Then, as if by some explosion, Ashley emerged from the ball she was curled into, and she flung her arms around my neck in a jumping motion. I was taken so by surprise that I couldn't help but gasp. Her arms coiled tightly around the top of my shoulders, and she rested the side of her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms awkwardly around her back and sat there, a little unsure of what to do. My body burned with the passion of her sudden touch, but somewhere in me, I knew that this wasn't a romantic advance, but the consolation of a friend – the extension of her apology. Even so, her aroma filled my nostrils overwhelmingly, and I could feel my breath coming uneasily. I had almost forgotten what it was like to feel her embrace. Her breathing was jagged and filled with the remnants of sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Spencer" She whispered so quietly. I could hear the heart wrenching sincerity with which she spoke. This pained her. Not as much as me, obviously, but she felt something too. We sat in each other's embrace for what seemed like forever. As time wore on, I grew more comfortable with my arms around her, and in a way, I felt like I was consoling her for the hurt that I knew she experienced – the one that she didn't tell me about: the one that had caused her to nearly end her life. I felt my arms tighten around her at the thought of almost losing her. That was too much to bear even hypothetically.

Feeling embrace tighten, she exhaled, "God, Spence, I love you so much." My heart fluttered, and then stopped. I already knew the truth in what she said, but hearing it was entirely different. It caused me to flinch internally with both pain, and euphoria. She loved me. She said it with such fervor, too. It took all that I had in me not to say it back – all that I had in me not to just lift her head and put my mouth on hers, wish away everything between that night and today. With every fiber of my being, I restrained myself, knowing that there would be consequences should I let it happen.

"If only you could know what you do to me just by existing" I breathed, wondering how that somehow made it beyond the filter I reinstated when Ashley told me she loved me. Okay, that wasn't as bad as telling her I still loved her, was it? The rational part of my mind told me it was just as bad, but I ignored it. It was out, and now I could deal with it.

Her arms closed a little tighter around my neck, and if its possible, my shoulder felt her cheeks pull up into a smile. No sooner, she pulled herself away from me, allowing the morning air to cool the place where her face had been. Her hands slipped away from my neck, but they remained on my shoulders. Their grip tightened slightly, but I barely noticed that as her eyes probed into mine. They held to mine with a strange intensity, a new undertone. The corners of her lips were pulled up in a slight closed mouthed smile, her cheeks blushing slightly pink. She was absolutely glowing. With each moment, I would swear that she was growing closer. Soon, I knew I was right – she was within inches of my face. Her breathing grew increasingly uneven, and I could feel its gentle warmth brushing my face. Her right hand slid up my neck and came to cradle the side of my face, which erupted in a wave of tingles. It was as if every part of me that she touched sprang to new life.

The rational side of my mind screamed at the top of its lungs._ Mayday, Mayday. _Images of Avery flicked through my mind rapidly, now. Guilt flooded into my brain and I knew I was sinking. I knew I had to stop. _She hurt you_, I told myself. Now alongside the images of Avery were memories of myself: prom night, me crying in my room, her and Aiden together. Internal Spencer recoiled disgustedly, but external Spencer remained motionless. _You shouldn't even be here. She doesn't deserve to talk to you, let alone touch you._ I commanded myself to pull away, to disconnect from the girl that so charged me. My body ignored the command. My mind was frantic, but seemingly powerless. For a brief moment, I had a new respect for schizophrenics. This is what it must feel like. It was like the video game controller ran out of battery, but the game went on. She had an obscene amount of control over me. She only drew closer as the battle between internal and external Spencer wore on.

"I can't" – I breathed. One point for internal Spencer. I tried to expel more words, but my breath had caught.

"Shhhhh," she silenced me, moving her thumb over my lips. "Just relax for a second." She whispered, and my body couldn't help but comply. I felt myself go limp as if my backbone had evacuated. A gust of air flew out of me, and I closed my eyes. Internal Spencer knew that defeat was coming, but she persevered nonetheless.

"Ash, I have something" – And suddenly everything changed. Ashley's hand became rigid and the rest of her body followed. Her thumb pressed my lips closed more tightly this time. My backbone seemed to return, and I became likewise stiff. Her eyes went wide and I knew she was listening to something. I strained to hear, and immediately felt her panic.

"Okay, guys, I don't know when we're gonna get another day this warm, so make the best of it." Gym class. The rustling of the grass beneath cleats was now audible, and growing nearer by the second. Ashley and I glanced at one another, still inches apart from each other's faces. I guess my face must have looked questioning, because she just shook her head dismissively and lifted her shoulders. Shit. If we were caught, there would be detention for sure – and I could only get so many before my parents were notified.

We ducked below the wire fencing, with only our eyes above the ground. We were focused so intently on the students coming onto the field, that we barely noticed the shadowed figure at the top of the stairs into the dug-out.

I whipped my head around to face the intruder so quickly that I got whiplash. I forgot about that instantly, though, when I saw who it was. My mouth moved to form his name, but Ashley beat me to it.

"Aiden?" She whispered abruptly, as he descended the stairs. It was one of those scream whispers, that I am not sure I can describe. You know what I mean.

"Spence, Ash? What are you guys…" He paused, realization dawning. "Oh, you guys…" He raised his eyebrows and winked. If not given these tight and anxious circumstances, I think I may have puked. "Spencer, I thought you had a" – From my crouched position I kicked him hard in the shins. I won't lie, it felt good. I knew that I was about to tell Ashley what he was about to say, but _I _wanted to tell her myself. I glared at him, and I think he got the idea.

"We were just talking." I whispered as calmly as I could. "Now, what are _you_ doing here?"

"Gym class. Today we're playing baseball – I came down here to get the bats." He said, still looking between Ashley and me expectantly.

"Well can you get us out of here?" Ashley hissed. She was evidently not happy to see him. I was a little surprised, but not at all displeased by the harshness in her tone. In fact, I was a little turned on.

"Uh, I guess I can try" He said, looking taken aback and ever so slightly hurt. "I'll take the bats out and cause some diversion. You two run out of here."

We both nodded, and Ashley tried to quietly hand Aiden the bag of bats from behind her. She passed it to him as if dealing with a volatile bomb. He obviously didn't find the same precaution necessary, because he grabbed it from her hastily, and when Ashley let go, the bag fell from his hands. They landed with a clatter that seemed to be earsplitting, given the circumstances. I looked quickly to Ashley, whose eyes were narrowed into angry slits. Now back to Aiden, who was mouthing the word 'Sorry'.

"What's going on down there, Dennison?" The teacher barked in our direction.

"Nothing, just dropped the bats." He replied, not taking his eyes off of us.

"Do I need to help you with everything, little girl?" The coach asked condescendingly. If I didn't hear his footsteps approaching, I would have laughed my ass off. Instead, I bit my lip, closed my eyes, and mentally prepared to get scolded. "You can't even get the bats without causing a raucous. Can you do anything?" He faded on the last word. Though my eyes were closed, I was sure he was looking into the dug-out. Ashley's hand found mine and there was a soft squeeze.

"What is this?" He asked. I opened my eyes and was greeted by a rather large and hairy man staring down at me through the chain link fencing. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. His eyes flicked between the three of us in the dug-out, and finally fell on the linked hands. "I don't even want to know. Just go get your detention slips. Give me your names."

"Ashley Davies". She said it so quickly and calmly. She must be used to this. There was a long pause before I spoke.

"Spencer Carlin" I finally sighed.

Great. Just fan-fucking-tastic. Another detention. Ashley pulled me up by the hand, and began pulling me toward the stairs.

"Ash, I'm sorry" Aiden tried to say.

"No, you dumb-ass. You always ruin everything" She spat. I caught just a glimpse of his defeated look when I felt Ashley's hand jerk me up the stairs.

We walked in silence across the field as everything that just happened began to sink in. The weird part is, I wasn't even dwelling on the detention, or how annoying Aiden was: I was too consumed by what probably would have happened had we not been interrupted. How could I have done that to Avery? Especially after what Courtney did to her. How could I have so little self-control? I was suddenly aware to the fact that my hand was still in Ashley's as we walked. Was this wrong? I wanted to slide my hand away, but I knew that I couldn't do that discreetly. Why did I want to be discreet? She should know that I wasn't hers. I wasn't hers at all. Why was I not doing anything?

We had almost reached the office where we would get our detention slips when she stopped. I turned and searched her face, which held a mixture of determination and stress.

"Spencer." She said definitively.

"Ashley." I replied, in the same tone, unsure of what was transpiring.

"What are we?" She asked quickly. This must be what she was thinking of on our silent walk. There was a long pause.

"I don't really know. I don't think it's really fair for you to ask me just yet." I answered honestly.

"Okay." She surprisingly seemed satisfied with that answer. "Well, can we be friends?"

"I… well, I guess" –

"Spencer!" Came a voice from behind me. The moment I turned I was greeted by a mess of scarlet hair. Panic began to set in. She planted a kiss on my cheek and gave me an unreciprocated hug. "Are you just coming in now?" My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt my forehead burning, and I could barely bring myself to look at Ashley, who now slightly resembled a deer in the headlights. Her eyes were wide as she studied the auburn girl beside me. I never imagined that these two would ever be in such close proximity.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her absentmindedly, ignoring her former question. I could imagine that my face looked like a blank page about now, but I didn't care.

"I was going to the bathroom, but then I saw you." She paused, finally noticing the brunette standing across from me. I suddenly realized how close we were standing, and I took a step backward. "Hi, I'm Avery" She said warmly, extending a hand.

"…Ashley" She finally said after a pause, her eyes on me while she said it. The amber brown eyes held many questions that I desperately wished that I'd answered before now. How could I have let this go so long? I could feel myself beginning to sweat.

"Avery, Ashley" I said, pointing from one to the other. "Ashley, Avery…my… my girlfriend."


	11. The Storm

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Alrighty, here's another chapter. Some aspects of it are okay, but I must apologize for the literary disaster that is this chapter. I clearly can't make things sound good these last few days. Anyhow, I seriously appreciate your feedback, and I'd love to get more of it! Please please please – it really motivates me. I put a lot into these chapters, and hearing what you guys think is the best compensation I could ever ask for . A special thanks to the consistent fb-ers: MrsMusgraveTNG, Grangergirl22, Ashikinz, GoshNYikes, and Maeisforlovers (who commented each chapter in one sitting! You're kind of my hero). Anyhow, I really hope you like this one, and I can't promise when the next will be up, cause life is a little busy, but I'll do the best I can.

Chapter 11 – The Storm

Have you ever felt like your entire life until this point was rising action, and you'd finally reached your scary, peak of the story, can't get any more suspenseful than this climax (no dirty implication intended)? Well, I hope for your sake that the answer is no, because it sucks. I've experienced that feeling so many times, and I'm sure I'll experience it again, but I'll just cut to what's important: the mess I'm in now.

I know it's been a long 10 chapters, so in case anyone's forgetting anything, I'll recap everything for you. On prom night my brother got shot dead, my girlfriend fled to Europe and abandoned me, In grieving I met a new, Avery. We had a few great months where I recovered to some extent and she was just what I needed, but eventually I came to realize that I'd never be totally better without Ashley in my life- and whadda ya know, in she waltzes. Straddling Aiden. Yeah, that wasn't fun to see, but I talked to Aiden and Kyla, and apparently she went through some really hard times when I wouldn't talk to her when she got back from Europe. Her crappy life caught up with her and she tried to kill herself, but now she's somewhat better. I couldn't decide whether or not to talk to her, but Avery told me I should- right after she told me that her ex girlfriend cheated on her and broke her heart. No pressure on me or anything. Anyway, I agreed to talk to her this morning, and then we ended up cutting class, and then almost kissing, but then Aiden and the rest of gym glass interrupted us, and I guess it was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because obviously, it stopped me from making out with Ashley, which would be cheating on Avery, but also a curse because I got _another_ detention. Oh yeah, apparently I get detentions now. This is the 3rd one this week. That's where I ran into Ashley straddling Aiden the first time and… ugh… I just noticed how many people I have in my life whose names begin with A… Ashley, Avery, Assden... *cough* …Aiden. Well, that's not important now. On the way to get detention slips, who decides to stroll into the hall but Avery. So we've got me between my two exes as they introduce themselves to one another. The catch? Ashley didn't know that I had a girlfriend. I guess I forgot that little detail.

'Girlfriend?' I saw her mouth. I'm not sure whether or not she intended to, but I caught it nonetheless. Her eyes flicked up toward the ceiling, as if burning a hole into the massive tiles. She began to chew on her lower lip, and her eyes became slightly glassy. I longed so much to reach out to her, to tell her that I loved her, but firstly, that wouldn't be smart, secondly, there was something called a current girlfriend whose arm was casually draped over my shoulder. Ashley's eyes shut tightly, as if in deep concentration, and her fist came up and was placed between her eyebrows. I could feel Avery looking at me, asking for some explanation, but at present, I had nothing to say. I could only stand and wait for something. It could be as little as a sigh, or as big as an explosion. The tension built by the moment, and soon it felt as if gravity had doubled.

Ashley's eyes finally opened and first glared at Avery, and then at me.

"Oh it is just _wonderful_ to meet you, Avery. Gosh, I'm so glad that Spencer found you. Have you been keeping her warm at night for me?" She paused. The sarcasm that dripped from her words was forming in puddles on the floor. I didn't know if she expected a reaction, but Avery just stared at her blankly, glancing between the two of us as if begging that this was some kind of joke. I wished for a moment that I didn't know Ashley as well as I did – that for a moment I could have doubted her cold seriousness, but alas, I knew her, and her words stung me in an unfamiliar way. "Gosh, you're just an Ashley 2.0, aren't you?" She was smiling, but it was cold.

"Ashley, I'm not sure I know what" – Avery spoke lightly, but Ashley wouldn't have that.

"Oh gosh! Polite is one of the new features! Oh how cute." Her eyes were wild. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little afraid. "Gosh Spence," for the first time she turned to me. I made a quick note of how many times she'd said 'gosh' in the last minute. "How did you _ever_ live with the old model? I mean, it's like comparing an old Buick to my Porsche." She spat. I gaped at her, a little unsure of how to proceed from here. Her violent tone and her words hurt me – not the way that she hurt me when she left, though. If that was a deep wound, then these were surface cuts. Not as lasting, but they stung nonetheless. I demanded myself to remain calm, and ignore the fact that she was being an arrogant raving idiot.

"Ash, I didn't really get a chance to tell you" I tried.

"Didn't get a chance? Spencer, it should have been the first fucking thing that you told me! How could you let me think that I had a chance-" My turn to interrupt her.

"Let you think you had a chance?" I said it quietly, and I could feel the tears seeping into my voice, but even that didn't express the fury that I was feeling beneath it all. I felt it welling up inside of me, like lava. "How on _earth_ did I do that, Ashley? Forgive me if I'm wrong here, but I think I just went into all of the reasons that you don't deserve my _thoughts_ let alone my _friendship_! After all of this, I don't owe you jack shit, Ashley! I can't believe you have the audacity to act like I just did you some huge injustice!" I erupted. I was fuming. We were all silent for a moment, and I felt a pang of remorse for having to do this in front of Avery. Ashley appeared to be shell-shocked, and I knew why. Angry explosions by Spencer were few and far between. The crazy look that had come over her had been sobered a little. My little rant had the effect of a bitch slap, I suppose.

"Spencer, I'm sorry, I didn't-" I interrupted her again, despite the fact that her tone was calm and somewhat apologetic. I wasn't done. The fire within me burned angrily, ready to ravage anything that crossed its path.

"No, Ashley! It's not always about you! That's your problem! You never think of other people. When the going gets tough, of course that doesn't change! The second you faced the littlest bit of stress you were gone. You couldn't even be here for me, your girlfriend who you said you loved. You said I was different. You took me, and smashed me into a million pieces, which Avery here," I paused, gesturing toward the red head girl beside me. Her arm slipped off my shoulder, and I knew she was uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop myself. "Had to pick up and try to put me back together! I'm angry with myself that I ever believed you could be any different. I should have trusted Glen when he said you had some kind of track record for breaking in girls." Some recess of my mind registered that I might be bordering on hurtful, but I was on a roll. Words were pouring out of me like rain from a storm cloud. "But of course I didn't. I had to try and see the best in you. Well, I guess I was delusional, because apparently there _is_ no best in you. About as delusional as you are, for thinking you had a chance after all you did to me." I took a few breaths – I was growing lightheaded. "You have about as much of a chance with me as I ever did with you. No matter what I did, I would never be able to have you, because honestly, sometimes I don't think you have a soul to give. I was the only girl that lasted long enough to figure that out. You're empty, just like your promises. I don't know what I was thinking, talking to you again." I was speaking so furiously that I nearly had to gasp for air. A small part of me knew I'd regret saying these things. I didn't even believe half of them. It was all so irrelevant – I was just spitting fireballs. The sting in her eyes was satisfying now, but I knew that it would probably serve to haunt me later. "I guess it was closure. I gave you _no_ reason to believe you had… a chance" I trailed off slightly on the last few words, suddenly realizing the error that lay within them. Memories flooded into my brain, but not the normal ones. These ones were recent - from just this morning: images of me holding her, images of her face within inches of my own, the feeling of her breath on my face. I could still smell her scent lingering on my clothes. I was hit suddenly with this realization, and I knew that she was thinking the same thing. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her mouth was pressed into a line as if to say 'really?' She didn't need to tell me, I knew that she knew. A wave of regret came over me when I realized that I actually had given her reason to think she had a chance. All of those mean things I just said… they were about to backfire on me. She knew what she could say. She would surely use it against me. Avery was about to find out that I came within inches of cheating on her. That I still had deep feelings for Ashley. It was all about to blow up before me. I closed my eyes, and waited for lightning to strike.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, Spencer" Ashley said quietly, her voice lacking any tone at all. It was as if the life had been sucked from her voice. "I'm sorry." She said, her now slightly deadened eyes staring eerily into mine. "And I'm sorry to you too, Avery" She said, turning her glance to the girl beside me. "I was out of line." Long pause. She turned to me. "Sorry again, if I've caused you any unnecessary drama. I do that sometimes when I'm too obsessed with myself." There was a slight edge to this, and at this moment I thanked God for her sarcastic verbal jab, because it told me that Ashley was still alive in there – I didn't like the subdued look about her eyes. "I'll leave you alone." She said finally. Her eyes bore into mine for a moment, and I tried to communicate my apologies to her. Her eyes, though, showed no sign of registering the message. She turned and walked slowly down the hall, stopping at the office for her detention slip.

It was as if a cold gust of air had rushed between Avery and I. I didn't quite know where to start. Lucky for me, she did.

"Well, that was… interesting" I still didn't know how to respond. After a few moments, she continued, "I don't think I've ever seen you that angry." The next part is what killed me. It came after another few moments of silence. "Or that alive." I could hear the sadness in her voice when she said that. In that moment, I think she became sure of my feelings for Ashley, if she had not been before. I was overwhelmed with sorrow, and I scrambled to say something.

"Avery, I'm so sorry you had to see that. It was completely inappropriate." I said, my cheeks flushing red in embarrassment. "I overdid it, too" I said finally, my face falling a little. She took a finger and lifted my chin. I couldn't help but notice the lack of spark – the lack of excited numbness. Maybe that was just an Ashley thing.

"It's okay, Spence. At least she knows how you feel now" If that comment was supposed to make me feel better, it did the exact opposite. My stomach dropped. A guilty sweat began to crop up on my forehead. I don't know what bothered me more – that it was nearly the opposite of how I felt, or that she might think that I truly wanted nothing to do with her.

"Yeah." I said absentmindedly, not wanting to go any deeper into that. "I'm just really sorry"

"For what?" Avery laughed a little. "For fighting with your ex in front of me? I think I'll get over it. It's not like you did anything wrong." Aaaaand the guilt just keeps on coming. Sure, I didn't really _do_ anything, but I did come really close. And… as much as I hated to admit this part to even myself, I consciously wanted to kiss Ashley.

To put the cherry on top of this guilt sundae, I was left desperately wondering why Ashley didn't say anything about it to Avery. She had a golden opportunity. I had just completely bashed her. Why didn't she take the chance she had to wreck Avery and me? I had so expected it.

"Hey, shouldn't you be in class?" I said, realizing that it had probably been over 10 minutes since she left her classroom.

"Shit." She laughed. "Well, I'll accept your apology for making me withhold my pee. Gee, thanks a lot, Spencer" She smiled, and I couldn't help but smile back. At least offer a fake one. She turned to leave, but turned back to me once more. "Spencer, what you're doing is huge. Facing our exes is crazy hard, especially when they're your first, and have a history like you guys do. I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you." She flashed me one more smile, then retreated to her classroom.

I don't think I've ever been so inert as I was when she left me in that hallway. All that had just transpired locked me where I was, and I didn't quite know how to proceed. Well, crisis averted with Avery, but how was Ashley feeling? Did she really believe that I saw no good in her? I prayed that she didn't take my words too seriously – while many of them were true and called for, I regretted the way that I said them, the sharp and hurtful edge that cut into her just like her words that had cut into me. _I guess I'll find out at detention_, I thought to myself, as I began to stride down the hallway.

--

I'd been in detention for 3 minutes, and I got antsier with each passing second. I had time enough to reflect on the rest of today – how anticlimactic it had been since this morning. I couldn't focus in any of my classes, but that didn't seem to matter. Lunch with Avery was kind of awkward, as neither of us really knew what to say. I decided against telling her about the detention, instead saying that I was going to remain after school to work on a project. I never told her why I was out in the hall today, so for all she knew, I was there on time and in class promptly, not deserving a detention at all. I just didn't want her to think little of me, what with this being the third detention of the week – at least that's what I told myself. I averted my mind then, because I didn't want to think any deeper on this. I could only bullshit myself to a certain extent – for in the back of mind, I knew the truth as to why I lied. I just wasn't quite ready to acknowledge it.

If I were to ever gain spontaneous heat vision, it would have been at this moment. My eyes were focused so intently on the door that I would swear I almost put a hole in it. I studied the mahogany wood mindlessly as I waited for the door to open. My mind was frenetic, and moving way too fast for the world around me.

The sound of the door opening provided me an obscene amount of relief. I scolded myself for being so consumed by this. I had a perfectly good girlfriend. That quiet but knowing part of my mind took it as no surprise – it knew very well that Avery's presence in my thoughts was dwindling. I ignored it, though, a little part of me determined to beat whatever force it was that prevented me from wanting Avery as much as I used to. What I didn't care to admit was that I knew exactly what force it was. Her name started with an A. For whatever reason, I was unable to reconcile the two most integral thoughts that probably existed to me: the first was that I loved Ashley. The second was that I wanted to love Avery. _She_ deserved me. Well, she deserved a faithful me: of body _and_ mind. The sooner I got everything sorted out with Ashley, the better. Then at least maybe I'd be able to make some decision. That little part of my mind knew it wasn't going to be that simple, but ignoring it had become quite habitual at this point.

The doorknob creaked around as if in slow motion, and then disappeared from my sight as the door slowly slid open. I knew it was her before she even entered. I honestly can't explain how, but somehow when you spend enough time with someone, thinking about someone, loving someone, obsessing over the fact that you can't live without someone, you kind of get a strange sense of that someone. There are certain things you can just know without being able to explain them, and this was one of those times. I could also tell that she wasn't over what transpired this morning.

She walked in slowly, her step lacking any bounce. Her shoulders were slightly slumped and her face hung in a way that I'd never really seen before – it was like the muscles had taken leave. It just… hung. The corners of her lips hung low so that she wasn't quite frowning, but kind of expressionless. Her eyes were what perturbed me the most. There was an emptiness about them, a lack of focus and agenda.

She must have noticed that I was staring at her… right? I mean it wasn't as if I was trying to hide it. My stare bore into the side of her head, just waiting for her to turn and reciprocate it with her own eyes. She sat down slowly in the desk beside my own, still not looking at me. My heart throbbed in longing. It was as if I physically needed her to look at me. Each moment that her eyes stayed away, my muscles grew tenser, as if building toward some explosion that I couldn't quite predict.

"Spencer, I'm sorry about earlier," she said quietly, still persisting in looking away. There was a pause.

"Ash, it's fine, I should have" –

"No it's not. I should never have assumed that you wouldn't move on" Every fiber of my being longed to scream that I hadn't moved on. That I'd never be able to move on. "I don't know why… I mean it was so stupid of me to think you'd be… single and waiting for me or something. I mean, I know that you're not a person I can just leave and come back to whenever I want, Spence. I don't want you to think that I feel I can walk all over you. I just got caught up in the moment, and I was just taken a little off guard. I said some things that I didn't mean, and I hope that Avery wasn't hurt by my words. More than that though, I hope that you weren't hurt by them. The last thing that I ever want to do is hurt you again." I saw her eyes flick sideways at me, but they quickly reverted back to looking absently at whatever inanimate object held their focus before. "I also want to apologize for being inappropriate with you this morning. I should never have tried to kiss you. I had no right to make any kind of advances. Whether you had a girlfriend or not, it was wrong and I'm sorry." Even though she wasn't looking at me, I wondered if she could sense me gaping at her: the unattractive way my jaw hung open, baffled.

"Ashley, that was just as much my fault, this morning! I didn't tell you about Avery, and I" – I blurted, but she interrupted me. Why was it that people _always_ interrupted me?

"You shouldn't have had to. We established this morning that you don't owe me anything." She said nonchalantly. Emotion I couldn't quite fathom was building inside of me. Something about her indifferent tone perturbed me – I don't know whether I was angry, sad, scared, or what, but some outburst was begging to escape.

"Ashley, I don't care! I should have told you! I shouldn't have let you so close. I shouldn't have let myself go off alone with you. And I should also be apologizing to you! God, Ash, what I said to you this morning… I'm so sorry, I got carried away and I didn't mean it" – This interrupting thing was getting really old really fast.

"Spencer, don't apologize. You were right"

"Stop fucking interrupting me!" I snapped. My tone resembled that of Gretchen Weiners saying the classic 'You can't sit with us!'

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing!" I nearly shrieked. I was suddenly aware of my volume, and the many stink eyes I was receiving from students attempting to work. "Just stop, Ashley." I said in a hushed voice. "Everything that transpired this morning was partially my fault, too." I paused and took a few breaths, realizing suddenly that I was a little winded.

"I give you girls permission to take this elsewhere" The teacher said, clearly irritated. I nodded my head, making a moment's eye contact with him. Immediately we obliged and proceeded out the door, pausing our conversation where it was. Without a spoken agreement, we settled on the nearest girl's bathroom and once inside, we sank to the floor beside one another.

For once, Ashley was quiet. The two of us sat there for what seemed like an eternity – her eyes never moving from whatever uninteresting focus they had. My eyes, on the other hand, were increasingly dynamic, flicking dramatically all over the place, most often searching her face for some kind of explanation; some kind of answer to a question I couldn't yet identify.

"Why didn't you tell her?" I asked. I knew that she'd understand without my being specific. At this, she closed her eyes and dropped her face a little.

"Spencer, don't you realize how wrong that would have been?" I almost ignored her question – for she had _finally_ turned and looked at me. I wished for a split second that she hadn't – the sadness that I saw in her eyes was almost too much to bear. It was as if someone had punched me in the gut. "I can't just stomp back into your life and destroy what you built while I was gone. I can't expect you to welcome me back with open arms. It would be wrong if you did. Your life didn't stop when I left" She paused, "even if mine did."

So many thoughts buzzed through my mind. So many responses fought their way to the front in a race to my lips. When I opened my mouth though, when the thoughts should have reached the finish line, they vanished. I was speechless, despite the fact that there were a million things that I wanted to say.

"You don't belong to me, Spencer. I hope you know that I know that. I cast you away from me, and that's my own fault. I'm just so sorry that I ever acted otherwise."

"Ashley, please stop apologizing." I said, feeling lame that this was all I could think to say.

"No, Spencer. I could apologize repeatedly for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough to excuse what I did to you." She sighed. "You're forgiving to a fault, do you know that?" She smiled slightly, her eyes lighting up a little. My mouth hung slightly open. Was that rhetorical? "Listen," she began again. "All I've been thinking about all day is how bad I feel. I've been waiting so long to talk to you again, and I screwed it up on the first day. Frankly, I'm surprised you're sitting here with me still." She admitted. I could hear the sincerity. Thinking objectively on our situation, she was right – I should not have been here. There was no logical reason for me to be here.

No one ever said that love was logical.

We were silent for a few minutes then, and I felt the sparks flying from her body once again as I had this morning. We were in such close proximity, and alone, once more. Had we not just spoken about how inappropriate it would have been to kiss this morning, I might have been inclined to right now. The circumstances being as they were, the tickle of her sparks at this moment was only a reminder of the living torture she was to me. I felt like freaking Edward Cullen.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, my voice piercing the quiet that surrounded around us. She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it.

"I don't know." She replied after a pause. I searched my mind for options. Part of me longed to just take her into my arms and blow off everything between then and now. Part of me was scared – scared of her power and unprepared to trust her. Part of me was still angry. Part of me thought it best to cut myself off from her. I didn't even know there were that many parts of me.

"We could try being friends." I said quietly, deciding that it was probably the best compromise that the many parts of Spencer could possibly make.

"Friends..." She said in a pensive tone after a period of stillness. "I think we can manage that." She turned to me and smiled weakly. I knew that both of us wanted more. I think that we each recognized the desire in the other. For now though, this would have to do. I lifted myself from the bathroom floor, brushing off my jeans and turning around.

"Friends it is." I said, extending my hand to the grounded girl and flashing her a smile. I saw her smile grow bigger as she reached for it. Our hands touched and there was that familiar static shock. The ember inside of me smoldered. I decided that I should probably learn to ignore this if we were to be friends. I lifted her from the ground and let go, my hand missing her touch from the moment I let go.

As we walked back toward the detention room, I knew this was going to be the start of something. Grey clouds still loomed above us; still appearing slightly ominous, but suddenly apparent to me was that little silver lining – that little sliver of light that made it all okay. Whether it drizzled or it poured, I was ready. I knew that the storm wasn't over, but for the first time in a long time I felt like I might actually live to see brighter days.


	12. And Then The Sun Will Rise

Not Going Anywhere

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.

Hey guys! Here's chapter 12, sorry it took so long. School is coming to a close before break, so projects are being assigned fast, and I've got loads to do. So this chapter really doesn't advance the plot much at all, it just gives us a little perspective on time. Sorry if it's a disappointment after all of this time – it's especially anti climactic after the last few. Anyway, I hope you like it, and I'll get the next one up as fast as I can.

Oh, and before I forget! I was overwhelmed by the response on the last chapter, and the surge of comments really really made me feel great! You have no idea how much I love hearing from you. A special thanks again to those who left feedback on chapter 11: MrsMusgraveTNG, rbabe2005, idrinktogetdrunk, goshNyikes, mutt009, grangergirl22, ashikinz, letithappen, and maeisforlovers. Thank you thank you thank you! Perhaps I'll write something special for you guys for xmas

Chapter 12 – And Then the Sun Will Rise

You know that feeling when you hear about something, and then you start to see or hear about it everywhere? Now imagine that every time you saw whatever it is you're your stomach does somersaults, your heart twists and swells, and you feel like you're floating among the stars. That's kind of what it was like having Ashley back in my life. Well, physically in my life anyway, because she never left mentally, despite my desperate attempts to evict her. Ever since the day we decided to be friends I was seeing her everywhere. I wondered how I even went all those months inhabiting the same school without having seen her once.

Regardless, now it was Friday two weeks later, the last day of classes, and I had seen her at least once each day. Thankfully, not in detention – as far as I could tell, straight edge anti-delinquent Spencer was back. Sometimes I passed her in the halls, though, and she would flash me a telling smile. In it I could see everything: a friendly greeting, genuine happiness to see me, and gratefulness to have me back in her life. It was one of those looks that made physical words disposable. I still obviously sat with Avery at lunch, but I'd often see Ashley from across the room and wave happily. She'd wave back just as enthusiastically, despite the fact that she was nearly always sitting alone. I witnessed Aiden trying to sit with her a few times and each time she declined his company. It made me a little sad to see her alone each day, but she really didn't seem to mind her solitude. Sometimes during homeroom there would be enough time to have a short conversation, in which we usually talked about shallow things – our classes, college plans (which she hadn't formulated yet), and other current things. I loved being able to talk with her freely, but at the same time it always felt a bit like we were walking on eggshells. Our mouths formed certain words, but our eyes spoke completely different ones. It was as if we communicated our true affections inside our gaze. At the back of my mind lay a fear, though, a fear that at a certain point this indirect closeness wouldn't be enough at all. I was almost afraid to engage into deep or emotional conversation for fear that we might rock the boat that now floated so contentedly. In a way, it was a blessing that my schedule forbade me from seeing her too often – it bought me more time. Also beneath everything was the hurt that still burned deep inside of me. Despite my eagerness to see her each day, I still hadn't forgiven her, nor leaned to trust her (but that wasn't coming anytime soon). Sometimes I'd fall back into my melancholy mood, terrified of the fact that I was slowly but surely letting back in the one who had ripped me apart. For the most part though, the pains that had tugged at me incessantly for all of these months were becoming dulled. It was as if my daily dose of her was like a drug, numbing the pain by distracting me with a strange new happiness. While we were on these good and lofty terms, I could maintain that. As long as I could keep this bandaid on, I was okay. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but this was the best I had felt in a long time. For now, I steered clear of anything that might provoke an emotional response from either of us. I felt that was appropriate, given that we'd been on speaking terms for about two weeks.

During what seemed like every moment of these weeks, I strove to paint her in my mind with platonic images, struggling to force myself to block out other feelings. I knew that it would eventually be useless, but some unidentifiable force kept me trying harder and harder. One moment I would feel confident that we could maintain a nonphysical friendship, and then she'd walk into the room and send my innards through a loop. The feeling of dread that she used to provoke was now replaced with one of incomparable excitement, always followed quickly by an attempt to stifle it. Sometimes I think that I was successful, but I'm sure that I must have had some crazy look on my face as my emotions battled inside of me.

Nothing though, could compare to the wave of emotion that crashed over me each evening. It began the first night after we returned from detention. I had been in a trancelike state all afternoon, and I had just finished a phone call with Avery, retelling her as much of the story as I thought she should know. I told her that Ashley and I were going to try and be friends, while trying to keep the explosive euphoria out of my voice. I knew that hearing me so happy made her happy, but behind her responses, despite her kind and congratulatory words, there was hesitation. I don't think she knew that I could even hear it, but I did. Regardless, she spoke of nothing but her happiness for me and how proud she was that I was trying to make it work. On that note I prepared to go to bed for what I expected to be the first truly sound sleep I'd had in months. My mind had nearly shut down and gone into dormant mode when a quick beep pulled me gently from my siesta. I groggily peeked through halfway closed lids to see my phone lit up. I pulled it close to my eyes, which snapped open upon reading the name. I opened the text immediately.

'Goodnight, Spence' it read. I felt like the Grinch when his heart swelled 3 sizes. A tingle of warmth spread throughout my entire body and heated me to my core. The words became blurry through a wall of tears after a while, and I blinked to allow the warm tears to cascade down my rosy cheeks. The smile rippled across my face, and I remember thinking that this was the happiest I'd felt in all of these months.

'Night, Ash' I typed in reply, wishing that I could somehow convey the feeling with which I pressed each button. As soon as it had sent, I sank right into a peaceful sleep, wrapped like a burrito in my blankets - for once as warm on the inside as I was on the outside.

The following night was exactly the same – the text arrived just before I was ready for bed, and it sent the same pleasant chill up my spine. This tradition continued night after night, and soon my body knew not to fall asleep until I had heard from her. It became the thing I looked forward to each day – the reason I eagerly jumped out of bed in the morning. I knew it was ridiculous, but nothing could diminish how I felt about it. Every night for the last two weeks my spirits were lifted exponentially, regardless of how I was feeling. Rather than face what that euphoria truly meant, I chose not to delve into it. For once, I allowed myself a guilty pleasure without reprimand.

'So what are we doing tonight?' I flicked my eyes down to check my phone once my teacher had turned her back. Okay, so maybe straight edge Spencer wasn't _totally_ back, but texting in class definitely shouldn't constitute as rebelliousness.

'Hmm… want to see a movie?' I replied. I didn't quite feel like staying home, but I didn't feel like getting dressed up to go out either. The first night of winter break should be spent relaxing somewhat, I thought. The prospect of winter break filled me in part with excitement, but also with slight trepidation. As ridiculous as it sounded, I was nervous about missing Ashley. Every time the thought crossed my mind I scolded myself. _You went months and months without any contact with her, and now you can't spend two weeks apart? You don't even talk that much!_ I said to myself. Regardless, the thought burned obstinately like an unquenchable flame.

The teacher was droning on about projectile motion problems when my phone buzzed again.

'Sounds good. I'll call you with details after school' it read. I decided not to respond, as I hated those texts that were simple responses like 'ok' or 'yeah'. Anyway, I shut my phone and halfway closed my eyes, hoping that I could half-sleep away the remainder of this class.

The bell couldn't have tolled soon enough, but when it did I was out the door in a flash. I quickly gathered my books from my locker and headed out to my car, bidding the school goodbye for two weeks. I strode rapidly toward the car, my pace quickening with each step. I wanted to be the first one to the parking lot, as traffic would be thick with holiday excitment. Now the silver car was in view, but there was something abnormal: there was a figure leaning against the car. It took me only half a moment to figure out who it was.

"Hey, Ash" I said, mentally noting that it was okay to speak with her casually now, despite how strange it felt and how my stomach would still flutter.

"Hey, Spence," she said, standing away from the car and turning towards me. "I had a free period last, so I thought I'd come out here and wait for you. Is there any way you can give me a ride home?" She asked, her big brown eyes begging. I knew the instant she asked that I couldn't have said no if I wanted to; even though the thought of being alone with her caused my insides to twist. I could give her a ride home and it would all be fine. We were friends now.

"Sure" The word sounded tense, despite my purposeful attempt to sound breezy.

"Thanks" She flashed me a beaming smile and skipped gracefully around the front of the car. I opened my door and took one last breath of fresh air, knowing that my car would fast fill with her aroma. I climbed into the car and turned the key, the car humming to life. "I really appreciate this – my car is in the shop. Some douchebag hit it in a parking lot yesterday. Just in time for winter break festivities, eh?" I could feel her eyes on me, and I liked the warmth. I began to wonder what her plans were for the break.

"It's no problem at all, you're like, 3 minutes away from my house. Anyway, what are your plans for this break?" I asked, trying to sound casual. I was beginning to realize that there was no such thing as casual with Ashley – I would never be able to drain the feeling from my words.

"Good question," she sighed, looking away for a moment. "I don't really have any yet. Christine is probably just going to spend all of her time out of the house with whatever current boyfriend she's with. Kyla might be free… but she's got her own friends, too. I'll probably be able to force her to hang out with me a bit; you know, save me from boredom" She glanced at me then looked away again. Though I wasn't looking at her, I could tell there was something on her mind. She held her head slightly uncomfortably, as if suspended and waiting for the ground to rise to meet it. I had an inkling of what she wanted to say.

"I was actually wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out sometime" I was glad she couldn't have seen the way that everything inside of me bubbled excitedly. My stomach clenched, and I could feel the blood pooling in my cheeks. It was one thing to see her in passing when in school, but another to purposefully set aside time for her. I still wasn't sure that she deserved it, but that wasn't going to stop me from saying

"Yeah, absolutely." Her face lit up and from the corner of my eye I could see her trying to subdue a wide smile. She looked down bashfully at her hands, and I was glad for once that I had the road to keep my eyes on, because if I had to directly look at her I didn't know what I would do.

Suddenly the green that lined the side of the road seemed brighter and the sky seemed bluer. I was a little alarmed at how much she could lift my spirits. Sure, I was still conflicted as hell, but the rushes of euphoria that she provided me almost always drowned the pessimism, only to resurface later in reflection.

"I actually wondered if you were doing anything tonight?" She ventured. By the way that her voice trailed off at the end I could tell she was nervous to ask. "I mean to be honest, I really don't have any other friends." She laughed upon saying this, but behind it I could hear a sad honesty. The smile that played now at her lips seemed forced. I almost felt bad for her, but then another thought crossed my mind.

"What about Aiden? Through all of this you guys seemed to stay…close" I deliberated on word choice, and close seemed perfect. I tried to keep the disgusted connotation out of my voice, but it may have leaked in just a little – for she turned to me and looked slightly taken aback that I even asked. She was silent for a few moments before responding.

"Well, he and I don't really see eye to eye anymore." She looked down. "I haven't even spoken to him in a while." I wished so much that I could buy that. I mean, I knew that she had been distanced from him since talking to me again, but I refused to believe that she was done with him. Aiden was like an incurable disease – sometimes he was subdued but he always hung around, irking me to my very core. I refused to believe that he wouldn't be back. Rather than argue with her, though, I kept this notion to myself. The last thing I wanted was an argument with her, after we'd been doing so well for these last couple weeks. The silence between us was now a little uncomfortable – I blamed Aiden. If he never existed, this silence would probably not have been silence. In fact, we probably wouldn't be in this situation at all. I quieted my angry thoughts, growing more frustrated by the moment and only feeding this terrible quiet.

"So, are you free?" She reiterated, her eyes focused intently on me. I opened my mouth, trying to prepare an answer. I had a movie with Avery tonight, but maybe Ashley could join us. God no, that'd be so awkward. I didn't need another awkward encounter with an ex and a current. Then again though, if Ashley and I were going to be good friends, she and Avery would have to get along… right? I had to integrate them at some point. Maybe if there was just one more person to buffer the awkwardness...

"Well, I was going to go to a movie tonight with Avery, but maybe you can bring Kyla and we could make it a group thing." I said, trying to make bringing Kyla the only option. I averted my eyes from the road for a moment to gage her reaction. At first she seemed confused, her eyebrows furrowed. I could almost see the gears turning in her mind. Then I saw it – the realization in her eyes.

"Uh, yeah, let me text her and see if she's free." She flipped her phone open and began texting hastily. "Yeah, I think that'd be fun" She said somewhat absently as she finished the text. "Do you think Avery would mind?"

Part of me knew that Avery wouldn't be thrilled about this. Not that she'd argue with me, but I could predict that little break in her voice, and the disappointment she would try to hide. I tried to convince myself that this was just a step toward the bigger picture – the first step towards being friends with Ashley and being with Avery at the same time. They were each such enormous parts of my life – I could only keep them in separate spheres for so long, now that Ashley was somewhat back.

"I'm sure she'll be fine with it" I didn't want Ashley to feel bad about it – yet at the same time, I had an inkling that she would go through with this whether Avery liked it or not. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that, so I averted my mind. "If we're going to be friends I'm going to need you guys to be okay with one another." I said honestly. Ashley nodded in reply, seeming to understand.

Her phone suddenly buzzed, and within a fraction of a second her phone was open and she was reading the text.

"She can come as long as it isn't a scary movie" My eyes were on the road, but I caught her beaming smile in my peripheral vision.

"Awesome" I replied, hoping that was the appropriate word to describe the way my entire being secretly convulsed. The smile planted on my lips was absolutely real, but I couldn't feel it at the same time. I waited for the shock of this news to hit me – for it surely hadn't yet.

"Ah, Spence, take a right" I gasped, coming back into the present. I had nearly missed the entrance to her driveway. I overshot the turn, but managed to make it without hitting the stone walls on either side.

"Sorry about that" I said quietly, turning my car around in the front of the big house.

"Don't even worry about it." She said, her smile still radiating. The car came to a stop and I heard her seatbelt click open, but she remained unmoving. She turned and attached her brown eyes to my blue ones, engaging into something deeper than our conversations would allow. "I want to thank you, Spence," She said without blinking. "For giving me this second chance. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm glad you're giving it to me anyway." I could hear the sincerity reverberating in her voice like a bell that had just been chimed. Her eyes still holding fast to mine, her hand reached for mine and gave if a brief squeeze that sent a wave of chills up my arm and then down my spine. "Text me later with details?"

I nodded and attempted a smile, unable to form words at the moment. That seemed to satisfy her, as she finally broke our eerie eye contact and opened the car door. She climbed out with poise, and danced over to the front door of her house, opening it with a key that she pulled from her back pocket. I barely noticed how intently I was watching her until she turned around and looked at me. I felt myself blush, and flicked my eyes left and right, pretending that I was actually looking around. What a fail. I saw her laugh, and she proceeded inside, leaving me with just the faded music coming from my radio.

As I pulled out of her driveway, I tried to process what had just happened, and what would happen tonight. I thought of the way her eyes held to mine, the way her touch sent shivers across my body. I thought of how I should hate her, how I can't hate her, and how I love her. I thought of seeing her tonight: the first time in months where I would set aside time outside of school to see her. To deliberately see her. I thanked my lucky stars that Kyla could save the day once again – I really owed her a cookie, or something. I would repay her somehow. One hand rested on the wheel as my fingers idly dialed Avery's number. As the phone rang, I wasn't even worried about Avery's answer. I knew that she would agree to it, even if she wasn't truly happy about it. Maybe this made me a bad girlfriend, I don't know. All I knew was, tonight I was going out with Ashley Davies… and my girlfriend…And Kyla… But still Ashley Davies.


	13. A Slap in the Face

Hi everyone. So I'll remove the elephant in the room – I'm sorry it's been so so so so long. 4 months. I'm genuinely sorry, it's not fair to make you all wait, my life has just been crazy and busy, and I was so unhappy with this chapter that I was completely unmotivated to finish it. A special thanks to greenwave, who reviewed it today and reminded me to finish the crappy chapter. This really is my worst chapter not just based on content, but also on the fact that I started it in January then picked it back up in March. So I'm sorry for that too. I think my life is beginning to settle a bit though, so I should be pumping out chapters at a somewhat normal rate now. Once again, sorry, and I'll do my best to get you the next one ASAP.

Chapter 13 – A Slap in the Face

The silence between us was as thick as paint. Though she was just inches from touching me, I don't think I'd ever felt more distant from her. She had a dejected look about those doe eyes, her arms rigid at her side as she sat idly in the passenger seat. I don't think I'd ever been so uncomfortable in her presence.

Initially I thought I'd need Avery to buffer the awkwardness between Ashley and me, but I soon realized that it was the other way around. Avery responded to the proposition for tonight's plans just as I thought she would; well, in one sense at least. She obliged without so much as a word against me. 'uh, yeah that's fine' are the direct words as I recalled them. I expected hesitance in her voice, which was inevitably present, but I didn't expect this standoffishness. I picked her up from her house 15 minutes ago, and we'd barely spoken since she climbed into the car. Her body had maintained a severe and unyielding stature – far more upright than what was usual. Her eyebrows were ever so slightly furrowed above her discontented eyes – the wrinkles in her forehead becoming increasingly prominent. The only thing that looked even slightly relaxed was her hair, the auburn locks falling in gentle waves over her shoulders. The lights of the car faintly illuminated her tense visage, and I felt a tiny pang of guilt every time we passed a streetlight that would further allow me to see the discomfort on her face. Was I being a bad girlfriend to be forcing my ex on her? That question was quickly answered internally with a no: partially because if Ashley was to be my friend, they would need to get along – but also because I just needed Ashley far too much to consider any alternative.

"Are you sure this is okay?" I asked her quietly, more to get my guilt to shut up than anything. It felt as if she waited a long time to respond, but I knew it was just my internal clock ticking with a frequency that was 5 times slower than what was normal.

"Yeah, it's fine" She said dismissively. I knew that it really wasn't but the plans were made now, and I wasn't in any mood to change them last minute, much less be alone with an aloof Avery.

"Okay, we'll be there in a few minutes. Ashley's car is in the shop, otherwise she'd just drive her and Kyla by herself. I figured it wasn't too far out of the way" Avery nodded in response.

As the scenery rolled by beneath a blackening sky, the stillness between us only grew more insufferable. It was as if the oxygen had been sucked from the air, and the nothingness that floated around me was now a blanket being used to suffocate me.

"Say something." I said playfully, trying to lift a seriously damp mood by pretending that I thought all was well.

"What do you want me to say?" She replied detachedly.

"Say whatever you want to say" My tone was still light.

"Well, I don't want to say anything"

"Come on" I could feel myself getting more serious… maybe even a little annoyed. Did I even have a right to be annoyed?

"Come on what? We're going to the movies – me, you, your ex, and her sister. End of story." She said, her voice a little bit cold. I was a little taken aback by it – Avery and I had engaged in little arguments here and there, but on the whole we got along pretty flawlessly. This cold edge to her voice was unfamiliar, and so far I didn't like it.

"Oh, I forgot that this was a chore" I said, sarcastically hinting at her cold tone. "I mean wherever did I get the notion that going to the movies was supposed to be fun? God, silly me!"

"Spencer, don't be ridiculous." She said definitively, rolling her eyes.

"Me? I'm not the one who has been scowling for the last 15 minutes." I said, flicking my gaze between the road and her. She exhaled loudly. I didn't wait for her to tell me why she was acting this way – I went ahead and confronted the issue that still went unsaid. "Is it so wrong for me to want my girlfriend and my friend to get along?" I asked, my voice small. There was a pause.

"There's one integral part that you're leaving out." She looked at me seriously. "That friend is your ex. And not just any ex, she's _the_ ex." Avery said, her eyes unfaltering from the side of my head. Why didn't she trust me? Ashley was just my friend now, despite feelings I might have had for her - or we had for each other - it didn't matter. I was determined to maintain a platonic relationship.

"You got one thing right, Avery, she is my ex. And that's all she is – you're my girlfriend, remember? If I recall, it was you who told me I should make things right with her. The thing I need you to understand is, Ashley is really important to me, and I… won't walk away from her" I almost said 'can't', but I decided won't was probably the better option. "If she walks out of my life, that's one thing, but she means too much to me as a friend to deliberately choose to cut her off. You need to realize that as long as it's my call, she's not going anywhere. You also need to trust me that nothing will happen. It's been a long time. Things have changed… _we_ have changed." I was obviously going to withhold the fact that my feelings for her were the same at this very moment as they were before she left. "I've never given you any reason not to trust me. So just trust me." I said finally, taking a breath. I hadn't made eye contact with her for the entirety of that little speech, but I could feel her eyes on me the entire time. I couldn't decide whether she was giving me a look of attentiveness, anger, or pain, but whatever it was, she was focused intensely. Another silence hung around us, but it wasn't as desperate as before. The only sound was that of my jagged breath, flowing into and out of my lungs. I wanted to look at her, to see what she was feeling, but I was almost afraid to.

"I know. I do trust you, Spencer. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like I do. I'm just a little intimidated by Ashley is all" She said honestly, her voice barely audible over the sound of my breath.

"Why?" I asked, feeling my own eyebrows furrow. Ashley wasn't all that intimidating… was she?

"I don't know, you've got this history, and I guess I just know how much she means to you. I have to work extra hard not to resent even just the thought of her after what she did to you. You have no idea, when I met her I kind of just wanted to slap her across the face. Being as it is, though, I guess I'm going to have to try and get along with her."

"You have no reason to be intimidated. And besides, I can take care of myself." I replied. "Please just try for me."

"I will." She said, and for the first time all night I saw her crack a slight smile. It filled me with warmth to finally see her mood turn up a little. Her posture relaxed and her shoulders fell gently.

We concluded our conversation just in time, as I pulled into Ashley's driveway. I pulled up near the front door and opened my phone to text her, notifying her of our arrival. Before I could finish the text, however, the corner of my eye caught yellow light coming from the doorframe. Two darkened silhouettes stood against the light, moving slowly out the door. Even if I didn't know who I was picking up, I could easily identify Ashley with her narrow torso and lean muscular legs. Kyla stood beside her; a couple inches shorter, with a small build. I realized suddenly how long it had been since I'd seen Kyla, and excitement flared up in me. Even though she was Ashley's sister, Kyla was my friend, too. The two girls strode gracefully toward the vehicle, their shoes tapping loudly against the asphalt. Kyla opened one of the rear doors and slid into the car excitedly, jumping and embracing me around the neck in my forward facing position.

"I've missed you, Spencer!" She said through her closed jaw, her smile shining noticeably.

"I've missed you too, Kyla." I said back, genuinely happy that we'd invited her. She'd only been invited to battle awkwardness, but I suddenly realized that I really wanted her here. It had been a while since I'd spent time with any friends that I didn't really have feelings for.

Ashley climbed into the car soon after Kyla did, keeping a little cooler in her demeanor. From her I received no strangling hug, but she did flash me a winning smile.

"Hey, Spence"

"Hey, Ash" I replied, smiling widely. I turned to Avery beside me and pointed to her. "Avery, Kyla. Kyla, Avery. Oh and Ash, you two have already met." At this each of them nodded silently, looking at one another skeptically. The corners of Ashley's lips pulled up into a sarcastic smile as she raised her eyebrows. I shot her a mean look, and I knew she saw it, because she immediately stopped. "Alright, are we ready?" I asked, breaking the silence. There were 3 nods, so I turned around and put the car in drive.

The remainder of the ride would have been horrifically awkward had it not been for Kyla, who was increasingly becoming my personal superhero. Whenever awkward silences set in, she seemed to know just the innocent topic to bring up to get everyone to chime in at least once. I think that even Avery took an immediate liking to her. I still sensed a strange hostility between Avery and Ashley, but it wasn't killing the mood, so I decided against regarding it. I allowed Kyla to continue directing the conversation – she was the one keeping this boat afloat after all.

It wasn't long until we arrived at the movies. We purchased tickets, got some food, and filed into the theatre. We decided to see this new movie 'Juno' that had come out earlier this month. It was apparently about a teenage pregnancy – I'd seen plenty of lifetime movies on this subject, but it wasn't often that this kind of story reached the theatres. I was excited for some new material, and hoped that the drama in our little group would remain nonexistent so that I could actually focus on it.

As we made our way into the theatre, Avery laced her fingers into mine, and guided me towards the stairs. I followed her, my eyes roving over the hundreds of heads that were slightly illuminated in the light of the trailers. We really did pick the wrong night to come to the movies. All four of us stopped, our eyes scanning each row for seats. Some rows had single seats available, while some had two open. Though I'm sure Avery would have been more than happy to sit just us, I really wanted to sit all together.

"Aha! Found some!" I heard Kyla whisper triumphantly. She jogged up the stairs towards the middle of the theatre with Ashley in tow by her wrist. Avery forced herself ahead of me and plowed up the stairs behind them. Conveniently enough, there were 4 seats on the outside of a row, so we wouldn't have to be those obnoxious people who make everyone else stand up. Kyla went in first, followed by Ashley, and then to my dismay, Avery followed. I stood in the aisle, frozen for a moment. I took a moment to try and fathom my thoughts. For some reason, the thought of Avery between Ashley and I really irked me. I spoke before I could finish coming up with a rationale.

"Avery… would you mind if I sat on the inside? I have a thing about outside seats." I lied. Why did I feel the need to lie to her? Why did I need to put myself between her and Ashley? Avery looked at me incredulously, then stood up grudgingly. She traded seats with me and then sunk into hers, her arms crossed over her chest. I sat down and threw a sideways look at Ashley. She was looking at the screen, perhaps too intently. I would have swore that she were deliberately trying not to look at me. I thought this was probably a good thing, as I didn't know what our eyes would say if they met in this dimmed light, after having traded seats to deliberately be beside her. I looked back at Avery and caught her leering at me. She shook her head from side to side and shut her eyes, frustrated. I reached out and grabbed one of her folded hands, pulling it from her tangle. I squeezed it a couple times, a little unsure of the message that I was trying to send her. Was I apologizing? What was my excuse for this? I realized slowly that I really didn't have a good reason for inserting myself between Avery and Ashley, and I was guilty for a moment. Avery opened her eyes and stared hard into the screen, as if trying to make a hole in it. I think she was actually just deliberately avoiding me. I held her hand gently on the armrest, instantly noticing her lack of grip. I felt myself moving towards her ear. I didn't quite have anything planned, but my lips opened gently as they drew within inches of her head.

"I'm sorry. I just need to learn to get used to this." I whispered. To my surprise, the words rang with sincerity, despite each one being impromptu in the fraction of a second in which it came. Avery turned her face to me slowly, and I saw her grimace melt away. A tiny smile began to play at her lips, while her eyes remained a little sad.

'I know' she mouthed, her eyes on mine. Her head turned further and her neck was now stretching so that her head came to the side of mine.

"So do I." She whispered, her breath tickling my ear. I smiled as she pulled away, and when our eyes met I knew we had reached a little bit of an understanding.

The blood that circulated through my veins suddenly froze as quickly as it had heated moments ago. Turning my head back, my peripheral vision caught a distracted Ashley, eying me carefully. As soon as she knew I could see her, her eyes shot back to the screen, pretending to be absorbed by the final trailers. Uninterested in them, I continued to watch her as inconspicuously as possible. As the minutes passed and the movie began, her face relaxed and her eyes grew distant. There was obviously something on her mind, and I could probably guess what it was.

She persisted in not looking at me as the minutes passed – I noted that this was probably a good idea, yet I couldn't quite tear my eyes from her. The colors projected onto the screen illuminated her face dimly, accenting her heavy eye makeup. Her normally amber brown eyes resembled black beads in the darkness. A shadow fell below her bottom lip, which protruded ever so slightly. Did she notice this? I studied her lips for the next couple minutes – they were so delicate and perfect. A couple times she took the lower one between her teeth and raked it gently. Was she stressed? I felt myself moistening my own lips. I suddenly realized how obviously I was staring at her. My body was slightly tilted in her direction, my neck craned to the left. My arm was leisurely sprawled across the arm rest, leaving little room for Ashley's, should she want to use it.

I immediately sat bolt upright and faced the screen. I guessed it had probably been longer than I thought since I'd paid attention. The pregnant girl, Juno, I guessed her name was, was sitting in the home of the potential adoptive parents, played by Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner. They were relatively big actors, and wouldn't have taken a role in this movie to be small roles, so I decided that they would inevitably be the parents. This rationale permitted me to zone out once more, fully confident that I knew the plot.

I carefully adjusted my vision so that I could watch Ashley again without being conspicuous. I watched as she laughed at all the right parts – I felt myself laughing along with her, despite the fact that I wasn't paying attention to whatever witty dialogue droned in the background. Her laugh was so beautiful – so melodic and cheery.

I was ripped from my reverie when an arm fell protectively across my shoulder. I whipped my head around to see a disgruntled Avery, staring hard once again into the screen. Her arm pulled me closer to her, but it wasn't a caring caress – it was a restraining one. I allowed myself to fall into it nonetheless. Why was Avery doing this? She couldn't have marked her territory more obviously if she had peed all over me. I internalized a slight annoyance at her. I wasn't doing anything wrong, was I? Questions and thoughts buzzed through my head as the movie continued. I had pretty much given up, at this point, my hopes of grasping the storyline. I decided that seeing a movie was certainly not the right choice – it gave me too little to focus on, and with this space to think, my mind was going berserk.

The rest of the movie passed quickly, my thoughts still running rampant. I didn't look at Ashley again. I thought it smarter not to swim out into waters in which I couldn't swim – and that's exactly what Ashley was. Deep and ominous… and enticing waters. Kyla, unlike the rest of us, seemed consumed by the movie. Avery's grip on my shoulder gradually relaxed, but I knew that wasn't the end of her abrasiveness. I knew that I would be in for it when we dropped Ashley and Kyla off.

We left the theatre and I felt as though I hadn't even seen the movie. The drive home was filled with Kyla's comments about the pithy dialogue. The phrase "What's the prognosis Fertile Myrtle?" resonated. Both Avery and Ashley were quiet. When we finally reached the house, Kyla hugged both Avery and me, thanking us repeatedly. Ashley simply waved.

The door shut, and I waited for the gunfire. Instead, a silence set in, but that turned out to be worse. I knew something was coming, and my stomach began to twist. Instead of feeling nervous though, I began to grow angry. It wasn't fair. I'd talk to her and feel like we got somewhere on this issue, and then she'd be mad again. Why was she doing this to me? I didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't take this.

"So did you like it?" I said softly, masking my frustration.

"It was fine. Did you even watch it?" She spat.

"What do you mean?" I decided to play dumb. Only time would tell if it was a smart move.

"You know exactly what I mean. You watched Ashley that entire time. Don't even deny it, that would be an insult to both of us." Yeah, the playing dumb was definitely a mistake.

"Avery, it's just strange having her back in my life. I feel like she's just going to vanish."

"You and I know that there's more to it than that."

"Please. Just give me a chance to get used to this. You said you understood. You're just going to have to trust me."

"It's hard to, when you only have eyes for her." This triggered me to snap.

"Avery, you need to get past the fact that your ex cheated on you! Jesus! I understand that it hurt you a lot, but it's not my fault! Don't punish me for something she did to you!" I hissed. Anger bubbled up inside me violently. I couldn't explain it, but her accusations infuriated me. She accused me of something I fought with every fiber in my being not to feel. She couldn't scold me now. Not when I was trying so hard.

"Why do you even like her?! Do you even remember what she did to you? She broke you! She left you, and went with the dick instead. She's a _slut_, Spencer. Believe it or not, though, leaving was the best thing she ever did for you."

The next few moments were a blur, but the crisp sound of my palm across her face was something I wouldn't soon forget. The car swerved with my movement, but I regained control quickly. My hand throbbed as the realization of what I'd done dawned on me.

We were both still for a few moments, but I could nearly feel her gaping. She closed her dropped jaw and crossed her arms, sinking back into her seat. She glared out the window, and I knew that she wasn't going to look at me or speak to me for the rest of the ride. I wasn't about to ask her to.

We spent the next ten minutes in silence. I was still boiling, but the slap was a nice release. I knew I'd feel bad about it later, but for now I reveled in it. The soreness of my hand was like a trophy. When we arrived at her house, she left the car without a word, slamming the door just a little harder than she normally would. She stormed up the driveway and was inside before I could count to ten.

The rest of the night was also spent in silence, other than the "Hi Dad." And the "It was good, I'm tired though, so I'll tell you about it tomorrow." I undressed and slid into my sheets, trying to clear my mind. Stewing over tonight wasn't going to do me any good – I had to pick up the pieces soon anyway. I had almost reached sleep, when a buzz reached my ears.

"Goodnight, Spence."

I smiled. At least I had one person on my side. Even if that person was the one that technically got me into all of this. One word resonated in my mind suddenly – "slut." How could Avery have called her that? What right did she have? A protective feeling surged through my veins, and I realized that the thought of Avery saying something hurtful about Ashley was what triggered the slap. Who would have thought that after all of this, I would still feel the unstoppable need to protect her?

"Night, Ash." I typed. I wasn't sure what tomorrow would bring, but if there was one thing I knew, it was that it wouldn't be long until I saw Ashley again.


	14. Forgiveness

HAH! How's that for quick updating! I can't promise that the rest will be that fast (given that I just spent my entire afternoon and evening on this), but I wanted to try and make it up to you guys just a little. I don't think my writing in this one is anything spectacular, but there were a couple scenes that I quite liked in this one. Thanks so much for all of your comments and encouragement, especially chunkymonkey3 who went through and commented almost every chapter XD Anyway, thank you thank you thank you everyone, and keep the feedback coming!

Chapter 14 – Forgiveness

The scene from the night before repeated itself in my dreams, each time bringing a pang of remorse, a touch of conscience that should have kept me from swinging my hand in the first place. I had never hit anyone in my life. My eyes opened slowly, but I felt as if I'd been awake the whole night. The clock read 8:03 AM. First day of winter break, and here I was, lying awake at what was practically dawn.

I peeled myself from the blankets, threw on a tee-shirt, and departed my room. The house was quiet – everyone was asleep, as they rightfully should be. Once in the living room, I plopped down onto the couch and flicked on the TV.

About 10 minutes had passed and I realized that I had barely acknowledged the images that played across the screen. I was restless – my knee was bouncing, my hands were fidgety. Sitting still was not in the cards for me this morning. I ran to the kitchen and began to scribble onto a post-it.

"Gone out for a run. Be back in a bit. – Spencer"

Within a minute I was changed and out the door, my feet immediately pounding rhythmically against the sidewalk. The sun was peeking just above the horizon, and red rays of light painted the sidewalk beneath my feet. The air was a nice cool temperature, and I was happy to be outside. Running wasn't something I did terribly often, but whenever I had things on my mind, it was a good vent. Only one thing was on my mind today, and that was Avery's gaping stare. Normally Ashley would be on my mind as well, but this morning, my guilt drowned out all else. With each moment I thought of her face, my stomach contracted and twisted uncomfortably. I had caused that look of shock. By no means did I feel that Avery was right in what she said, but it didn't warrant physical violence. I was very out of line. I shuddered, thinking of me doing something like that. I resented it when my mom slapped me all those years ago, and I resented it now. The heat of the moment was over, and the reality of what I did hit me full force.

I suddenly knew where it was that I had to go, but as it happened, I was already headed there. It was as if my feet subconsciously knew where they needed to be.

The three miles passed by quickly, my breaths coming easily with my effortless strides. Soon I was just outside her house, my legs tingling with the lack of activity. I stepped towards the door, took a breath, and reminded myself that I could do this. I _had_ to do this. I had to make things right. Knock knock.

A few seconds elapsed, but soon enough there was the sure sound of footsteps coming my way. The door opened, and I was greeted by a figure in similar attire to my own. I knew she'd be up or I wouldn't have come at such an early hour.

"Hi, Sydney."

"Hey, Spencer. How's it going?"

"It's okay, I don't think Avery is very happy with me, but that's why I'm here." I said, wondering if she already knew what had transpired.

"Yeah, she seemed upset when she came in last night. She didn't tell me anything, though. Did you guys have a fight?"

"Yeah. Is she home?"

"Do you think she's awake and out?" She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I guess not." I laughed.

"Well she's upstairs in her room. You can go ahead in and make yourself at home. I'm gonna head out for a run." I nodded and thanked her. "Oh, are you working tonight?" Shit. Work.

"Uh, yeah… Yeah, I guess so." I replied, trying to hide the complaint from my voice. And failing miserably.

"Don't sound so enthusiastic." She laughed. I rolled my eyes and proceeded inside. Well, there goes any plans I might have made tonight. I had the 6-10 shift.

Without a moment's hesitation, I climbed the stairs and crept quietly around the second floor. I opened her door – she was still asleep – and quietly and made my way to the beanbag chair in the corner. On her desk I found a copy of _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_, which would become my best friend for the next two hours.

I had read about 160 pages of the familiar text when she began to stir. I decided against looking up, feeling that it would be creepy if she opened her eyes and I was looking at her. Then I laughed at myself, thinking of how ridiculous it was that I was concerned with being creepy when I was here to apologize for something much worse.

I could soon feel her eyes on me, though, and the suspense of her expression was too much for me to handle. I looked up. She was expressionless. I bit my lip and closed my eyes.

"Avery, I am so so sorry." I enunciated each word carefully. "I was completely out of line last night." I wanted to say much more, but I waited to gauge her reaction.

"Yeah, I'd say you were." She said after a pause. She then turned the opposite side of her face to me to reveal a red area across her cheekbone. My jaw dropped and I fumbled for words. Before I could respond, though, she spoke again, "But I'd say I was too."

"I shouldn't have done that to you, Avery, you can't even imagine how awful I feel, I -"

"Spencer I know. I wasn't surprised to see you in here this morning. It was very unlike you to do what you did, so after a lot of being angry, I realized that I provoked you in a serious way, and for that I'm sorry."

"But what you said didn't make it okay for me to - "

"I know. But I forgive you. Is that okay?" Is that okay? My mouth still hung open and I groped desperately for words that wouldn't come. I closed it and nodded. "Good. Now what's for breakfast?" How could she move on from this so quickly? I hit her. I _hit_ her. At my lack of response, she spoke again. "I'll make it easy. On my desk there's 7 dollars. That's probably enough to get us each something at McDonalds."

"I still can't believe you forgave me so soon." I said, my mouth too full of a breakfast sandwich for any normal human being to understand me. I never said though, that Avery was normal.

"I can. I mean, I was mad. Really mad. But there was fault on both sides." She said this very confidently. Too confidently, I thought, but I knew that I must be reading too far into it.

"Well, I'm glad we were able to solve it." I said finally. I couldn't explain it, but I felt more and more like it wasn't completely past us. It was way too easy.

"Me too." She smiled. "So what are we doing tonight?"

"Well, I'm working for your sister." She rolled her eyes in response.

"Ugh, damn it. Well then I'm booking you for tomorrow."

"I don't know… my schedules looking pretty busy – I might already be taken." I meant it as a joke, but evidently didn't execute it properly, because she was leering at me. "It's a joke, Avery. You're my girlfriend, of course I'll be with you tomorrow." She sighed and rolled her eyes subtly.

The rest of our morning was spent walking around some local shops as the sun filled the streets with a nearly blinding light. We enjoyed light conversation, and every time I had almost forgotten the incident, her sore cheek reappeared to keep my mood from elevating to new heights. When she would see my face fall, though, she'd just lace her fingers into mine, not breaking her stride. Eventually she walked me home, and it was then that we parted. The next few hours were spent catching up on restful sleep that I'd somehow missed the night before. In my last moments of consciousness, though, I couldn't help but think that something wasn't right. Something was off about her. I wasn't sure that I should complain, but the voice in my head wasn't going to die out anytime soon. I decided that until I knew what it was that was different, I shouldn't approach her about it. With this thought, I drifted.

"White Mocha" "Grande" "Java Chip Frappuccino" "Venti" "Caramel Macchiato" "Spice Latte" "Half-caf."

These words became the soundtrack of my life starting at 6. My hands worked tirelessly to prepare each drink while Sydney took the orders. Thank, God – Sydney was much better with the customers than I was. Tonight, though, even Sydney struggled. It was as if every other coffee shop in LA had closed down. Before the counter was an interminable sea of heads. A sea of thirsty heads.

"Grande Strawberry-Banana Vivanno!" Sydney called, anxiety breaking into her voice. I grabbed the sharpie and marked one of the plastic cups that would have to wait its fill like the others in the little cup line before me. I could only move so fast. The only other person on duty tonight was Robert Truman, who was essentially useless in a coffee shop – 23 years old and clutzier than anyone I'd ever met. We had at least 4 spills each shift he was on. Sydney tried putting him on the register once, but as it turned out, in order to correctly count change, he needed twice the time of a normal worker, given that a vast majority of the change would end up on the floor. After that, she put him in charge of making simple teas and coffees. All of the fancy stuff was left up to me. "Robbie, help Spencer" She called to a confused looking Robert. _Oh, great. _I thought. With his clumsy hands, he began to work at my direction.

Though there were two of us now, drinks were getting processed no faster. The fact that I had to keep a peeled eye for falling cups was not something that helped my production rate.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry, but is my White Hot Chocolate coming up? I've been waiting for almost ten minutes." I didn't look up to greet the source of the irritating voice. The very same voice I'd heard order what couldn't be more than four minutes ago.

"We're going as fast as we can, your drink will be ready momentarily." I said, pushing aside other cups that were in line first to retrieve the annoying woman's cup.

All of the noises of the Starbucks had settled into a noisy and discordant song – though ugly and obnoxious, I was used to it and I wasn't distracted by particular sounds or voices. Robbie still struggled alongside me, but we had relaxed into somewhat of a rhythm. Well, that is until about 8:13.

A great number of things happened at once.

"Good evening, could I get a grande three pump caramel white mocha?" If it weren't for the fact that the voice was velvety, I would have been annoyed at such a particular order. Being as it was, though, the voice was as if made of velvet, and one I knew very well.

"Ash?" I looked up from my furiously working hands and caught her eye. Simultaneously, in the instant I looked away, an iced drink became unbalanced in Robbie's hands, and in an effort to save the drink, it ended up all over me and the floor. "Shit!" I hissed. One look at Robbie's wide and nervous eyes calmed me, though. "No, it's okay, really. Just be careful, okay?" I said in as soft a voice as I could muster. Meanwhile, Sydney took down Ashley's order.

I was wiping myself off when I heard her again, this time from the area where people waited.

"Spence, I had no idea you worked at Starbucks!"

"Yeah" I mumbled, wishing I could pay her more attention. Unfortunately, the crowd wasn't thinning quite yet.

"Oh, I'm sorry if I made things awkward last night – I really didn't mean to."

"It's fine." I wished I could go further into it without slowing down. In this instant, I resented Starbucks, and the entire coffee industry for forcing my focus away from her.

"You seem ticked." She said, just as another full cup fell and added another sticky layer to the floor. I groaned very loud internally, as Robbie whispered his frantic apologies.

"No" I moaned. "Just busy. I'm sorry, it's a really crazy night."

"Well can I help you?" I couldn't help but look up at her when she said this. Her amber-brown eyes sparkled in the low light.

"No, I couldn't ask you to do that, you must have plans."

"Nope. I told you yesterday, I don't really have friends." She beamed. Usually one wouldn't beam with a statement as this, but she did. "I'm totally free. Can I please help you?" I had been in a state of suspended motion looking at her for almost 15 seconds. 15 valuable seconds.

"Well, if you're sure, that'd be great." I smiled back at her, reaching down into the cabinet to grab an extra apron. She squealed and skipped around behind the counter, sliding the apron excitedly over her head.

"I've never worked in a coffee shop before." She was teeming with excitement. Oh, the young grasshopper had much to learn.

"Have you ever worked anywhere?"

"Well, no…" She laughed, looking at me.

"Well, there's not much to it. You can stick to the easy stuff – the recipes for each drink are on that laminated paper right there." I gestured toward the opposite counter. "You'll get used to those easy ones. Just come where Robbie is standing." I turned to Robbie, "And you can go back to coffee and tea." He looked at me as if I had just given him the gift of life. "Your welcome" I laughed, noting how the smile of one girl could completely turn my night around.

"Tall Chai Latte - " Sydney stopped when she caught sight of Ashley.

"Syd, Robbie, this is Ashley. She's an old friend and she said she can give us a hand tonight."

"Nice to meet you" Ashley said, as she poured milk into her first created drink. Sydney looked skeptical, but she was in no position to turn down help.

"You too" She concluded, and turned back to the myriad of customers.

I looked back to Ashley beside me, only to find that she was standing by the waiting customers, giving one the drink she had just made.

"Do you like it?" She asked, after having watched the man take a sip.

"It's great, thank you." He replied. She turned to me and gave me a big thumbs up before returning to my side.

"Hey Ash?" I said, about to tell her she didn't need to watch each drink get tested.

"Yeah?" her smile was unfaltering.

"…Nothing." I smiled back.

Ashley was a natural. Soon she was right in stride with me, and we were making drinks like rapid fire. For another forty-five minutes, we worked relentlessly, but then business began to slow, and we did likewise. We began to chat once we had the time, and I couldn't help but feel that it was natural to have her here beside me. Conversation came to us so easily, and I felt myself growing elated. At around 9:45, there remained only about 3 customers, who had all taken seats with their laptops, and we began to close up.

"So Ashley, how do you and Spencer know one another?" Sydney finally spoke. She had been casting us suspicious glances periodically. Ashley looked to me, as if asking me what to say.

"She's my ex girlfriend, actually." I said, eyeing Sydney with purpose. I tried to gauge her reaction. "We managed to stay friends." I smiled then, looking to Ashley. "Sydney is Avery's sister." A look of worry crossed her face for a moment, but she regained composure.

"It really is a pleasure to meet you." Ashley said again. I wondered why she couldn't have been this pleasant to Avery. The moment I asked myself that, though, I knew exactly why. One was my girlfriend, one was not.

Sydney smiled halfway and resumed putting chairs up on the newly polished tables. We finished at just about ten, and Sydney and Robbie couldn't get out fast enough. Normally I'd be the same way, but today I had another reason to stay.

"I'm gonna hit the lights on my way out." Sydney said, as she slung her bag over her shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow?" When I nodded, she continued. "And thanks for your help tonight, Ashley."

"Anytime!" Ashley chimed.

Soon, it was just the two of us, and a few moments later, even the light left us. Dark room. Love of your life. Alone. Other girlfriend. Not good combinations.

"So I think I should probably be heading home." I said detachedly, my eyes clinging to hers, which were somehow still sparkling in the darkness.

"Me too." She nodded, and we began toward the exit. I savored each step – I didn't want to leave her.

"Do you want to walk with me for a bit?" I asked, immediately regretting the invitation, but even so not recanting it.

"Thanks, but I really should be getting home. I told Kyla that I'd watch _Miss Congeniality_ with her tonight." I was relieved, in a way, but also disappointed, and…. Shocked? I never thought that Ashley would pass up time alone with me. I didn't outwardly question it.

"Okay, well I'll catch you later then?" I asked, turning in the direction of my house. As fate would have it, our houses were in opposite directions of the Starbucks.

"Sounds good." She turned toward her car, but suddenly turned back to face me. "Spencer?"

Before I could respond, she had enveloped me in a tight hug. My body responded immediately, but she pulled away soon after. "I had a good time tonight. I hope I can see you again soon."

"Me too."

As I tucked myself in that night, I was feeling much more positive than I had just 24 hours earlier. Ashley and I had had a really good night together, and there were no slip ups whatsoever. Maybe this friend thing really would work. _Dream on, _a little voice said. I quickly ignored it. I averted my thoughts to Avery, who was also seemingly good. How she had forgotten our fight last night so fast, I couldn't begin to explain, but I wasn't about to question it. There was no doubt, though, that something was strange.

Just then, my phone buzzed, and a smile rippled across my cheeks. I opened my phone, only to find something unexpected.

"I love you, Spencer." My stomach twisted and dropped. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't ready to say it yet. I began to panic.

"You too, Avery." I typed back. Was that the same thing? I felt bad for circumventing it, but what else was I supposed to say? I sunk back against my pillow and allowed my thoughts to circulate when my phone buzzed once more.

"Goodnight, Spence" Though this text filled me with warmth, I couldn't help but feel that the moment had been spoiled by the whole "L" bomb explosion beforehand.

"Night, Ash."


End file.
